try to remind myself that I was happy here;

[caine davin seymour]

Have you ever reached a point where you don't even know what day of the week it is? They days all blend together and you walk around like a zombie on this traffic packed walkway that everybody is supposed to walk on. There was an awkward silence in the air and Caine sat on his couch, the same one that he'd experienced so many things on. Sleep, sex, or chasing that high that ran further away each time. The room looked different to him, but it was still the same and it would remain the same everyday of the week. He felt restless and didn't want to sit still, but he made himself do it. Was there any control in his life? It had seemed that destiny had placed him in a situation and this was going to be the solution like any math formula. Why wasn't he happy? He was supposed to be happy, right? That's what they told him, that's what they keep telling him that it would all fall back in place. The only problem was Caine didn't have the patience for it, but he stood fast, or at least he had tried his best. The chips sat on the coffee table where there would have been a little baggie of heroin and a needle, or a dime bag. Caine didn't feel any different, he honestly didn't. There was still that void he'd never filled the only thing was that because he could think clearer and his head wasn't fogged his thoughts were constantly rambled and unorganized. Not that there was any organization.

The chips represented an initiation and the other a month. A whole month, thirty some odd days that there hadn't been a needle in his arm, that rush and then puking after. That was all that was required of him, right? He sniffed his nose, like somebody with a cold or allergies. It was easy to hide and easy to explain. All she wanted was no dope, no more needles and no more painkillers. So he'd stopped, but what did that mean now? What variables were still at play? Caine had his lifestyle and she had always been a part of it so why couldn't she anymore? There were a lot of things that he still didn't understand and didn't want to explain even. All he knew was that he was waiting for her, a text sent previously had arranged this appointment. She needed to see, not to hear the result. Was this his happy ending? It was hardly happy and willing and everyday was still a step closer to death no matter how you got there. To be honest, he wasn't one hundred percent clean and they had told him that speed bumps in the road were okay and maybe they shouldn't have told him that. In his mind, Caine had manipulated the definition of that chip to being clean off Heroin and all those old things. But, there was always an upgrade.

Caine sniffed again and hoped he wouldn't have to anymore. Certain chemicals had a way of destroying the inside of your nose and this was how your body responded to it. He was tired, sleeping wasn't exactly easy but she would expect that because he had been used to putting his body in a false sense of rest with chemicals. Not twenty-four hours ago on that coffee table had there been an old picture, glass on the front, white powder being lined up with a razor blade and a straw next to the table. It was a different rush and different comedown, but he liked it. It was easy to hide and you could still function. Timing was everything and he hadn't done any that day, maybe later when she left. Sleep was a bit weird, but he would be fine, it would all be fine. Some people needed a sense of security in stone and Caine needed a glimmer of hope to do anything. At least this way, if he did do something stupid, he could go with a bang. Caine stared back at the coffee table, those two chips staring back at him. She would just walk in, whether or not he mentioned it. It had been a long time and he wondered if it would feel worse than not having saw her for a year. He took a deep breath and put his head back, normally he'd take out a pill bottle and pop something, but all that was in his pocket was his cell phone and some spare change.

Somethings would never change and for Caine it was that lost feeling, like feeling small in a very big world. It wasn't hopeful, but he was waiting for that "happiness" that he'd been promised. Not the artificial kind, but the kind without side effects.

---

tagged; mika.
sorry i haven't been here! lots of work, school and things going on :/ sorry if this sucks, i'm all distracted.

[autumn mika longley]

IT'S NOT WHO YOU WERE, IT'S WHO YOU ARE

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( AND WE'VE COME THIS FAR LOVER, NO )

Groaning slightly at the sound of her cellphone, Mika ignored the iphone that resided in her pocket as she struggled with a few boxes through the halls of the Balston University dorms. The once Luxford student was being forced to move dorms for the actual school year, Mika still trying to make logical sense of the move. She lived on Campus for her summer term, taking a few classes and getting some extra credits in the process of trying to figure things out in her life. But the school, for whatever reason, was making her move to a different dorm room for when the school year actually started. Of course the room she got assigned was on the complete opposite side of the campus, so she had to lug all her things over to the new room. She couldn't complain too much though, she actually got a single room which was nice. She assumed it was because she was a senior, and seniority is everything as far as the school goes. First pick at everything. Her own room was going to be a nice change from the prissy, judgmental god fearing idiot that she was rooming with over the summer. Maybe now she can smoke her weed in peace.

Carrying the last two boxes of her things into her room she sighed, plopping herself down on the bed that was cluttered with all her other things. She hasn't put anything away yet, considering she just wanted to get everything over here before she actually started organizing. Her iPhone going off again as a reminder that she had an unread text message, Mika pulled it out of the pocket of her skinny jeans, wondering who would be bothering her at this time of day. Her first thought was Emi, the two were suppose to grab lunch or something once they both got settled, but she hasn't heard from her yet. Her mind then drifted off to Jordan who was notorious for sending random text messages at the most inconvenient times for Mika. However when the young englishwoman pulled out her phone and read the notification on it she stared in disbelief. The text message she received was from the last person she expected, not to mention someone she honestly thought finally hit rock bottom.

Caine.

Standing to her feet Mika was slightly amused that he decided to invite her over, considering that she was wearing his Dark side of the Moon shirt that she stole so long ago. She looked around her cluttered dorm room quickly, trying to spot her purse which was hidden among the mess of books and clothes before spotting it on her desk. Any sensible girl would have told him to go fuck himself and never went. But Mika wasn't a sensible girl in any meaning of the word when it came to Caine, and she dropped everything she was doing to come by and see him like he asked. It had been over a month since she actually laid eyes on him, which could have meant several things. Maybe he went to Rehab. Maybe he hit rock bottom. Maybe he missed her - she hoped he did, because she still missed him like hell. She grabbed her purse, she checking inside to be sure that her dorm keys were inside along with her wallet and mary jane before locking her dorm room door and exiting the building, leaving her dorm a mess.

As she walked through the streets to get to Caine's apartment a lot of things passed through her mind. She wasn't sure what state she was going to find him in, not to mention she wasn't sure what exactly he wanted. Or where he has been for the past month. It always made Mika nervous when she didn't hear from him for a while. Who knew what nonsense he was getting himself into. Mika was actually well behaved since she stopped by his doorstep. Since she has seen him she hasn't been with anyone else. She didn't want to be, she only had eyes for him really. When he up and left she tried to push herself out to clubs and bars but she couldn't bring herself to go sleeping around again like when she first got back. She still loved him, and no matter how much alcohol or drugs she consumed it was something that wasn't going to go away. But she became content with loneliness over the time he was gone, wherever he was. It didn't take long for Mika to get to Caine's apartment, the normal 20 minute walk passing by quickly as she tried to brace herself for the potential mess that she was going to find Caine in. She found herself at his apartment buildings, climbing the familiar steps and walking the familiar path to his apartment door. When she reached the front of his door she sighed, collecting herself and bracing for impact. Mika knocked once before entering, knowing he was expecting her.

Mika's hand resided on the door handle as her bright blue eyes rested on Caine sitting on the couch. She just smiled brightly at him, unable to contain how glad she was at what she saw. He looked.. good. He looked really good. Tired but none the less good. Like usual, Mika shut the door quietly then took her shoes off at the door and dropped her purse in the chair before almost skipping over to Caine and taking a seat on the cough beside him.It was almost like she never missed a beat. She still remained silent, her eyes floating over the coffee table. This particular spot held a lot of memories for the two, Mika still smiling. She was glad that he wasn't a mess, not like last time. She scooted closed to him, their arms just brushing as she rested her head on his shoulder.

"I've missed you love, where have you been?"

____________________

`status; Done! kinda crappy too. >.> But It's no worries about being gone, I understand c:
` lyrics ; isadore - incubus
` inspiration; isadore - incubus

[/center]

[caine davin seymour]

Caine heard the single knock on the door and immediately he felt his heart jump once and the door opened. To be honest, he wasn't sure how she would have responded to this request, especially since he'd gone off and done this on his own without telling anybody, only his sister and brother that he lived with. Caine had remembered the doubt in their faces but the tears welling up in his sister's eyes when she pushed passed that to support him. They both did, but otherwise he didn't have anybody else. Nobody understood him and he couldn't even explain it to them. She had been the closest thing. She sat next to him, different than the last time when she sat across from him, so distant. Another leap in his chest and not even his clear mind could differentiate the different emotions going through his head. What if she had a new boyfriend or something, or just moved on. He wasn't sure and realized that he didn't even have a plan for the whole conversation or meeting they were having right now. She sat close to him, in an almost cuddling fashion. Caine smiled back at her, there wasn't that hazy look in his eyes, the dazed ways of his movements. He felt....normal.

"I...uh....I stopped. She had wanted him to stop his Heroin use, so he did. Though the journey had not been that simple. It had been literally a rainy night and he had wound up in an alley where he normally scored something good, but there wasn't anything out there. Nobody was pushing anything and that desperation and anxiety he felt at the moment made him feel trapped and chained to something he knew was there but he'd never been in this situation before. Basically, when you reached a certain low point where you panic in this situation you really do realize you need help. His sister or brother could have been on their deathbeds and all he would have been worried about was where his next score would come from. It wasn't a way to live, not on something so physically addicting. So, that night he'd dragged himself to the local rehab and they took him in, soaking wet and everything. The next couple weeks he'd spent in pain, sweating and wondering if he was going to have a heart attack. It wasn't pretty, it wasn't fun and it hadn't been the first time. The fact that his painkillers were more or less synthetic heroin didn't help. She didn't need to know about that, but he still wasn't sleeping as well as he'd like but they were waiting out on that one instead of more pills until it was really necessary.

"I'm still not sleeping all that great... He trailed off, his brother and sister were just happy to see him healthy. Sure he looked tired, but it was far from the gaunt scene from before that left him looking and acting like a zombie. Caine was just sorry that he had to hit this new low in order to change, it wasn't overdosing like last time, but still. I"m sorry, I really am. I should have done this sooner. Caine looked at her with pleading eyes, the last thing he would have wanted was her to visit him in the hospital hooked up to IV's in strange places because of collapsed veins and and more or less on other drugs to keep him alive. "I never told you before, but i've overdosed before on this, and then I just replaced it with something else... Adverse events in his life definitely contributed, but when he started slamming dope again it had just been a moment of opportunity. Suddenly that prescription for xanax that he'd been loyally taking rose to more and more a day, and then slipping back into old habits. Caine looked back down at the coffee table and he moved his arm closer to hers to where his hand to grab hers. It felt good and he had missed that.

"I'm trying, Mika. I really am. His solution, another drug of course. But, as long as it was something manageable in his own eyes. Caine thrived on his routines and habits, to change them was asking a lot of him, but he was trying, she didn't need to hear about the speed bumps.

---

tagged; mika.
leave it to english hw to zap my good muse xD.

[autumn mika longley]

IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I COULD HOLD MY HEAD UP HIGH

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( AND IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I FIRST SAW YOU )

Sitting on this sofa made Mika think back to that first night they had spent together. The weed, the alcohol and Mika's clumsy nature making everything just fall into place. She remembered trying to sneak out the next morning before he realized she was even there, and she remembered him waking up and catching her dead in her tracks. Mika Longley remembered that night like it happened yesterday, even though it was such a long time ago. Sitting here now, wearing the shirt she stole from him that night and resting her head on his shoulder felt right. It felt natural, and she really didn't want to leave.

When Mika came here she didn't know what to expect, she didn't know what he wanted or what he was hoping to gain. At first she came here with the intentions of finding out why he just up and left her for such a long time, not a phone call or word to her about anything. But when he started talking she listening, not saying a word and just taking everything in that he had to say. He went to rehab. He cleaned up his act and was now here to show her that he was changing. That he was being the man she always knew he was, and he was being the man she loved. To be honest she was surprised that he did clean up, she didn't think he would. She knew Caine and she knew how he was with his substance abuse. But she was hopeful, she told him what had to happen for her to be his again, and he did it. She felt her heart do flips - he actually did it. For her, for them. She didn't know what to say at first, she didn't know what to think. She was just blissful.

She felt his arm move, his hand wrapping around hers for the first time in a while. It felt nice - it was cold like it use to be, but comfortable. He apologized, confessed of his overdose and went above and beyond what she expected of him. She hated admitting that she had such doubt in him, but given their track record it was understandable. Mika lifted her head off his shoulder and adjusted the way she was sitting so she was looking at him, but her hand never left his - she made sure of that. She smiled at him, letting a small sigh pass by her lips as she allowed a tear to come from her eyes, but she wasn't crying because she was upset. She was happy. She was just so happy that things actually worked out for the better that she couldn't help it. She tried so hard to erase him from her memory when he dropped off the face of the planet but nothing worked. But now, she didn't have to worry about that. "I've been waiting for you, Caine .."

"Who you were doesn't matter anymore. It's who you are, and you are the man I love," she confessed, not caring so much about the overdose right now. He was clean now, and that was all that mattered. She was going to do everything in her power to make him remember what life was like before the drugs. How the nights that they had spent together sober was just as fun as the nights they got f*cked up. Though, to be honest she will miss partying with him, but she was sure that some weed wouldn't harm him. It's not like it was physically addicting or anything. "I know a few things that can help you sleep dear," she offered some form of help, something that she could offer in return for what he has done for her. "Weed, sex, sleeping medicine ..." she grinned cheekily at him, hoping to make him smile. She looked down at the ground for a moment. "I just want you to know that I'll always be here. That I'm so proud of you and that .. that I don't want to be with anyone else. You don't need to apologize Caine. Look at what you've accomplished - that is proof enough that you are trying," she said, her grin turning into a small smile.

Mika bit her bottom lip hesitantly, acting on impulse for a moment as she brought herself closer to him and kissed him, their lips locking finally after all this time. At this point she let her hand pull away from his while she held his face gently to hers, the kiss lasting for only a few moments. It was like all the shit they had one to each other didn't even matter anymore, because in this very moment Mika was, for the first time in a while, truly happy.

AND IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I SAID I'M SORRY
IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I'VE SEEN THE WAY THE
CANDLES LIGHT YOUR FACE. AND IT'S BEEN A WHILE,
BUT I CAN STILL REMEMBER JUST THE WAY YOU TASTE.

____________________

`status; omg. I loved your post <3 c: So I was reading through one of our SUPER OLD threads haha! I have so much muse for these two now xD
` lyrics ; it's been a while - staind
` inspiration; it's been a while - staind

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[caine davin seymour]

What did Caine want? He wanted to be happy. It had been a long winding road with lots of speed bumps, pot holes and any other road disaster you could think of. But, he didn't think he was there yet. Wasn't there supposed to be that floaty feeling or something? Or did he lose that ability with too much drug use. Caine knew too much for his own good about drugs and most of them and how they messed with your brain and functions. What if he wasn't capable of happiness anymore? There was hope, he wasn't a tweaker so he wasn't zapping his serotonin to high heaven, at least not on that scale. Their hands were joined and he felt a little flutter in his chest. The past month had showed emotions Caine had pushed back for years. Anger had thrown chairs across the room and left holes in the wall, tears had left him on the floor feeling empty and he felt himself caring for once. The people he had met in this group he could listen to and they could listen to him and could relate. It was the one thing he'd never had, somebody to relate to. His brother had been through what he had but refused to talk to his dead beat junkie of an older brother. Nobody understood.

A tear slid down her face, but she wasn't sad, at least from what he could tell. Things have to get worse before they could get better. Looking into her blue eyes he asked himself again and again if she was his soul mate. It had tortured him in his sleep because they had met because of drugs and they had only gotten intimately together because of drugs. Was that all they had? Memories of his last memorable relationship fell into his head and his response to that loss had been an overdose on heroin and cocaine. Loss was not something he handled well but that stemmed from his mother's suicide, something the woman he loved didn't even know. She had become close to his youngest brother and sister before she left him, but close details were never shared as such. She had been waiting, that made him feel good, it absolutely did. Was this happy? Then why did he feel so burdened? But, wasn't who he was who he is? Caine questioned his identity all the time, he'd let it be defined by painkillers, ant-anxiety meds, heroin and whatever else he could get his hands on including what he was currently on.

For the moment he pondered her comment, the mention of love. One that he felt but his mouth couldn't say the word, not yet. She listed possible solutions while his mind wandered and he focused back in on the very interesting choice of options she offered him. That was a step forward from where they were at before. A month ago they could barely stand in front of each other, let alone sleep together. When she left Caine hadn't shyed away from women, in fact he'd gotten worse with his drug use and choices of girls for sexual partners, he was sure she had her own phase but was honestly too afraid to ask. For the longest time he felt like he was cheating, that is until he just reminded himself that she was gone. He swallowed, like the type when you were going to cry but only because you were baring your soul for that moment. He remembered having to talk to his brothers and sisters and just bare his own soul that they didn't know of him to them and barely being able to talk through the sobs. two decades of holding in emotions, might as well been hit by a truck.

Caine turned his head and she kissed him. Those familiar lips so fresh in his mind as if they had done this just yesterday. It was a good feeling, a great feeling. Just that he knew wasn't going to be alone. Caine grinned after and held his hand to hers that was on his face. It was warm and felt good against his skin. They would still have a lot more talking, more communicating to do before anything got back to normal. But in this cloudy and too good to be true moment he couldn't help but think if it would last. She fell in love with a heavy drug user. Percocet, Oxycodone and all those pills were no better than the tar he was slamming in his veins. "Mika....." He paused, he didn't want to ruin the moment but as a man he naturally lacked a little bit of tact in areas. "Even after you left, I still loved you. Another pause, it was like a dam holding back a man-made lake of self-held emotional strain. I love you. You saved my life. Caine had fastracked his path to death after she left him because he'd never felt his heart just shatter into pieces before and it had fucking hurt.

"But, I don't know if you fell in love with me on all those pills and...stuff. Caine didn't know what to expect to be honest. Would she bore of him and him being clean? Or would she be forgiving in certain areas. One thing was certain was that he didn't want to get back to that stage of drinking, painkillers and shooting up. He knew the fine line between the physically addicting drugs he had been on and the psychologically addicting ones that were still out there to play with. The ball was in her court, and he still had his own steps to fulfill as far as his relationship with her had gone. Weed and the less harmful drugs he knew would be okay, but that was her. Caine just had a habit of getting in over his head before he could get out, that was what he was afraid of. "I mean, i'm trying, I still have a lot of things to deal with and questions and whatever. " She knew how much opening up was for him outside of drinking way too much. Caine had faced his family already and probably re broken their hearts with baring everything to them, now he was up to bat again and she was the one person he had put last on the list.

---

muse :D
you don't have to post as long, 'cause who knows when i'll have muse again haha.
awwww, they're so cute <3

[autumn mika longley]

I'VE GOT A STRONG WILL JUST WEAK HANDS, AND I DONT' KNOW

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(WHAT TO DO WITH EITHER ONE OF THEM )

Mika almost regretted kissing Caine the moment her lips met his. Almost. She realized that this was a time for talking, a time for them to figure out the next step for them. It was inappropriate, but it was something she wanted, something she needed. She just wanted to be sure that he still tasted the same, he still kissed her the same, and still gave her butterflies when their lips collided. To her pleasure, she found that all of the above could be approved. She pulled back from his kiss hesitantly, biting her bottom lip getting ready to apologize for jumping his bones the way she did. But when he spoke his words stopped all actions. He actually said it. finally. She smiled, flashing him her pearly whites as she stared in almost disbelief. All this time she thought that her feelings for him were so one sided, that this was just something she made up in her imagination. It was nice to know that the person you love loves you back, even if it took them going to rehab to say it. Mika knew how hard it was for Caine to spill his heart and soul to her as he was, so she remained holding his hand.

But the moment he said those three words, those three words that could make or break everything doubt started to settle into the young Mika Longley. She was glad, but now she was open. She was vulnerable and she was open for attack by Caine, who has slayed her before. The thought was terrifying for Mika, the girl who didn't believe in love but found it in one of the most unexpected people. Her drug dealer, turned best friend, turned lover, turned - soulmate? The question plagued her thoughts, Mika terrified of the thought of letting herself get to this point. If it was someone else she was sure she would have felt safe. She would have felt happy and gitty and they would have spent the night talking of the past and looking toward their future. But this was Caine. The guy she left because of his drug use (among other reasons), the guy that she found stumbling along in an alleyway more times then she could count, and the guy who chose his drugs over her. It was a harsh truth that she didn't want to face, but knew that putting her trust in him completely again was setting herself up for more heartbreak. She needed to at lest make sure that he wasn't going to hurt her again, and that all the drugs he took didn't affect his feelings for her.

His mention on the subject caused a rebuttal from her. "But what about you? All the time you were fucked up and I wasn't - how do you know that all those feelings weren't just 'friendship' exaggerated by the drugs?" she asked, looking to the floor at the thought that everything they shared was only because of drugs. Mika thought back for a moment, remembering that majority of the time he was on something. She was too, for the most part, but not as much as he was. There were a few times they shared their moments completely sober, but there was no where near as many sober moments as there were drug related ones. Mika cleared her throat. "What if it all was just a fabrication? All those moments we spent together. I remember what you're like when you're sober - but do you remember me?" she asked, her thick english accent laced with hesitation. If he couldn't remember what they were like sober because of all the drugs then they had a lot more issues to work out then Mika originally expected. But she was up for the challenge - but was he?

"I know this is going to take time," she said, a smile returning to her face as she tried to make things a little less intense, a little more hopeful. "I wont smoke, I wont trip balls - I do this with you. I know it's not the same and I know there will be speed bumps or whatever .." she said, recalling the many nights she spent on the computer researching rehabs. Her and Caine's sister had a plan to get him to go, the two figuring that with the both of them putting their brain power together and researching addictions they could figure out a clever way to get it done. She knew how things were suppose to go after rehab, at lest from what she found online. Nothing is ever that textbook. "We can take things nice and slow - get reacquainted," her smile was now soft, her head leaning slightly to the side as her attention remained focused on him, bright blue eyes connected. "I promise I wont attack you with kisses either," she said, raising her right hand as if swearing an oath. She smiled, a very typical Mika thing to do - joke in a serious conversation. "I told you I wasn't going to give up .. and I'm a stubborn arse," she winked.

Sighing, Mika realized that they really have spent a lot of time apart. From the year that she was gone and then he going to rehab shortly after they met up again. Not to mention drugs was a HUGE part of their lifestyle when Mika actually called Caine her boyfriend. What if he was right? She blinked, coming out of thought when he mentioned he still had questions and things to sort out. The more Caine talked the more Mika knew he was out of his comfort zone. Talking and opening up must have been one of those things that they teach the recovering addicts how to do when they go back home. To communicate with the most important people in their lives, the people who were affected by his abuse. She wondered if he had talked to his siblings yet, but that was a mystery to her. "I think we need to sort some things out together .." she offered, knowing a few things they can sort out in conversation, but other things were better for individual questioning. "I had a lot of doubts in you, and to be honest I still do. But can you blame me?" she questioned, trying to be gentle. "That's the only reason why I don't think this love is based on drugs. No matter how much shit we put each other through I could never leave you, sober or not" she confided, adding a quick after thought "As long as I was who you still wanted."

____________________

`status; c: <3 Im so sleepy D': Im sorry if that made no sense in some parts lol. Bed time!
` lyrics ; where my mouth is - taking back sunay

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[caine davin seymour]

Caine didn't remember the last time he had told somebody how he felt about them before like that. Sure, his family was one thing. But somebody not exclusive to such a relationship was rare. Even his last girlfriend he had really actually cared about, it wasn't the same. She had saved his life, essentially her ultimatum and this tumultuous road she left for him a year ago had led him to his own decision to get help and get clean. Even with the incentive of the love of his life back, it was still worth it. But, now that his mind was clearer than it had been in a very long time, he had all these questions and curiosities, he felt like he'd let the word pass by him and he wanted to know what he had missed. There was this glimmer in her eye as soon as he had spoken, that was what she wanted from him, the ability to connect and to be open. With addiction you trap yourself in this box and you get lost in a very simple maze. With his own addiction it was the physical addiction that had trapped him and sent those damaging ripples into his life and to the people around him. Still, he couldn't help but question how a relationship would work with somebody he used to sell drugs to and do drugs with. Caine would have never let her do the hard street drugs that he had been doing, even if she had wanted to, there wasn't any point in putting somebody else through that, he had that much of a conscience.

She began to think out loud, he regretted even asking because his one sentence brought on this massive doubt. Hadn't she thought about this before? Caine had, but not this seriously and he had even spoken to his sister about it. She asked him if he remembered her, of course he remembered her. Those were the memories that he had fought to hold on to while she was gone and they were good ones and they had left him confused. "Of course I remember, I had to remember something while you were gone, didn't I?" He hoped he didn't come off harsh with the statement, he really hadn't meant to. "I was already spiraling down when...all that happened.. It had started small and then got worse as he just straight up walked off the wagon and then it stabilized for a while until she had to leave him for him to really see how low he had sunk. It wasn't her fault, he just couldn't handle his own issues like an adult or at least at a healthy level. He smiled a little, she was willing to change a little to match his own. To be honest, he didn't expect her to give up her lifestyle because pot wasn't anything like a painkiller or sticking a needle in your arm. "I don't mind. Reacquainted. What did that mean? Like starting over? He wasn't sure what he had expected from her on that note, but he just kind of wanted to move on already but he had to be patient. It wasn't about their physical connection or the sex or drugs, he just wanted that connection that every human being longed for.

The sun shone in the living room, providing a good natural lighting and Cassie had recently put back up a bunch of those small picture frames with random family photos. There weren't any with their father, of course, but a lot of the four of them as kids and growing up. In a few he looked normal, but he knew he had been faded or not really all there, still he could fake a smile for the camera. There was one, however, that didn't seem to fit in. It sat next to the window and Caine had dug it out of a drawer in his room, it was of a beautiful blond, with a huge smile and big blue eyes. The face he saw in his mind when he thought of her, the same that his brother Caleb would remember, maybe Christian and Cassie had just been born. His mother's suicide had affected him a lot, much more than anybody knew, and he'd never told a soul outside of his family. Caine doubted himself, so he wasn't surprised at her confession. A month was a long ass time, but he saw those that had abstained for years and even longer. A grandfather who stopped drinking and drug use for decades, could he be like that? "It's just a lifestyle, that's it." There just needed to be better ways to spend time rather than killing brain cells and do the socially unaccented. To not leave room to be sad and mourn what you could not change, and change what you could.

He nodded slightly, was she not paying attention? Sure he had done this for him, but he had also done it for her, if not to win her back but to put her at peace about him. She didn't have to respond to his text today and he didn't need to have let her know anything. What did he say to that? He just nodded, yes. Now for the real questions, he felt like he'd barely scratched the surface and it was making him a little anxious. He took a deep breath, and let it out. "So, I have to ask because it's been eating at me. Why did you go back home? Why did you come back here? If she had wanted to leave him, she could have just moved on to the next town or stayed here and just ignored him. Not travel halfway across the world, even then why did she come back here? To check if he was still alive? It was her pattern that he couldn't understand. "Is that the only reason you left? My drug use?" This wasn't supposed to be an interrogation, but he just had to know, what else had he done wrong and what else did he have to fix. She would answer any question she asked of him, or he would try. It was habit to keep secrets, he was trying not to, but it was still extremely difficult to explain himself sometimes. If she wanted to know about his past, he'd tell her, anything because he didn't want to bottle up anymore until it all burst out so dangerously again.

---

loved it :D and let the drama begin, hehe

[autumn mika longley]

TWISTING AND TURNING YOUR FEELINGS ARE BURNING,

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( YOU'RE BREAKING THE GIRL )

Every girl was entitled to a secret. That one secret that they never told anyone before, the one secret that could have some serious consequences on a relationship if not their entire life. Mika Longley was no stranger to these kinds of secrets, for she had one of her own. That one secret was knocking in the back of her mind the more she and Caine talked, guilt starting to set in for not having told him the biggest reason she left so many moons ago. His drug use was just a convenient excuse for her at the time even though that was a big reason for her to leave. With him being so truthful and open with her right now she felt like the bad guy, holding this inside her for such a long time. It was his right to know that when she left she was carrying his child, and it was his right to know she had full intentions of getting an abortion when she got back to England. Luckily or unlucky for her, depending on how you look at it, her father took care of that for her.

She wanted to tell him everything, she really did. But how the hell could you bring that up in conversation? 'oh hey, by the way you knocked me up and I was going to get an abortion without telling you.' Mika was pretty positive that it wouldn't have flown too well, considering how things were going so far with the two of them. They haven't actually fought yet which was nice, but she was sure that would have made one happen. Mika is a very strategic person, she had a reason for everything that she did and thought things out. Leaving Caine was one of the hardest decisions in her life, but she had to do it. For the good of herself and for the good of what was growing in her belly. She knew that Caine wasn't going to be a fit father and she knew she couldn't raise that child on her own. Even if they did try to raise it together he would have chose drugs over them, she would have ended up leaving him and then hating their baby. Why? Because every time she would look at it she would see Caine, and it would have just been a painful reminder that he couldn't step up to the plate for her. For them. She knew it was selfish, she knew it was terrible and she knew that she was a heartless bitch because of what she planned to do. Mika liked to think that everything happened for a reason, and she liked to think that she made the right decision. If she had to do it all over again she would.

Caine's words kind of came off harsh, but she couldn't help but smile at them. It was nice to know that the thought of her helped him somewhat, it made her feel good for a moment. She thought of him everyday, somewhere, somehow he would come up in her mind. There was always something that reminded her of him no matter how hard she tried to forget. She remained silent for a few moments, glad to see a smile come onto his face. That was one of the things she missed the most about him, his warm welcoming smile. It was one of her favorite physical features of Caine, aside from his eyes. Those blue pools matched hers so perfectly. Mika shrugged slightly. "I can't expect you to do all the hard work. I have to give too love," she offered, knowing that even if he didn't mind it was somethings she wanted to do. She could use healthy lungs and a stomach without a hole in it anyways. He was trying so hard, it was only fair that she did too.

The light in the living room gave Caine almost a glow, Mika glad to see that the bags under his eyes weren't as heavy, he wasn't as pale and wasn't as beaten down looking. He looked relatively healthy, just sleep deprived. Her eyes scanned his features, first his face before they went to his arms - his veins, to be more exact - where he use to shoot up all the time. She saw track marks, but she didn't think anything of it for the moment, just scars. She couldn't really tell if they were fresh anyways, the position they were sitting gave her a limited view. Her eyes fluttered back up to his. "Yeah .. but it was a big part of ours," she mentioned, knowing that drugs was a big part of their way of life. "But I like to think that we can have just as much fun doing stuff together without all that shit," she said with a reassuring smile, the light in the room making Mika take notice.The pictures of Caine and his family caught her attention as the sunlight hit them so perfectly. It made Mika think about her family and his, knowing that he had the best siblings. Ever. Mika had none, only worthless parents who were probably looking for her right about now wanting their money back or her in jail. The more she looked at the pictures the more she thought about their almost-family, giving her that nervous feeling in her stomach. She had to come clean - just had to wait for the perfect moment. Mika blinked, looking curiously at one picture that stood out from all the others. A stunning blond, one that shared some features of Caine - was that his mother? He never talked of her, and though Mika felt like she might have been crossing the line her curiosity got the better of her. "Who is that?" she questioned softly, gesturing to the picture.

Mika was prepared to answer any of Caine's questions, and she thought she was doing a good job thus far keeping up with him. But then he asked the one thing she wasn't ready to tell him, the one thing that started to eat her alive from the inside out. Is that the only reason you left? My drug use? She didn't want to lie to him, Mika wasn't a liar. She knew they talked about why she left and why she came back before, but that was so long ago. Not to mention he was probably drugged out of his mind at the time. However she wasn't going to repeat herself because then she would have to explain the other reason she left. Abruptly Mika got to her feet. "Don't mind if I get a drink, do you?" she asked, not waiting for him to say yes or no before she started for the kitchen, stopping at her bag on the way over. "By the way ..." she said, trying to get off the topic of why she left. anything to avoid that conversation she knew that they both weren't ready for. "I found this when moving to my new dorm room today," she grinned, pulling out an old picture of them, the only picture of them. It was snapped by Cass, if she remembered correctly, a very long time ago. They weren't even together officially at the time, it was just the friends with benefits thing they had going for a while. It was probably the only picture of them together, and it wasn't the best one at that. Mika had a stupid grin on her face and Caine wasn't even really paying attention. She placed it on the coffee table in front of him before retreating to the kitchen.

"Crazy, right?" she asked, referring to the picture as she opened up the fridge door, something falling off the front when she did so. "Bloody hell .." she murmured to herself, reaching down to pick it up. When her finger reached the magnet she stopped, crouched over in the tile floor as her eyes spotted a baggy, no bigger then the size of a quarter filled with white powder. She wouldn't have seen it had she not crouched down, it looked like it was knocked off the counter of fell out of someone's pocket. She examined it in silence for a moment, recognizing it immediately. She gave a 'i can't believe this' sigh, noticing that that particular baggy was rather on the low side for what could have fit in there. she stood up, placing the magnet back on the front of the fridge door rather violently before throwing the baggy at Caine. Literally throwing it like a baseball, it landing somewhere near him. "What the BLOODY HELL IS THAT?" she asked, wondering what his golden excuse was this time.

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`status; bahaha. <3 SHIT JUST HIT THE FAN.
` lyrics ; breaking the girl - red hot chili peppers

[/center]

[caine davin seymour]

"We will." Despite being a little disappointed, Caine could see why she was doubtful. Drugs was how they met and was pretty much his lifestyle. He knew that he was supposed to give up all recreational drug use and alcohol use as well but he was still pondering that particular statement and how he could find some loophole in it. It would always be something and he wasn't sure if she would be so open to such an idea. He'd just gotten clean and they always said that pot and other drugs lead to the harder street drugs that killed people everyday, often with just one hit. Another subject for another time, he supposed. There was a little pause and she looked away from him, he could see the curiosity on her face and she asked him who was in a photo. Caine turned and located the one she was talking about, the blond with big blue eyes, his mother. It was a moment where his brain froze, it was hard to just say it. "Um...." The picture was a little bit older, so it was clearly not recent. He trailed off, changing the subject for a second to gather his thoughts on the other one. She didn't know about his mother, they never talked about parents because they both had such negative experiences with them that they just didn't want to bring it up. But, maybe bringing up his mother would help explain a lot of him and a lot of his actions. His protectiveness and hypocrisy he exhibited.

It was funny, for such a heavy drug user he had gone to great lengths for at least Cassie to never go down that path. Even his youngest brother, who had a little experience but no problems. Caine didn't want that for them, though they were probably turned off the lifestyle by just looking at his gaunt and sunken eyes there were bright blue but essentially dead. Whatever her secrets were, he wouldn't pry at them but he still felt like he had to know somethings especially when they involved him. What happened? Was there more that wasn't told to him? If there wasn't, then there wasn't any more. He couldn't create facts just to make himself happy he would just deal with how things were. Still, he'd done a lot recently to at least mend fences, didn't she have to give a little also. Like she had said earlier, he didn't have to do all the heavy lifting himself. That would strain him and leave a lot of consequences that they both didn't want. She got up and he also did, but stopped when she placed a photo of them on the table. Who had taken that one? Caine picked it up and walked over to where the picture of the blond sat, he picked that one up and placed the one of him and Mika down so they could share that spot. He held the picture of the blond, his mother, in his hands. She still looked the same and her face never changed but he always looked at it with fresh eyes.

It was sad that such a beautiful creature had been ruined by his own father and lead to such a demise. Caine had pondered it, but still felt like it would take a lot to take his own life, though he'd felt so close to it at times. Had he been an only child then those were different' circumstances, but he had his family, his brothers and sister that he felt responsible for because they didn't have a father in his eyes, just a tyrant that had been in total control of them. Caine heard the refrigerator door open and he didn't notice really anything else because he was so lost in thought. Essentially Caine had abandonment issues and maybe his difficult connecting emotionally to people stemmed from his mother killing herself. He was the oldest and remembered her the best, her kindness and her smile, her reassurances that they would be okay and her protectiveness and love. It was a gift to remember and a curse at the same time. Everything was a gift and a curse and he probably needed to figure out how to utilize it as a gift than affect him so negatively. Caine was brought back to the present by a loud noise, the door slamming. He was curious but didn't need to be for long when he saw the small English-woman storming back into the living room with a little bit of rage in her eyes. She asked him a question, but for a second all of his senses only focused on the projectile that she threw at him.

Immediately he felt like he had gone pale and had that 'oh shit' physiological response. His face went stoic as he watched the small bag travel near his feet. In a matter of a few seconds he had gone from building a mountain to being at the bottom of a very very deep hole. The question was more meant to ask why he had lied to her already, not to what the substance was. If she was the girl that Caine knew her to be then she recognized the cocaine in the bag. He slowly bent over to pick it up and placed it in his pocket, no need to give it more limelight than it already had. Not midday yesterday had he poured a small mound of the white powder on a CD case in his room and made lines with small razor blade. Still, he was speechless and the only thing he could do was look at the picture that was still in his hand, the one of his mother. There was an awkward pause and he actually felt even disappointed in himself. He would just never stop would he? What could he say? It was there before and he'd forgotten about it. Like that would work, she knew that this place would have been cleaned up as soon as he had reported his rehab stint to Cassie. Caine looked at the picture again. "This is the last picture of my mother." He began, looking at it again before placing it next to the one of him and Mika at a time where happiness was probably still an option.

"She killed herself when I was a kid, a little after my sister was born." She had just broken and gave up, lost the will to fight anymore and left her children to defend themselves or at least the two oldest to take the brunt of the beating. "I haven't resolved everything yet in my life, and I never figured out how to deal with this." It was all true, what he said. Still it was a little bit of a pitiful attempt to justify a new drug in his life just after quitting another dangerous one. It wasn't like finding a small bag of weed or ecstasy. This was another thing that could send him spiraling in a different direction. Caine looked uncomfortable and felt it as well, what the hell else was he supposed to say? He could apologize but such tactics were meaningless now. Basically she could have drug tested him then and he wouldn't have passed, which was the point, making those chips that laid on the coffee table worthless and all the work he had done this month worthless. "It's not the same thing, anyway." To state the obvious, this was a different substance and it didn't have the same addiction potential that heroin had. She might as well have killed him over having a beer, it was all in perspective.

---

ugh, no muse :x

[autumn mika longley]

IF I HAD ONE SHRED OF COMMON SENSE

[/size]
( I WOULD'VE ALREADY LEFT )

Mika was hit with so many things at once she was sure she was going to fall over in Caine's living room. However she remained motionless, watching him carefully as he placed their picture beside the pretty blond that she inquired about not long ago. As curious as she was Mika couldn't care less about the woman in the photograph at the moment, she wanted to know why there was a bag of cocaine in Caine's kitchen. She shouldn't be surprised, she shouldn't be upset - with him it's always one thing or the other. Caine could never stay completely clean, living a sober life was almost not an option for him. It was like he took a thousand steps forward and three thousand steps back. Mika was upset, Mika was pissed off, and Mika was ready to spew all kinds of venom at him with her dashing silver tongue. However she wanted to hear what he had to say about the topic, maybe his piss-poor excuse for using cocaine now would give her more of a reason to hate him.

But what he said Mika wasn't expecting, even though she should have saw it coming. After all she was the one that asked, he was only holding good conversation by answering her question. As she stood in his living room, her arms crossed, she looked at him with a confused expression. Not because she didn't understand what he was saying, but more because she was confused on how to react, how to feel about the entire situation. She was uncomfrtable, she was lost and she just discovered two things about Caine she did not know. One being his mother, a topic that was never discussed and rarely even mentioned in light conversation. Then again, that wasn't really a light conversation topic. Mika also discovered what had steamed Caine's addiction problems, how he had turned to dugs to heal whatever wounds were left opened by the death of his mother. Mika stood in silence for a while, her mind racing with the thought of Caine's mother. She was beautiful, but it was a natural beauty. She tried to process out a time line, knowing that Caine is the eldest of his siblings so he was probably the one affected by her death the most.

Mika couldn't even imagine loosing someone that meant so much to you. Especially in Caine's case, who was left with two brothers, a sister and an abusive father. Mika could always relate to Caine with family, but she was at a loss for this. To imagine all the times she wished death upon her mother, here was Caine who was wishing his mother was still alive. She felt guilty for having such thoughts immediately, Mika shifting her position to reflect her uncomfortable stance on what was happening. Her arms dropped from being crossed over her chest, one arm straightening out as her hand latched onto it. Upon further thought Mika knew that she couldn't compare their lives. They were too different, their family lives were both tragic but in different aspects. Mika could see why his drug addictions started, and he basically admitted to it. He never knew how to deal with it, which meant drugs was the best thing he could think of. At lest that is how Mika took it. All she wanted to do was hug him, help him through whatever it is he still needed to sort out. But when he spoke again it took her out of thought, and it brought her back to the reality they were in. She was still pissed off, and he was never going to change his ways.

"No one has shit figured out," she murmured in response, the only thing she could think of to say at first. "And anyone who says they do are full of it. But honestly, Caine - do you think you're mother would like to see her eldest son a drug addict?" she questioned her voice calm and collected, nothing like it was a few minutes ago when she was carelessly throwing drugs around. Mika's eyes fell to the floor, she hated being so .. rude with him but it seemed like the only way to get through to him. "I'm sorry about your mother. She was - is beautiful," Mika offered a piece of sincerity, slowly moving in his direction. She was trying her best to keep herself from blowing up on him like an A bomb, and so far things were going well. "You're a recovering addict. Anything that is addictive is a problem for you," she almost hissed at him, pissed that he shrugged of the cocaine like it was no big deal. It was a big deal, especially because he just got out of rehab. "So you get clean, come home and start putting white powder up your nose. Cute," she said with an eye-roll, her voice starting to get laced with aggravation. Did he not tell her he was trying? A bag of cocaine didn't look like trying to her.

Mika started wondering why she was putting herself through this emotional stress. For what, for Caine? Was he really worth it? Right now she was having a hard time remembering why she loved him. Maybe it was because she was so pissed off, or maybe it was because they were going no where at this rate and Mika is sick of putting her heart on the chopping block. Mika stopped approaching Caine when she was a few inches in front of him, her eyes shifting up to him as their blue eyes connected for a minute. It was her turn for confessions. Mika played out how she was going to say this to Caine over and over again in her head, but she never imagined it like this. "I was pregnant Caine," she said, shaking her head as her eyes shifted to the photograph of his mother. "When I left."

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`status; I tried typing this like, 3 times. And each time I stated I fell asleep. ;__; sorry it took so long an I'm sorry it's kinda crappy/short <3
` lyrics ; worth the wait - we are scientists

[/center]

[caine davin seymour]

and if strength is born from heartbreak
then mountains i can move
and if walls could speak i'd pray that they would tell me what to do

A slap in the face would have been more subtle.

Caine froze for a second, he had remained silent while she treated him with calm words instead of yelling at him. He would have preferred a scene than this treatment he was giving him. But, she was right. His own father had been a terrible addict and he didn't want to be like him, but he was definitely on the wrong path if that was his goal. Still, she stood in front of him and with stoic and serious blue eyes looking at him she uttered those words that for a second didn't register. Did he hear that correctly? What? His mind was racing, all he had heard was 'pregnant'. His current response was that of a man being told he knocked up his girlfriend and it took him a moment to breathe and when he did he let out a breath, not out of relief but simply out of physiological need. Caine took a step back, and luckily the pictures were not right behind him or he would have fallen over them. The picture of his mother was still in his hand, forgotten for as second as he tried to take in the magnitude of her small statement. This time, truly, he was speechless. How did he respond to that? The statements uttered earlier were all forgotten now, her sarcasm of getting clean and then doing drugs again being cute. And then another blow, as he continued to register the words spoken to him. "When I left.". Past tense, as in just over a little more than a year ago. Shit. This time he felt a drop in the bottom of his stomach, some kind of sinking feeling that he was and wasn't used to.

That sinking feeling was strong and he hadn't felt this in such a long time that it had taken him a second to even recognize it. Pregnancies take nine months and she had been gone more than a year, and here she was but by herself. No baby, no child. Caine crossed his arms and moved to the other side of the room, he didn't want her so close to him right now. He wanted to say something, ask a question but he couldn't string the right words together. Then, it all came together. She was just using his drug use as an excuse,a cover up to the real reason. She got knocked up, by him. And then she left him, out of the blue. So much for him being the bag guy all along, this made him a little uneasy and he felt his anger rise a little. This whole time she had lied to him and placed all this guilt on his shoulders like he was the only one that needed to change. He clenched his jaw, his own tension rising. "You didn't leave because of me. You were running away." He shook his head a little bit as he was speaking. Besides feeling a little mad he wasn't sure what else to feel, it wasn't often that you found yourself in such a situation. She ran away from a problem instead of just telling him. She had wanted him clean and that would have been the best way to force him into it and discipline him into that lifestyle versus the current road he had created for himself that wasn't much better than the previous one. Either way, it wasn't fair to the child, the one that apparently didn't exist anymore. He swallowed, just the thought made him a little upset, his own father had knocked up his mother and then there was Caine.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Caine rubbed his tired eyes, he had a overwhelming urge to just tell her to leave because he couldn't think from all he activity in his brain. The confusion she had just caused him was going to relentlessly haunt him for a few nights, she didn't even have a clue. Now, he had to ask her. She had blurted out that she had gotten pregnant, now she had to answer more because it was only fair to him. It was one thing to ruin a relationship by walking out but it was different when a child was involved, or whatever it had been. "Did you....?Um.." He couldn't even say it, or even find an adjective to help him out. Caine wanted to know if she had gotten an abortion, or what had happened. There was so much doubt in his mind and this certainly knocked him in a different direction than he wanted to be. Still, he was pretty ticked off. Not to mention upset, it wasn't like she had borrowed five dollars and forgotten to pay it back or even just left him as she had done, this was more and he found himself feeling more and more upset in this silence that was growing and these questions he hall of a sudden had. To be honest, he was just pissed off about it, actually. But, he would try to remain calm as much as he just wanted to punch something.

Caine sat down on the farthest spot on the couch and placed down the picture frame that he had still been holding, there was a little bit of disbelief in his eyes where there could have and should have been a glint of happiness and excitement a year ago. Caine rubbed his eyes again and ran his fingers through his hair. "Why did you just fucking tell me?" He said in a lower tone of voice, he didn't want to yell because he didn't want to get out of control. Besides the fact that she had withheld such a large piece of information from him, he was also angry about how he had been the bad guy this whole time, that it was his fault that she left, because he had been selfish and chose drugs, that he wouldn't have changed for her. Despite their both broken pasts involving their family and parents, they clearly didn't see eye to eye on this. Caine didn't want to turn into his father but he was doing it on his own in a sense and she was putting that mold and mask on him, he would never becoming him, he would never be that kind of monster. Caine leaned his head on his hand that balanced on his knee, while he waited for some response from her he looked at the wall, he couldn't even look at her because he hadn't decided how to feel about her besides angry, upset and heartbroken.

---

no worries! i liked it :]

[autumn mika longley]

I CANT TELL YOU WHAT IT REALLY IS, I CAN ONLY TELL YOU WHAT IT FEELS LIKE

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& RIGHT NOW THERES A STEEL KNIFE IN MY WINDPIPE
_________________

At this moment Mika knew she should have waited - or timed out - the drop of the pregnant bomb on Caine. She never actually caught him completely off guard, completely open and unaware of what secret she was keeping. No one knew of it, aside from the doctors that told her she lost the baby about two weeks after she was placed in the hospital. That was a very strange day for Mika - she woke up alone in the ICU of some hospital in London. She had no visitors, only doctors and nurses and other patients she met while she was mobile again. It was funny - every day she thought of Caine. Hoped to get in touch with him as soon as possible, but at this moment she was regretting every single step she took when she first came back to his doorstep that day. Every single stupid little footstep that seemed like such a brilliant idea. She wouldn't be in this mess, facing down ghosts she really didn't have the patience or mindset to deal with. She didn't plan on this, she didn't plan on thoughtlessly blurting out her best kept secret to the person it affected the most. For someone who always has a back door out of every situation, out of every problem she sure couldn't find one now.

She caught the bad reaction from Caine knowing he wasn't taking it well. She was thankful he wasn't putting his fist through a wall or something, which she was sure he wanted to be doing right now. He could have been yelling at her, forcing her to leave - saying how he never wanted to see her again. She was nervous, for the first time since she came by his apartment a few weeks ago. It was that sick to the stomach 'oh shit,' feeling you get when you know you fuck up on something big. Like forgetting a line in a play when you are the lead role kind of thing. At this moment Mika felt like the spotlight was on her, Caine's blood boiling at the thought he had a kid once. The thought gave Mika the chills for a while too. But the once soon-to-be baby has long since been gone from her memory, and it forever would be. It was one of those things Mika liked to do - y'know, try to forget the mistakes you've made and move on with your life. But no matter how hard you try you can't just forget something like that. Let's be realistic.

Mika's eyes stayed on the floor because she didn't want to look at Caine. She could hear the disappointment and anger in his voice as he confronted her, called her out on her lies and secrets. Or one huge secret rather. It was was easy for him to pin the blame on her now, make her look like this was all her fault. The thought agitated her a bit because she was still convinced she made the right decision. "I didn't run away. I'm not a bloody coward," she hissed in her defense, annoyed that Caine would use such terms to describe what she did. She wasn't running, she was going to handle the situation without a weaker heart in the way. Mika knew he would think about keeping it, or at lest putting it up for adoption. In Mika's mind there was no other choice but abortion. She couldn't raise a child on her own and trying to raise one with Caine would have been an even worse idea. She knew that if she went through birthing the child she would want to keep it so putting it up for adoption wouldn't of worked. She broke her heart once before she wasn't going to do it again. Leaving Caine was one of the hardest things Mika ever did, but the hardest was most certainly deciding on the abortion.

"Starting thinking like a parent Caine," Mika told him, slightly agitated. She never actually dealt with what happened, it was something she never just talked about. So she was a little testy right now, her english accent dripping with anger and frustration. She didn't like being put on the spot like this, even if it was only the two of them. She watched him move to sit on the couch her mind racing on what to say, how to explain herself. To him it might sound like an excuse, but for her it was all the reason she ever needed. "What would you have done if I told you? Hum? Dropped out of school, got a job, maybe sold a few drugs on the side to get by? What would I do?" she asked, her anger fuming and her voice slightly rising. "Lets be realistic Caine! Did you really think you would have cleaned up if there was a kid involved? Look at what it took for you to get to rehab this time, and this is what - your second time there?" she hissed. "Not to mention I still found a bag of coke on the floor of your kitchen!" she said, anger coming out of her every poor as she gestured to the kitchen. "Do you really think we could have a raised a child? As a parent would you have wanted to leave your child with us?" she said, placing her hand on her forehead as she calmed down slightly after all the yelling.

"You're drug use was a huge issue, don't you forget that," she reminded him, her eyes finally looking to him. He wasn't looking at her. The sick feeling in her stomach got worse. "I was going to tell you - but then that night. I just left. I had a plan, everything was going to be fine," she said slightly calmer than before. "I was going to get an abortion. Adoption wasn't an option because I would have wanted to keep it. But when I got home before I could actually get to a - a clinic .." her voice drifted off, that hint of anger rising in it slightly at the end of her words. "But Dad got hold of me before. I still hadn't completely explored my options, I wasn't 100% positive I wanted the abortion but it didn't matter. I lost the baby. Found out two weeks after the fact when I woke up in the fucking hospital," she said, the pinned up emotions clear on her face. All the anger and frustration in her finally building up all the way. She didn't cry, she didn't want to break down into tears like she has in front of Caine before. She just very quickly and viciously kicked the chair she was standing near, her small body able to pack a small punch to it if she really tried. The chair moved a few inches over, Mika never actually getting that mad and frustrated before.

She collected herself, her eyes looking past Caine as she knew he didn't want to look at her. "Huh. At lest you are the first person I told all this too," she laughed slightly to herself. How fitting.

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`status; /dies your post was wonderful!
` lyrics ; love the way you lie - eminem

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[caine davin seymour]

and if strength is born from heartbreak
then mountains i can move
and if walls could speak i'd pray that they would tell me what to do

For all the experiences that Caine had been through personally, he had never gone through something like this. It was more of a realization of how much they really doubted each other. In a sense they knew each other and how each other would react, and at the same time they didn't because sometimes the same mold or formula didn't apply to a particular situation. Personally, Caine was pretty sure that he would have cleaned up his act had he known of a pregnancy. Maybe not pop out a ring and have a shotgun wedding, but at least grow up a little bit. The last thing he would have wanted for his child was a childhood like his own because his father had been forced into a marriage because of an unplanned pregnancy and that had not worked out well for anybody. Still, he did doubt himself a little but he wished that there wasn't so much lack of faith in him by so many people. He didn't say anything, but in his mind she had run away instead of talking to somebody about it, even if it had been his sister because Cass would not have told him. She was wise beyond her years and more mature than Caine would have ever been and would have tried to find some kind of solution that worked. There was annoyance in her voice and besides hearing it, he could feel it. They were both up on their tempers because of the sensitive nature of the topic. Why didn't she just tell him? Even if he had denied the child and decided to cut her out of his life at least then he would have been the real bad guy and the pain would have been the same as her leaving him in the first place.

How could he do that? He the hell was he supposed to think like a parent? Clearly there was no child, but he was not going to put himself in those shoes when there was no reason to wear them. The lecture she was giving him only made him more antsy and wanting to just get up and leave, it was just pushing that arrow on the scale higher. What the fuck did she know? Who the fuck was she to just waltz in and judge him like that? Money wasn't a problem, he had family money and he just chose not to live lavishly. If anything he left the majority of the control with his siblings because he had known he couldn't handle that and at first they didn't want it, but they agreed to share that. She had a point, nobody was calling him up to babysit and they wouldn't anytime soon but all her points stung with each word, probably because they were so true and that only upset him more. Why was she telling him what he already knew? This situation was different. "What the fuck do you know? How do you know what I would have done? Yea, I have a drug problem, but I will never be my father. I will never do what he did." Caine had stood up at this point, he clearly wasn't a happy camper and she was lucky he hadn't thrown something and just left. At least with a child to raise and be connected to he would have had something to live for in a sense. Not to downplay Mika's role in his life, but this was different. It would have been a blessing and an eye-opener that not even an overdose would have given him.

Caine just shook his head and walked over a few steps, arms crossed because he didn't know what to do with them. She explained what had happened and he felt a twinge of guilt. Caine hadn't tried to even contact her, or he had tried but didn't have the correct channels to correct. Even then he was sure that she didn't want to talk to him because she had just left and disappeared, what made him think that a nice phone call would bring her back home to him. Her father had taken care of the abortion for her and just the thought brought a sinking feeling in his chest. A feeling of failure fell upon him, how could she have done anything else when he was high all the time. He felt upset again and though he was still mad at her he felt angry at himself as well. There was suddenly a loud noise and he looked over at her as a chair was knocked over. Looked like she wasn't the only one that wanted to throw shit around, but he could see the raw emotion in her face and eyes and just didn't know what to do. One half wanted to hold her and the other half just wanted some time to think and properly absorb such information. At a time like this six months ago Caine would have just left and gone to a bar, or just consoled himself with a needle in his arm or a handful of pills. Just something to make him numb enough to not feel anything for just a little bit and be comfortable there on that cloud. That wasn't an option and he decided that already on his mind, even with the small baggie of coke in his pocket.

At her last admission he looked at her a little surprised and then looked away again. How could she have held all that in for so long, it was enough to make a person just crack. She was a lot stronger than Caine gave her credit for but he just didn't see the strength at times when it was really needed. Then again he was hardly the strong figure he wanted to be as the eldest of four, they took care of him more than he did in return. And she knew. She knew that he was that accidental baby and there was a quick marriage and then a horrible life, maybe she was scared of falling into that and he didn't blame her but he could never picture himself being like his father, he actually had a heart even if he just didn't show it at times, it was there and she had seen it bare. Still, she would have never told him and he wouldn't have been feeling this pain right now, like a piece of his heart had been stolen right before his eyes and it had just shriveled up and died, it was a piece that he was not going to get back, ever. Caine shook his head a little and sat down again, Caine rarely ever showed such anger outward and it had been a while since the last time he had plowed around in a rage and with angry tears in his eyes, he almost wanted to now but he knew that at the end he wouldn't feel good. He felt like he was sinking a little, back into that hole he was used to being at the bottom of. He took a deep breath and let it out, looking at her and spoke, but hardly loud at all. "You didn't even give me a chance..."

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i liked your post! oh the drama :D

[autumn mika longley]

( Bang Bang he shot me down, bang bang

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t h a t • a w f u l • s o u n d • b a n g • b a n g • m y • b a b y • s h o t • m e • d o w n[/i]
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Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

Mika was never a religious person. But at this point, for whatever reason, she felt like she had committed two of the biggest sins in the catholic religion - well, almost that is. If Mika went through with the abortion it would have been considered a sin in their eyes. Not only that but she lied to the father of her unborn child. Mika's on a roll today, thats for sure. Mika felt judged. She felt like she was on this stand and Caine was the jury, judging her for what she has done, what she didn't do. Her mind wondered as he defended himself against her works, Mika not looking to him but rather past him, to the window. She couldn't look at him. She was ashamed, aggravated and just plain uncomfortable. She wondered, if there was a final judgement and all, if her sins would ever be forgiven. She was unsure, but she knew that it wouldn't hurt to try.

Frustration finally breaking through in a physical manner, Mika quickly took a seat in sat chair after she kicked it and took a breath, purposely getting the seat as far away from Caine as possible. She didn't want to be closer to him then she had to. She still didn't look at him, her body sitting on the edge of the chair as she got figidy like she needed a fix. She was nervous, and really didn't want to have this conversation anymore. She just wanted to leave. walk out and run away like she did before. Like she does for everything in her life. She let out a small laugh before finally speaking. "I stopped believing in fairytale endings a long time ago Caine," Mika told him, knowing that things in life never work out how you want them to, or how you hope they will. Raising a child would be a lot harder then they both think, and she knew that they both weren't ready for it. "We both have a lot of growing up to do Caine. We both weren't ready for something like that and you know it," she told him in a more pleading voice then anything else. She was sick of arguing with him, she was sick of constantly being at each others throats.

His next set of words hit her like a ton of bricks. A wave of guilt hit Mika hard, she unknowing how to respond. He was right. How selfish of her to keep such a large secret from him. He was her best friend before anything else - he would have been the first person she told had this been someone else's child. But it wasn't someone else's child, it was his. And that was the big difference. Still, Mika saw where he was coming from and knew it was wrong of her not to tell him. He was right, she didn't give him a chance at all. She just assumed this was the worst idea ever and took action without discussing it with the person who was in just as much shit as you were. She was ashamed, and extremely sorry.

She didn't know how to bring these words about, so after a moment of silence she just said them. "Caine I-" she started, breaking the tense air with her thick accent. "I should have told you. I'm sorry ... for everything," she said, knowing that she had done wrong. It was a hit to Mika's ego but she knew it was something that had to be done. "I just knew that this wouldn't of worked. I didn't need to get married or any of that stupid shit, just a .. peace of mind feeling. But I never could have that with you ... I didn't think that would change," Mika, now soft spoken continued. "I didn't intend on having such an unpleasant trip back home. I was debating about contacting you the minute I landed. It would have taken me a couple weeks but I would've called .." she said, knowing that it wasn't much of a justification but hoped it helped the situation somewhat. "The only reason why I've been able to keep it from you for so long is because I haven't had the ability to get in contact with you until right before you went to rehab," Mika's eyes fluttered, finally making contact with his.

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- - status; sorry for the wait, kinda crappy ;___; your post was heartbreaking. :'D<3
- - lyrics ; bang bang my baby shot me down - Nancy Sinatra

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[caine davin seymour]

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.

Like with any injury or wound as soon as the initial shock ceased for even a moment the pain set in at the vulnerable moment. Caine was still absorbing, he was digesting the knowledge that he had conceived a child with Mika and then he had to absorb the knowledge that it was dead and had been destined to disappear without his knowledge at all. Caine didn't know how to respond or even how to think, she was the wrong for not telling him but also in the right because he hadn't been the state to be a father and be responsible for somebody other than himself. Hell, at the time he could have barely taken care of himself. Money was never an issue, just his lifestyle because he was walking a tightrope everyday and couldn't feel his balance because he was so numb. The more this conversation continued, the farther they seemed to be from each other on every level. Like this was driving a huge wedge between them and it was only getting worse. Caine didn't want to believe what she was saying though it was more than 100% true, even if he had cleaned up they wouldn't have been ready for such a responsibility, it drove the knife deeper having to admit to that though he didn't do it verbally. Still, she hadn't talked to him, hadn't even tried to do something. Even if she still left him after telling him because he had chosen drugs at least he would have that on his shoulders and would have tried harder to change maybe, but how knew?

When you feel these certain emotions and create those special connections such types of communication was so much difficult. How open he had been before they became involved romantically had diminished the closer they got, you'd think it would be the opposite but for them it was a long and winding road they were still navigating. Caine listened to what she was saying but he looked at the floor and the walls instead of her, he just didn't know what he would do if he saw those eyes right now, the ones he loved to see every morning when she was still here and the ones that were bright and happy and made him happy. There was a small turning feeling in his chest and he swallowed hard, his emotional state was just dropping right now and it was falling fast. She apologized to him, but apologized for what? Killing his baby? What did everything cover? In fact, he wasn't even mad anymore he was just in that upset stage that sometimes looked like anger and for him it did, just like a filter in his vision until it went away. Still, he looked up to glance at her and she looked at him. So what now? How did this continue? What was he supposed to say or do to end this, because he certainly didn't know what to do having never been in this situation before. Even through that filter he knew she was right and that really it was his fault that she left, his fault that she didn't tell him and his fault that the child would have never lived. It hurt to think about it though.

Just having this information for the small lapse of time that he did felt heavy and uncomfortable, how had she managed to hold that in for so long especially from a mother's perspective. The pain brought a different perspective, one that he didn't really want to think about right now but he knew that he would have to deal with it for it to stop bothering him. Caine looked away from her and back at the coffee table, it was clean and organized, the way it was supposed to be. Not covered with burnt spoons or razor blades, but normal and clean. "You're right... He muttered, though he knew he had a lot of fault he didn't want to take it all himself. They had both fucked up, whether they liked it or not. There was no such thing as stability for his life because it had never been created, a child would have rocked the boat until it just sunk and then where would they have been? Caine didn't want to admit that, but he did, she was right on every point and it made him mad the more times that those words passed through his mind over and over again because he couldn't see himself like she did and was mad that he was this way and mad that he caused so many problems for everybody. Caine fidgeted in his place, clearly a little upset and he almost felt like a child about to throw a tantrum and have angry tears streaming down his face. He wouldn't do that but his hands fidgeted against one another and he glanced at the table again, the first thing he saw was that picture with the beautiful blonde, the one that had abandoned him in hell.

"Goddammit!" On instinct he grabbed that picture and just threw it at the wall farthest from the both of them. The glass shattered and he was breathing a little harder than before. Standing up now he took a deep breath and put his hands behind his head. The anger was toward himself, how could he blame her for the way he had acted and been? He just couldn't, it wouldn't have been fair. He was still the bad guy here after all. With the little outburst of anger he was just left feeling upset and sad, and he could only mutter, "This is all my fault..."

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loved your post! and no worries, i got a busy week too :/