and i can't get free [kovu]

[Rouge Kade]

like a moth I'm drawn into your flame

[/size]

There was a part of me that couldn't figure out why I keep putting myself in such a crazy situation. It was crazy for me at least and it was almost a self sort of torture. Receiving a phone call from the hospital, once again, I dropped anything and everything and headed there. All I knew was it dealt with Kovu. Since I was the only number they ever called that dealt with them, the assumed it was okay to just use me as a contact number. Since the only way they would tell me what was wrong was if I went, I found myself sitting in the waiting room. As much as I hated to admit I had a very strong fondness to this dark boy. It was something I would never confess to anyone, let along myself. Maybe that is why I 'ran' when every he had some issue going on. It felt like a school crush, a bad school crush. My own in securities refuse to just man up and say something to him. My own hurtful and abusive past stopped me in tracks from developing any sort of feelings towards anyone, oh how they failed me now. For once, I just wish that my fears fucked with me. But no, for once my walls let someone in and I was hating myself more as each seconds that passed.

Getting comfortable in the chair, I pulled out my phone and messed around on my phone. Looking up as people walked in and sat. I felt out of place as some people say down crying. Here I was, just siting here all calm. Not worried at all. Well so it seem on the outside. My stomach was in knots, multiple knots. I was too the point it made me sick. Would I let it show? Never. No matter what, I just couldn’t. Seeing my phone light up with a text, I read it and sighed not even replying. Honestly, I was in deep shit for skipping out on a job. There was nothing that got in the way of doing my job. Until now. Turning off my phone, I looked up as a nurse walked in. Listening to her explain his actions, I just nodded some. My stomach felt like it was trying to run away. Almost shocked when she told me to follow her, I stood up and walked along side her. Her words of everything didn’t sick much, yet she explained everything to me. From his health to the medical expenses. What else could I do besides listen to her and my mind try to sort everything out completely.

Leaning against the wall some as the nurse knocked on it. I took a deep breath as she walked in. There was a part of me that went ‘Rouge just walk away’ but the nurse had more encouragement then the voice in my head. “Mr. Xavier we have a visitor here for you,” the nurse stated so sweetly. With her there my mind was at ease. As soon as she said she would leave us along, my thoughts started to race along with my heart. Taking a deep breath to myself hearing the door close, I looked over at him. “Hi.” I managed to say as I played with my fingers, looking back down to the for some what.

you say my name but it's not the same

tagged; Kovu Xavier
notes; my crazy mind
inspiration; i'm not strong enough- apocalyptica.

[Kovu "Archer" Xavier]

they say that love is forever,

I felt completely out of place and going crazy with all the white walls that surrounded me. The stitches in my arms were something that was starting to heal and itch like mad and I couldn’t touch them. God, that was one thing that pissed me off. I would scratch in my sleep so they had these bands that kept my arms tied down when I slept. I wasn’t ready to be tied down and taken care of. I didn’t even want to be here. So running through little escape plans in my head seemed like the best idea to forget about the beeping of the monitors and the stinging itch of my wrists.

That is, until I was interrupted when the door opened. “Mr. Xavier we have a visitor here for you.” I raised an eyebrow but stared at the wall that was at the foot of my bed. “I swear to GOD if it’s you Jagr, you-” something else caught my eye and as I turned my gaze I noticed Rouge. Feeling like my heart skipped a few beats I looked back to the wall. Not really sure what to say. I shut my eyes for a few moments, flipping my lip rings from side to side in thought. “Hey Rouge… uh..” murmuring. Fuck, why wasn’t I able to talk to her? It was like, she was this person you couldn’t hide things from, but you didn’t know how to say it. So you sat there stuttering and looking stupid like you didn’t learn how to speak. “I-I’m sorry.” Defeat had fell across my face.

your forever is all that I need.

tagged; Rogue Kade
notes; fdsjfldskjfkldsds sorry D:
inspiration; if I’m James Dean, You’re Audrey Hepburn – Sleeping with Sirens.

[Rouge Kade]

like a moth I'm drawn into your flame

[/size]

At the moment, I didn’t know what to say. ‘oh how are you feeling’ oh that was just a lovely thing to say. Yes, I so did not think this whole thing out very well. “I don’t think I’m Jagr.” I said with some sort of smile before looking back down at the floor. I was trying to find the girl that I once was. The one that didn’t have a sudden shyness and was lost for words. Never had it happened to me. Minus when I was around him lately. Bitting on my lip, I seem to coach myself in my head. Reminding myself to breath was my main focus. The blonde locks covered around my face as I looked up and over at him. Frozen it seem in my very tracks. How I wished and wished the nurse or someone would walk in. I needed and excuse to get out of the room. Everything was working against me. The silence in the room made a crazy like tension which made be fiddle more with my fingers.

Listening to him say sorry, I just shook my head. “Why are you telling me sorry,” I questioned lowly. Shifting my weight to my other leg, I crossed my arms over my stomach. Chewing on my lip some, my bright eyes flickered over to him. “What’s the reason behind this idea.” My words came out rather harsh. Covering my mouth with my hand quickly, I looked down once more. “That sounded mean...” Not daring to look back up at him, I counted the lines on the flooring. Great job, I just sounded like a huge bitch. The last thing I was trying to do. It seem when words fail, it was easier for me to be bitchy or snap. The last thing I wanted to do towards him.

you say my name but it's not the same

tagged; Kovu Xavier
notes; my crazy mind
inspiration; i'm not strong enough- apocalyptica.

[Kovu "Archer" Xavier]

I’ll be with you wherever you go,

Chewing on my lower lip, I listened as she spoke. Her gentle voice hitting my ears as she spoke about Jagr. The name instigated extreme fury, but I brushed it aside knowing that it was her by my side and not the traitor. Exhaling slowly, I looked over at her. “I’m sorry because I’m stupid.” I said softly with a confident nod. I was stupid. If I WASN’T stupid, I wouldn’t be laying in the bed after the SECOND time of me trying to commit suicide. So yeah, I was fucking stupid. The bottom of the stupid ladder was me. kovu. Listening to her again, I flinched slightly by her harshness of words, mentally. Watching her cover her mouth quickly I offered her a small forgiving smile.

“Its okay. Uh, the usual. Jagr.. Y’know. ” I said softly sighing, not sure how to really respond. Yeah it was jagr but it was also me. Jagr had asked me to do something and if I couldn’t do it right then I shouldn’t come back. I was staying at his place, and then, failing the operation, I couldn’t go back. And I was withdrawaling, I was really fucked up currently. But I wasn’t sure how to tell her that. I didn’t know if she could HANDLE that. And the thought of it raised my blood suger a lot.

through the eyes of a fly on the wall.

tagged; Rogue Kade
notes; short . sorry dear! <3
inspiration; everything we had – the academy is.

[Rouge Kade]

take away your broken misery

[/size]

Listening to his words, I tried to let them process the best I could before I even attempted to say anything. I wasn’t sure if I was hurt or pissed off at him. Honestly, my emotions seen blank and my mind in a rage. “Can you just tell him to fuck off for a fucking moment of you life?” My words came from my mouth, not sugar coated and very harsh. My accent hanging very heavily on my words. The only time my words held so much my of French past on words was when I felt like the world was against me, like everything was failing and everything was going so terribly wrong. Also, when I was beyond a point of anger and no return. Looking up at him, I just shook my head some. “He doesn’t own you so why does your world have to fucking revolve around him?You swear he is some sort of God to you. Its bullshit.” Maybe it wasn’t the time nor the place to decide to be a bitch and get what I thought off my chest but too bad. “You are right, you are very fucking stupid and you are still to blind to see it.”

My eyes burnt with tears in them, how the water drops wanted to find their freedom. They would have to wait. No one seen tears fall from my eyes and I sure and the hell wasn’t going to let Kovu see them. Call it pride. I called it showing weakness. Inhaling deeply I looked to the floor than back to him. “I am in so much shit right now because of you.” My voice cracked some and turned into a laugh at the end. Bitting on my lip some, I shook my head some. “Because like a dumb-ass I dropped everything to come see about you, feel special.” The statement was cocky and bitchy. The accent still there, fading in and out as I spoke. As much as I wanted to be nice, my mind wouldn’t let me. It needed to be said for my own peace of mind. There was a pounding in my head, from fighting back the tears and the hate towards myself. Rubbing over eyes for a quick second, I took a deep breath. I had to pull myself together. I had to be stronger and not let him effect me. The problem was, everything he did, well it affected me a great deal. The person I was, hated myself for letting that happen more than anyone could or should hate themself.

i can't always erase your memory

tagged; Kovu Xavier
notes; this my darling, is my mind <3 XD
inspiration; end of me- apocalyptica.

[Kovu "Archer" Xavier]

i missed your skin when you were east.

chewing on my lip as she exploded everything she felt inside out to me, I stared at the wall. Not saying anything, I knew I deserved it. I really did. I needed someone to tell me what I was doing that was wrong, but the thing was that I didn’t think Jagr was a god. The thing was that I didn’t want to get killed. He was that kind of guy that would fuck you up entirely. Id rather fuck myself up than let him do it. I want to be responsible for my death than him. Then again, if it was him that killed me it would be less of a disappointment to her. Maybe that would’ve been a smart thing to do. And I would actually be dead. Well, shit.

As I listened to her more, I noticed in the corner of my eye as she still exploded her emotions to me. I continued to chew on my lip. I looked over at her slightly, seeing her rub her eyes some and I knew she was super fucking upset. If it wasn’t the accent that occurred stronger, it was the way she acted so broken in front of me but not allowing herself to be that way. I looked over at her a little bit stronger and exhaled quietly. “Rouge… I do feel special.” Shutting my eyes, I angled my face back to the wall. “the girl I love dropped everything to see me.” my voice was quiet but it was there.

you clicked your heels and wished for me.

tagged; Rogue Kade
notes; --
inspiration; everything we had – the academy is.

[Rouge Kade]

take away your broken misery

[/size]

What he said, I wasn’t excepting to hear. Nothing close to it even. As soon as the words hit my ears, I froze. How was I to react? Looking at him, almost as if he was lying I just shook my head no. It was not real. I refused to believe it. My heart flattered happily some but did I want to believe it? I have no clue. “No no no no don’t say that.” I managed to say before taking a deep breath again. The tears were too heavy in my eyes to push completely back. Running my fingers under my eyes, I quickly wiping the tears that managed to get free. “You don’t mean that Kovu...” Shaking my head, I sat down in the chair in the room. It didn’t even feel real. For some reason it felt like a dream, a sort of fucked up dream but a dream none the less. Wiping my eyes with my eyes once more with the collar of my jacket I tried so hard to focus my thoughts. The girl that always had words for anything, well I was lost for them. “You can’t love me.” I said softly looking over at him. “You just can’t.” Maybe he could but I was in total shock and denial. Why so much denial? Cause I was just the girl no one would fall in love with or even care about. It was preached to me so often that I started believe it and live it. Possibly Kovu was the only person that meant those words, but yet I didn’t want him too. Even tho, through out all the lying to myself, I cared deeply about him, I was scared. Scared and weak and I didn’t want anyone to see.

i can't always erase your memory

tagged; Kovu Xavier
notes; ---
inspiration; end of me- apocalyptica.

[Kovu "Archer" Xavier]

I may be sad, but I’m not weak. this situation is bleak.

Listening to her, I raised an eyebrow before opening my eyes and looking over at her. I stayed silent until she was done speaking. In all honesty, this wasn’t the way that I wanted to tell her that I loved her. But I felt like it fit right now. I just shrugged slightly before clearing my throat. My brown gaze drifted over to her before I flipped my lip ring around a few times and shrugged. “There’s a lot of things that I shouldn’t do. But that’s one thing that I want to. Whether you like it or not.” I said softly, with a small soft smile sent her way. I reached up with my hand to rub my forehead where my hair had been making it itch, and flinched slightly with the IV in the back of my hand. “fuck this fucking machine, what the fuck.” I growled under my breath.

and your puffy eyes never lie, your tears come from inside.

tagged; Rogue Kade
notes; --
inspiration; I hate this song - secondhand serenade

[Rouge Kade]

take away your broken misery

[/size]

Nodding at his words, I gave him a small smile back. Staying quiet I had to let everything process. It was gonna take a moment. First I didn’t except to be coming see about him then I more less yelled at him and he just just turned around and said he loved me. Oh, how my night was going so as planned. Looking at him when he cursed at the iv, I laughed to myself. Tucking my hair behind my ears, standing up I walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. “You know cursing at it, won’t make it just magical disappear.” My voice had a jokingly tone to it. The mood had to change some. I was going to go insane if it stayed so depressing like, even though something good came out of it. “You gotta make me one promise and its no more coming here. I swear every time I see that its the hospital calling, I have a mini heart attack and I don’t think that’s good.” I said with a nod. Looking down at his stitches before looking back up at him.

i can't always erase your memory

tagged; Kovu Xavier
notes; ---
inspiration; end of me- apocalyptica.

[Kovu "Archer" Xavier]

I may be sad, but I’m not weak. this situation is bleak.

Biting down on my lower lip and flipping my lip ring from side to side, I offered her a gentle smile. Moving my hand slightly painfully to rest upon the top of hers, I gently grasped her hand with my brown eyes smiling up at her. “You gotta make me one promise and its no more coming here. I swear every time I see that it’s the hospital calling, I have a mini heart attack and I don’t think that’s good.” Smiling up at her, I just nodded. “Well, I’m here until I can find some place to stay.” I said softly with a small shrug and looking down, listening to my heartbeat.

and your puffy eyes never lie, your tears come from inside..

tagged; Rogue Kade
notes; --
inspiration; I hate this song - secondhand serenade

[Rouge Kade]

take away your broken misery

[/size]

Watching him, I just nodded to as I listened to him talk. "You can come stay with me." Hearing my own words shocked me some. A part of me questioned if I really wanted to say that, but I did. I much rather him be in the same house as me than somewhere else doing something stupid. "I mean, no one comes over and its not like I'm there often with business. So it'll be like having your own place." I gave him a small smile before tucking a piece of my hair behind my ears.

i can't always erase your memory

tagged; Kovu Xavier
notes; ---
inspiration; end of me- apocalyptica.