try to remind myself that I was happy here;

[autumn mika longley]

( I love the girl, but god only knows

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I t s • g e t t i n g • h a r d e r • t o • s e e • t h e • s u n • c o m i n g • t h r o u g h[/i]
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Even though it was easy for Mika to place all the blame on Caine, set her guilt free and not have this horrible feeling looming over her she still couln't bring herself to do it. It was partially her fault too, she couldn't let him suffer all the guilt and pressure that came with this, it was a two way street. When he admitted to her being right she gave a defeated look, not wanting to make him feel even worse about what had happened. That wasn't her intent, but at lest it seemed like she got her point across to him. Her blue eyes remained on him as he processed everything that was happening, at lest that is what she figured he was doing. Then, out of no where he snapped, something similar to what she had done when she kicked the chair. Only coming from Caine it was a lot scarier, considering he was well .. Caine, and she was little harmless Mika for the most part. She jumped a little when he yelled, the picture making contact with the wall, the sound of shattering glass giving Mika a horribly familiar feeling. Did her father break glass on a few occasions? Hell if she remembered, hell if she cared. He was nothing more then a bad nightmare to her now, nor was he anything more then someone to use for what she needed. Mika had expected something so physically violent from Caine earlier in this conversation to be perfectly honest, she surprised that he kept himself composed for so long. She was impressed - maybe he did change a little after all.

Still, his next words made her feel like someone shot her right through her heart. "It was not all your fault," she retorted immediately before having any well thought out words to tell him. She didn't want him to feel that way, he shouldn't have to deal with this issue alone. "It's just as much mine. I should have came to you, we would have dealt with this together instead of alone. We wouldn't be in this mess if I wasn't such a .." she thought for a moment, realizing she was contradicting herself from one of her earlier statements, but admitted to it anyways. "Coward," she finished, getting to her feet to approach Caine, but realize that being near him right now might not have been the best idea. He was on edge, Mika knew she wouldn't exactly want to be touched (though she wouldn't of cared if it was Caine). So standing in front of the chair Mika looked at Caine, hoping, trying to find some way to bring this guilt off of him. She was uncomfortable, he was uncomfortable, this entire situation just sucked. Mika didn't want to do this anymore.

She finally walked over to him slowly, crossing what seemed like an ocean to get to him. It was strange how far the two had come, and it was strange how Mika never saw herself in this kind of position. How could anyone foresee something like this happening? A few moments after she took he first step in his direction she was finally standing in front of him, a few inches from his heated disposition as she brought her hands up to her chest, face looking down at them as she picked at her nails, bangs hanging in her face as she tried to speak. Her hands, that where once in front of her chest found their way to his shirt as she played with it, acting like she was dusting it off and cleaning him up to go out somewhere. It was really just a way to stall time as she thought of something to say, but hoped that her just being there was enough to relax him, even though she was the cause of his rage to begin with. She was somewhat more gathered, her heart stopped beating so fast with the adrenaline of the moment, finding the close quarters the two were sharing relaxing, natural. Generally always acting on impulse, Mika reached up, standing on her tippy toes as she did so because Caine was just that much taller then her, grabbing both his hands that were resting on the back of his hand and bringing down in front of him, her hands wrapped in his. "Don't blame yourself for this. As much as your drug problem played a role I am just as guilty," she started, looking up to him with a small smile. It was forced, it was somewhat faked, Mika unsure if she really could smile in this situation but was trying. For his sake. "We're in this together, remember?" she asked, tilting her head to the side curiously before bringing their hands up to her eye level and letting them go.

She stepped backwards away from Caine after, remembering the picture that was now laying on the floor of someone who was clearly very important to Caine, no matter how she died. She turned her back to him, her fingers laced together behind her back as she approached the scene of the crime, dropping down to her knees as she started to pick up the shattered pieces. Mika grinned to herself, finding this shattered picture frame symbolic to their shattered relationship. She picked up what was left of the frame first, the picture of a beautiful blond staring at her as she examined it more closely. She truly was lovely, Mika wishing she would have had the opportunity to meet her. It was sad to think that such beautiful people come to such unfortunate ends. She got up for a moment to put the picture on a near by table, returning to the position she was in to pick up the glass. After a moment of silence, Mika found herself in the position to ask the question that they were both thinking, but to afraid to verbalize. Maybe because they wouldn't like the answers given, but everything was out in the open now. No need to hide beside closed doors. "What now?" she questioned, looking to him for a moment. "Ouch!" Mika squeaked, attention turning to the ground as her finger started to bleed, her lack of attention to the glass causing her to cut herself. She let out a small laugh, finding it kind of funny after the day she had been having. It was just the icing on the cake.

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I • l o v e • y o u • b u t • w h a t • a r e • w e • g o i n g • t o • d o ?[/i]

- - status; expect a PM from me sometime in the future ;D
- - lyrics ; every planet we reach is dead - the gorillaz

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[caine davin seymour]

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.

Caine wanted her to leave, but he didn't want her to leave and lave this all unresolved for another month. Still, he didn't know what do with himself. And what made it worse was he didn't want to tell his sister and brother that he'd knocked his ex-girlfriend and the baby was gone because that would just start more shit that he didn't want. As much as he wanted to rub it in her face of her admission he couldn't because that wasn't fair. Caine was a coward himself for hiding himself all the time. Numbing all his feelings by sticking a needle in his arm and as he glanced down he could still see the scars that have yet healed and the ones that gave him away for what he really was : A mess. And so was that picture frame, he didn't feel any better after throwing it at the wall and the glass going everywhere was just more of a mess he was creating. That and Christian would kill him because that was one of his favorite pictures despite his memory being so short of her. Cassie asked questions about it that he didn't like answering, though lately he'd spilled out a lot to her and that had changed her perspective on a lot of things entirely. He didn't feel better, that anger was slightly gone but it just unearthed this new sad emotion, he felt upset and depressed, that sinking feeling overcame his chest and stomach though he tried not to show it.

Caine was so in a daze of his own creation that he almost didn't notice Mika coming over to him, he almost just wanted to move away and then again it was comforting all at the same time. There were those slightly butterflies that nobody else gave him for a second the closer she got to him, calming him in a way that nobody else could. Through his shirt he could feel her hands, they hadn't been this close in over a year and he really hadn't realized how much he had missed it. There was no replacing those close nights, whether they had been romance or just heat of the moment, waking up to a familiar face and not whoever you picked up the night before. Or even waking up, hungover to the usual person you ran away too, it didn't fill the void. She grabbed his hands, her small hands in control of his larger and rougher ones and he just let her do whatever she was doing because he was too tired and upset to fight anything. The impulse to hide in his room and curl up in a ball came up over him, and he tried to push it away, nobody understood. They all sounded like broken records on his drug use, why do you do it? Don't you see you are hurting the people around you? Don't you see that you are hurting yourself? Caine didn't have a clear explanation why he did these dangerous life-threatening drugs but they just didn't understand either, nobody would listen.

Together. He would have never thought that she would shown her face here again let alone hint at a second chance. Could they ever go back without bringing up the past? He wasn't sure and he didn't know how to even think through this, it was all so fragile and he was afraid of even looking at the thin ice he felt like he was standing on from the moment she stepped in this room. But, how would they deal with this together when she admitted to taking his child away from him? Caine hadn't forgotten that yet and he didn't have a verdict on how to respond to that yet, so far it wasn't looking good. She moved away from him, he didn't really have anything to say about anything and he wondered what his eyes were saying, he could never control the emotion in them. She moved away from him and to the carnage on the other side of the room, the glass was everywhere and he didn't care about that right now. She asked the question of the hour and he didn't know. He didn't know anything right now and he didn't really want to be asked. She caught his attention as, after he looked, she had cut her finger on the glass he had broken. Of course, that had to be his fault too. Caine went to the kitchen, not a few steps away and grabbed the first small clean towel he could find and walked back to her where he knelt next to her and wrapped her finger in the towel and in his hand. "Don't worry about the glass, i'll clean it up later." Caine look at the many pieces and wondered if that was what his life looked like. It was such a sad picture.

Caine sighed and decided to just throw out an answer. "I don't know Mika, I don't know what you want me to do." Caine felt like he was being sent in all different directions, he was pretty lost in it all what was he supposed to do with all the information she had just told him?

[autumn mika longley]

( Don't forget love, you're who called for me

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h o w • l o n g • b e f o r e • i m • j u s t • a • m e m o r y ?[/i]
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The blood that was slowly coming out of Mika's finger almost made her want to cry. She thought about it, for a split second - just breaking down right there in Caine's floor and sob her eyes out like a five year old you just lost their ice cream. For a split second, it was a good idea. A good excuse to let out all the emotion that she only got out partially in this conversation. However as quickly as it entered her mind it left, Mika knowing it would be absolutely ridiculous to sit there and cry over a little cut on her finger. That and she's already cried in front of him more times then she would have hoped, the last thing she wants is to appear even more weak then she already did. So she held her finger out, giving a slightly painful look to it as she placed her other hand underneath the dripping blood to keep it from getting on the floor or on the picture of someone who was so beautiful.

The throbbing pain from her finger was a reminder of something that Mika overcame, and the thought of something that was going to stay with her forever. She was no longer affected by her fathers abuse, but the memory is something that will stay in her forever, the thought of what a parent shouldn't be. That was going to be something that will make fearful for children of her own for a while - she doesn't want to fail at something like that. She came from a family of nothing but failures in the area of parenting, did she really expect herself to be any different? It was genetic, right? The thought was petrifying, Mika was almost a mother. She had a child growing in her small body, and before it was even born she had already failed miserably as a parent. She was going to get an abortion. She would have literally (in some opinions) killed her child. Another scar on her tattered and worn emotional state, knowing that as a parent she would have never made it. She's too selfish, too impulsive, too cowardly to face down something hard, instead she chooses a back door. She always has a back door, she never takes a complete leap of faith. She was kicking herself right now, Mika knowing that if she came to Caine instead of running they would have done this together. Nothing is ever as scary for her when he is by her side, helping her through it all. It was like together they could do anything.

Mika was brought out of thought by Caine's words, blinking as she realized the cut was not closing up anytime soon and she probably should have went to get herself a towel or something. But by the time she realized what was happening Caine was already at her side, knelt beside her with a towel in his hands. She gave a soft smile, letting him address the wound accordingly in his hands. "My hero," she said with a light laugh after, eyes fluttering back to the floor as she looked at the shattered glass. "I feel kind of responsible," she shrugged, feeling like it was her fault he threw the picture. He wouldn't have done so if they didn't have the conversation they were just having. Though she supposed it was needed and was to happen eventually. Still, she hoped that it would've went a lot better then that. "Thank you," she said, looking at her now wrapped finger. Worked for her.

Mika was holding her composure well, still being a hot mess on the inside but not letting it show. It didn't make much sense to be a blubbering mess, it seemed that Caine might have actually calmed down too. It was hard to judge by his actions and words, and Mika was still too fearful to look directly into his eyes. It was always the only way she could tell what he was really feeling. His next set of words hit her like a freight train. What does she want? She just wants him. She wants Caine Davin Seymour to be her boyfriend, her lover, the guy of her dreams - but the lingering bag of cocaine that was in Caine's pocket made her second guess her choice. "You called me here, right? what did you want to happen - y'know, before that entire bomb," she started, wanting to hear what he had to say. "You're what I want. But .. you know my terms. I need to know that you wont choose drugs over me again, and that little baggy I found isn't reassuring .." her voice drifted off a bit at the end as Mika got to her feet. When she puts it in those kinds of terms she feels like the worst person on the planet, literally worthless. She was sure to some others it would come off as her not being better then drugs to him, which only fueled her insecurities. She bit her bottom lip, never actually getting an explanation from him about it - other than it's different. Well no shit it's different, she wanted to know why the bag was in his bloody kitchen. She still remained calm, her eyes finally connecting with Caine's again.

"To be honest I'm surprised you didn't kick my sorry arse out of here after all that. I-I honestly was expecting you to want me out of your life ..."

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- - status; eeeee c:
- - lyrics ; swing - taking back sunday

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[caine davin seymour]

What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead

A paper cut was hardly something to worry about as far as a life or death situation. Though this situation was turning everything into a bigger deal than it was. It just seemed that every time Caine's sobriety or drug use was of mention any other transgression included was compounded to a higher level. Either that or something small turned into something huge, like a small hole in an article of clothing, soon it was trashed. They were both the same emotionally, at least they fought on the same battlefield. Years of physical, emotional abuse had hardened them and it made them the way they were. Caine was a junkie and a nobody because he had let himself get robbed of his own identity, he had just thrown it away for an eight-ball at a club, and didn't remember the time after that even, like he was in auto-pilot and just getting from point a to b. As much as he stood up to himself and told himself that he would have been the change, the difference and not been like his father he was just like him. Despite the heroin use, the needles and suffering he brought his family he would have made a horrible father. A child would not have rid his body of that horrid physical dependence and in the end he never wanted to feel the pain, he would have never made that sacrifice. To admit to yourself anything is difficult and he swallowed hard, trying to ignore that tightening feeling in his throat.

She jumped a little when he held her bleeding hand, like she had been in deep thought before he re-approached. He nodded, she wasn't responsible but he didn't have the energy to throw out the usual reassurances, he really didn't where the blame on this one really went to or what piece they each shared, they both dropped the ball and had to suffer for it. Still, he did mean his question, what did she want from him, hadn't he already done what she had asked. Yes, the drugs in his place had turned everything off balance, but he had a confession about that too. Caine had not relapsed into anything, he was trying extremely hard not to and he had been sleeping most nights on the couch because he couldn't sleep in his own room, all it reminded him off was all those sleepless nights where he'd sit against wall as he held the end of his belt in his mouth while his free hand held a needle, or when he'd wake up bleary eyed and blood covering his sheets because he'd passed out. It was like flashing scenes from a horror movie and it threw his brain in a frenzy. He listened and his heart felt like it was beating unevenly, it was always about the drugs and it would always come into question, like he had gotten rid of the demon that possessed him but the chain around his ankle would never leave, it would aways be there to remind him and everybody of what his past contained and what he carried with him always.

Still, he hadn't relapsed and that he could say with fact. Yes, he had done some coke and whatnot after getting clean, but he'd stopped himself and gone through that guilt trip and stopped it from escalating because God only knew that he couldn't control himself at all in that area. Cassie had helped him a lot through that one and he had actually stayed clean, even at the risk of ripping his own hair out sometimes. Caine swallowed again, he hadn't wanted to even discuss it, she wouldn't believe him so why waste the effort. "It's not mine." Well it sure as hell wasn't anybody else's in the household, "I honestly didn't know it was there." He couldn't even remember all his clever hiding spots when high. "Yea, I had a couple bumps in the road, but I didn't and haven't relapsed."

[/b] Caine had avoided saying anything because he didn't want to put up the effort to fight a losing battle, he was probably clean a month and you couldn't trust an addict even six months down the road let alone a month. Still, he wasn't lying and he didn't want to lie anymore, just being next to her he could feel her tension and sadness, and he looked at her and could see it too. It's not that she didn't want to be with him, she did and the drugs made you a different person: a stranger.

He really didn't know what else to say, he wasn't good at these things. At the same time, he wanted to avoid being a cliche depressing romance movie where he made promises and shit like that. How could he do that when he was barely taking it one step at a time here? Caine looked at her and he spoke, though not at a very loud level at all, " I never wanted you out of my life. "

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[autumn mika longley]

( it's the lie you told a thousand times before

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w o r s e • t h e n • a • f e a r • i t s • t h e • k n i f e[/i]
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At this point, Mika and Caine were at a crossroad. They were past the point of fighting, they were past the point of useless comments and past the point of all the dramatics. At lest Mika was, and she was sure that Caine was too. She didn't want to fight with him anymore, it left a sour taste in her mouth and an empty feeling in her stomach. She said some nasty things to him today, and the more she thought back on what was said the more she almost regretted it. Having the option she probably would have went about things a little differently today, having not said the things she said in the way she said them. But it was too late now, Mika couldn't go back and there was no sense in wishing things were different. Mika gave up on that kind of thing a long time ago - as a child she use to wish upon falling stars, hoping for a better tomorrow. But a better tomorrow never came, and Mika gave up on the thought. She can't just wish her life to be the way she wants it to be, she has to make it that way. Learning from experience, Mika knew that she had to work for things, just like Caine. She started to question herself again about everything - was Caine Seymour really worth all this aggravation and effort? The addiction problems that he just couldn't get over was driving Mika insane. All she wanted was him and it was like he didn't want to give it to her.

His next set of words caught Mika off guard. "It's not yours?" she repeated shortly after he had finished speaking. She wasn't asking him if it was his, it was more of her way to process what he was saying, like she ha to repeat it herself to believe it. But honestly, how on earth can she believe him? Given their track record it was tough for Mika, but she knew they were past the lies. Past the secrets and past all this bullshit. What would he achieve by lying to her right now? It would just send them further down the path to nowhere, and nothing good would come of it. Not to mention Caine actually openly admitted to having a few 'bumps in the road (which Mika couldn't help but grin at - how punny of him),' which made Mika feel a little bit better. It reassured her - maybe he was worth all of this. Right now he was proving himself, and as much as her head was telling her he was full of it she still buried her face in her hands. "This is all my fault ..." she started her words slightly muffled by her small hands. "I was so ready to see you a bloody mess, a junkie with nothing to live for I didn't even let you explain yourself. I just started yelling - look at us. We wouldn't be here right now if I wasn't such a selfish git," she said, feeling extremely guilty about everything. How could she not? She loves this man, and instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt she jumped down his throat and then told him about their unborn child. How was Mika going to work this out with him if she couldn't find it in her to forgive him for everything? How can she make this work if she cant forgive herself? Mika let her hands fall from her face and to her thighs were they rested, she biting her bottom lip more harshly this time, fighting back the urge to cry, again. She was such an emotional wreck. She smiled sweetly when Caine made her feel welcome in his life, forever and for always. She looked at him, letting a small laugh out under her breath. "You are a better person then I Caine, and I'm thankful for it," Mika told him, knowing that if roles were reversed Mika would have already been gone.

Looking to the door Mika thought that it was time to go. She had done enough damage for today, more damage then she had done last time she came by (which, was something she thought she couldn't accomplish). "I should leave," she murmured, eyes falling back to the floor.

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- - status; omg. no muse Dx
- - lyrics ; hard to say - the used

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[caine davin seymour]

No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death Greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

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The road they had left behind and traveled already was a mess and there really wasn't much reilef in sight, he had to rebuild relationships all over again and it was going to take time, unfortunately he was a little impatient, but he would deal with it as best he could. Who knew how long Cass would assault him for grabbing an advil from the cabinet, demanding to see what the pill was. He would just have to get used to it. Today had been difficult, he had really exposed himself in a way that he had avoided and not done in a very long time. On one hand he felt releived to a point and on the other he felt wounded because he hadn't been guarding himself. It still hurt, like a throbbing reminder of what you had done and what scar would be left behind. Just another chapter in his life where he had messed up and caused some significant consequence, not much he could do about it now. Her disbeilf did not surprise him, he didn't trust himself so how could he ask and beg her to listen and beileve him about anything drug related. The past year he had been scraping rock bottoms consistently and when you are at such a low point you do whatever you can to get what you need, but this was honestly not his and just being in contact with it made him uneasy and uncomforable, he felt tempted since he was craving something all the time, there were days he'd give his left foot for a needle and a gram.

Caine reached into his pocket and grabbed the small bag, roughly a gram left in there, half of what it had contained and enough for one good night and a miserable morning. He looked at it and swallowed hard, handing it over to her, if she left it with him he would eventually crack and he knew better. There was no worse feeling that being in single digits sobriety for the hundreth time when you had accomplished much before. He wanted to be honest and he had to start somewhere, there were probably better ways of beginning such a process but he didn't want her to leave thinking that he wasn't trying as hard as he could. There was a lot at stake besides her and their relationship, his family was on the line and his own health for that matter. Caine didn't blame her, she reacted appropriately and Cass would have just beat him over the head with a chair, not spared his physical safety as she had. Sure she had dropped a heavier bombshell but they would be fine, they would manage. He shook his head, no. "I was the selfish one, I don't blame you for not trusting me. I don't trust myself most of the time." He didn't want her to leave with that guilt that didn't belong to her, she hadn't done anything wrong, they both just lacked a little bit of tact in some situations like today.

That he didn't think was true, she was a better person than him in most ways, he was a lowlife drug addict and that was pretty low on that ladder, he shook his head no again. Caine just smiled at her, he didn't have much to say to that, the day had left him exhausted but he felt a little better than before. "You don't have to." Caine replied, meaning that he didn't want her to feel bad and just leave because of that, he wasn't mad, yes he was majorly hurt but he would deal with that, he was still taking in his part and how he'd lead her to that decision so he couldn't be mad at her for that. Still, he didn't want her to leave because she felt unwanted, because she wasn't.

---

ugh, no muse lately

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[autumn mika longley]

( a pill to make you numb, a pill to make you dumb

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a • p i l l • t o • m a k e • y o u • a n y b o d y • e l s e[/i]
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Mika Longley was more then ready to get herself completely numb for a while. These kinds of situations never work well for her, and even though a lot was brought into the light by her coming to see Caine today she knew that there wasn't much more for them to discuss, aside from trying to get back to something that was normal. Mika never opened up except to Caine, so even though this was somewhat normal for her, she faced demons in her closet that she was clearly not ready to face. She was completely open and vulnerable, and wanted nothing more then to smoke a little weed, or take some of the vicodin she had sitting back in her dorm for the annual pains in her back. She doesn't need to take them often anymore, which was nice, but sometimes it got her a little extra cash or an escape from reality for a while. She was a hypocrite for playing around with the things that she scolded Caine for, and she was well aware of it. But right now Mika almost didn't care, and what Caine didn't know wasn't going to hurt him. She was falling out of the routine to be perfectly honest, drugs weren't doing it for her like they use to. Hell, she might even just go back to her dorm and unpack the rest of her things.

She smiled lightly at Caine at his next comments, feeling a little bit better. She knew that if roles were reversed things wouldn't have ended as well for the two of them (not that they are perfect right now anyways). But she always tried to put herself in the shoes of others when she was disagreeing with them or arguing, which didn't happen often in her life. But right now, if she was in Caine's shoes she would have thrown herself out after dropping such a bombshell like she did. Having not talked to him before hand or at lest trying and giving him the chance for redemption. He might not have agreed with her comments on him being a better person then she, but she believed it with all her heart. She looked down to her bleeding hand for a moment, sure that the towel that Caine provided were keeping things under control. She smiled. "I think the blame can call on both of us," she admitted, knowing that not just one of them can carry the guilt alone. With that comment Mika got to her feet, removing the towel from her hand wand, examining the cut that was no longer bleeding thanks for Caine. She handed him back the towel "Thank you again," she said, gesturing to the towel.

"I know, I always feel welcomed here. But I think I caused enough drama today" she told him, not sure if he still wanted her around. But that comment made her somewhat at ease, and that was saying something given the situation they were just thrown into. "But I have a ton of unpacking to do still in my new dorm room. You caught me right in the middle of moving," she smiled sweetly at him, not wanting him to think she was leaving because of the conversation they just had. "You should come by this week, it's a single room so I don't have any annoying roommate like last semester," she said with a small eye-roll, hating the girl she was pinned with during the summer semester. "If not I'm going to have to just show up again here. You know I have a talent for doing that," she grinned a bit, pushing off the awkward tension a bit with a light joke. Mika walked past Caine and to the door where her shoes were, slipping her feet into them smoothly before turning back to Caine. "Either way I want to see you again soon," she assured him, not wanting him to think she was running out because she didn't want to see him. On the contrary it is the complete opposite. "Very soon," she murmured shortly after, not liking to admit her own needy tendencies.

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- - status; still working up muse for mika ;__; and sorry for the wait D':
- - lyrics ; coma white - marilyn manson

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