&&_become the holy one ,

[Chess Lincoln]

------------------------------
I NEVER MEANT TO BE THE ONE,
WHO KEPT YOU FROM THE DARK

It had been too long, so it seemed, since I was at this club. My usual stomping grounds resided of the beach with bonfires with Isaac, the tattoo shop, school, home, or the bar. Never did I seem to venture into the club. Why? Because there were way too many people, guys to be honest, that always wanted to get at me. I’d be honest with them though; instantly telling them that they aren’t my type, if they aren’t. if they were, there was a slight chance I’d probably be going home with them that night. It wasn’t exactly a fantastic habit, but it wasn’t the worst one I’ve done yet. For the longest time, it seemed, I had been into the whole drinking, drugs, sleeping thing. Id constantly go and find something to keep my mind off of things.

The one major thing that I enjoyed doing was getting high, drunk, and fucking around with people. I guess you could say I turned into quite the bitch when everyone left. I was left alone here, by myself, when Gage, Ashton, and Alex all left. Yep, nothing was left for me. So I had to make myself still feel wanted. I always managed to feel alone, though. I never really got any good friendships going since then. The longest relationships I had came from the past. That was it, and that was how it would be. My reputation currently was quite possibly a whore? I wasn’t sure. People didn’t like to fuck with me.

Today my day resided of waking up, working at the shop, and taking the rest of the night to the club. I felt fantastic, surprisingly. Not tired at all. I managed to strut straight into the club and past the moving bodies. Easily getting a ton of glares from these girls because of my tattoos. I swore to god, people just didn’t give up when it came to self modification. There wasn’t anything wrong with it. It was my own self expression. It seemed the only person to realize this was Isaac Clarke. My friend from way back. Not quite as far as Gage.. but far back. Almost as soon as my memory went back to Gage, I shifted focus onto Isaac.

This guy that I had just met up with again. He managed to keep my mind away from everything, especially Gage. I couldn’t ask for more, could i? I wasn’t sure. I just knew that my mind was more focused on him lately, especially between the friendship tattoo I had of him. The Geisha head on my ribs below my breasts. Yup, that was his. I still had Gage’s tattoo on my back. I managed to add bats to the heart beat so it didn’t seem as bad to have it as a tattoo.. considering I still cared for him. Yep, I still did.

Back to reality, I strutted straight back to the bar picking up this Vodka I had ordered, and managed to take a few swigs before chatting with some guys. Their attentions turned and wanting to dance, I allowed them to go. I didn’t dance with them though. I had more things on my mind. I did, however, manage to try and make my way through the crowd. It was difficult, with the bodies rubbing up against me every which way. I allowed my eyes to scan the crowd the deeper into it I got. Then I tried to figure out why I wouldn’t dance? So in the middle of the crowd, I began to dance with a bunch of random guys. I didn’t care. I didn’t have anyone to tell me otherwise. I was actually working on enjoying myself.

------------------------------
BUT NOW I KNOW MY WOUNDS ARE SEWN,
BECAUSE OF WHO YOU ARE.

outfit; here.
tagged; gage lawrence
notes; I have too much excitement for this..
translation; --
inspiration; saviour – black veil brides.

[Gage Lawrence]

www.petewentzonline.org/gallery/albums/userpics/10001/apeteall-16.jpg

[/IMG]

I'm holding onto a fairytale

[/i]
____________________________________[/center]

The word on the street was true, I was back in Outlier. But I was starting to question if anyone really cared anymore. Or perhaps, if anyone really cared in the first place. If anyone really cared when I left originally, and when I came back. Then if anyone cared when I left most recently, and when I returned now. Then again, I didn't care if anyone did or didn't. Or maybe I did care, and that's why here I sit, alone in my car, confusing myself and playing games in my head, my only opponent being, me. It's wonders, what drugs do to the mind. Wonders. I suppose the only reason I had assumed the worst was the recap of my life in Outlier playing over and over again. Whether awake or asleep, I couldn't evade my own thoughts. It had all begun with Alex and Chess, and the incident that insisted on haunting me. The fact that she had chose him over me, but we crawled over that hill already, didn't we? One would think. If I had had it so bad here, bad enough to leave, why did I continue to return? I really wasn't sure of the answer to anything anymore, I had simply fell victim to my own depressive thoughts, and I let them consume me alive without refute.

Obviously, and I would state it bluntly, Chess had something to do with my return. She would probably have something to do with just about anything I did. However, was it possible to love someone too much? Was it possible to love so incredibly strongly, that you reach a breaking point? Because I felt like this had happened to me. And it was the most bizarre feeling in the world. It was nothing like the high I got from the multiple drugs I experimented with, though sometimes they overtook this bizarre feeling, when it became too much to bare. At least for a little while, just long enough for me to have a break, until I felt it again. But it was more bizarre that this feeling did not have a name. It was not heartbreak, I knew what that had felt like, though never from Chess. I had felt heartbreak from Ashlee, and honestly, it was nothing. What I experience when I think of Chess and our times together, it is beyond heartbreak. And yet, I don't know if it really hurts or not. I suppose that was my best shot at letting someone into my mind for a moment, and if that hadn't scared them away, I don't know what level of derangement would. I was lost, and I was confused. I was beyond those, actually, but my vocabulary isn't the broadest thing in the world. So what happens when I'm lost, confused, tortured, broken? Of course the logic in my mind was to push the source away. Chess was the source, right? It only made sense to push her away, at least to me. So why did I return, to the very place she resided? Apparently I discovered satisfaction in tormenting myself.

After what had seemed like hours devoted to my pointless thoughts, I gained a grip on reality, and found myself staring blankly at the steering wheel. I had obtained an ultimate high for the night, and supposedly decided to hit the club. I was never one to be seen at clubs very often. Normally, it was just my house, or house parties, but never really out. Though, it was my first night back, and where better to reconcile old acquaintances than, out? My broad chest grew larger and quickly deflated as I heaved a huge sigh, flipping the driver's mirror down and taking a peek at my bloodshot eyes. "Fuck it." I muttered, tatted fingers rubbing my baby blues relentlessly. Without opening them, I fidgeted violently for the door handle, grasping it and flinging the door open just enough to stumble from the vehicle. I slammed the door behind me without bothering to lock it.

After minutes of pushing through crowds, and getting into the club, which I really couldn't even remember doing, I found myself surrounded by people swaying and dancing to the beat. I had actually found a few people here and there, well, they found me, and shook hands with them and whatnot. There names were ones that were buried in my memory forever, and I could never gather enough care in the world to remember them. Girls approached me as well, begging to know where I've been the last few months, and why I hadn't texted them. Naturally, I promised I would, but their numbers had long since been forgotten. Before I knew it, I had a few drinks in my, and my inked arm around some girl's waist. We began to dance and touch, her hips swaying rhythmically to the beat, and I wondered if I would already have a girl to take home the first night. It was horrid how I had begun to morph back into the old Gage, if not worse, and I knew it, at times. But I couldn't get myself to care, though there were times I wish I did.

____________________________________

we're moving forward but we're not there yet

status: complete
tagged: chess lincoln
lyrics: homesick by a day to remember
notes: hehe, me too(:
[/size]
[/blockquote][/blockquote]

[Chess Lincoln]

------------------------------
I NEVER MEANT TO BE THE ONE,
WHO KEPT YOU FROM THE DARK

Dancing with the guys actually felt really normal to me. I enjoyed the spinning and bodies pushed together close to feel almost everything. I was a strange person though, I wouldn’t complain. I caught some guys’ gazes and just smiled back to them. The dancing lead me to around the side of the crowd, closer toward the door. I took a deep breath of the fresh air as the wind passed through the wide open space and over us. I had to have had at least ten different guys I danced with; all hoping for one thing. Though, my mind didn’t even run over that thought.

I easily just slipped out of the crowd, some guys following me as I went to return the glass and get some shots. After a few moments of body shots, my buzzed mind was working wonders in keeping me entertained. I found entertainment in watching the guys play fight. Just some testosterone thing going on. But I couldn’t help but to smile and laugh. I raised my eye brow slightly and looked at one of the guys who’s gaze were adverted towards the doors. Easily, I found the face above the crowd. The face I hoped never to see again. Well, here he was. So much for that idea.

Just then, I began to feel a bit feverish. I needed to leave. I bit down on my lower lip, the guys noticing my difference. I shrugged them off, letting them know I had to go but that they could text or call me later if they so pleased. Then, I began to scan the whole entire freakin club trying to find a way out that made it so I didn’t have to walk by him. I was content now, but here he was. It worried me in the sense that things weren’t right between us.. and that the guy that I whole heartedly loved, but loved to detest that, would hate me forever. Finally, a break in the crowd were there, but fuck, it was right by him still.

Figuring I’d take my chances, I took one last shot and smiled to the guy who paid for me, then proceeded to leave the club. Almost half way through, the little section that had been clear began to close in, and here I was being pressed to the side Gage was. I secretly rolled my eyes, unamused at the turn of events, and trudged through; even having to slide my body right by his. I tried hard not to look at him; but my bright green-blue eyes flashed a look upon his face that made my heart pound with an unnecessary amount. It was then, that the crowd parted once more and I rushed out the door into the parking lot. Leaning against some random pole with my face toward the sky.

“Sinä kusipää. et vain voi anna minun olla onnellinen, vai mitä? Kiitos paljon, ei ihme, en vittu usko sinua.” My Finnish words purred from my throat as I just dropped my head; growling at God in what seemed like an unknown language.. which it was just repetition of the Finn language I had spoken out loud and up toward the sky.

------------------------------
BUT NOW I KNOW MY WOUNDS ARE SEWN,
BECAUSE OF WHO YOU ARE.

outfit; here.
tagged; gage lawrence
notes; --
translation; sinä kusipää. et vain voi anna minun olla onnellinen, vai mitä? Kiitos paljon, ei ihme, en vittu usko sinua – you fucker. You just can’t let me be happy, can you? Thanks a lot, no wonder i don’t fucking believe in you.
inspiration; saviour – black veil brides.

[Gage Lawrence]

www.petewentzonline.org/gallery/albums/userpics/10001/apeteall-16.jpg

[/IMG]

I'm holding onto a fairytale

[/i]
____________________________________[/center]

The girl continued to dance and move her body against me, while my glazed eyes searched the crowd and never really even looked at her. But I let my hands find her hips, and other areas they pleased to find, while no objections were made. My lips eventually found her neck and her own lipstick-covered lips, deciding I'd get the most out of the trash in front of me. The music and the lights seemed to be more intense then ever in my drugged stupor, but everything else was so slow. It was like I could see each and every person rush past, clear as day. People began to spread around me, as if someone was pushing through. I felt someone brush up against me, obviously a female's body. I tore my lips away from the girl in front of me, wrapping my arm around whoever it was behind me. "Hey babe.." I stammered, turning to face the girl. My jaw nearly dropped as I attempted to finish my words, noticing Chess's slender figure moving away as quick as she'd come.

My hands dropped from the girl in front of me to hang low at my side. I spent what seemed like an eternity simply looking around, gawking. I lifted a hand to my head, pulling off my hat to rub my hair as I sighed, a typical sign of male frustration. I place the cap back on my head, rubbing my face before my hand fell atop the girl's, pushing her off me lightly. "Hey I gotta go.." I said simply, turning away but her arms were still wrapped around my waist as she whined some bullshit. "Hey bitch, I said I have to go, get the fuck off me." My words were harsh, and really loud but I wasn't trying to waste time here. I locked eyes with several other guys that were standing around and had heard the simple rudeness I had offered to this now retreating girl, glaring as if I dared them to say shit about it. Sometimes, if not all the time, I was a bit to cocky for my own good, but what;s new with men nowadays?

With one last sigh, I managed to stumble out the exit and into the parking lot. Why was I even following her? Honestly, I wasn't trying to start shit, and I wasn't even trying to tell her how much I missed her or anything like that bullshit. I wanted her to know that we could both coexist here, without her night having to be ruined. Maybe that, she could simply move on and forget about me. I'm not so sure what my intentions were, but all I knew is that my instincts were driving me after her, so I listened.

My foggy blue eyes felt like they were about to fall out of my head as I scanned the parking lot furiously, finally finding Chess leaned up against a pole with her eyes locked on the stars above. I shoved both hands in my front pockets and slowly made my way toward her, leaning against a parallel pole not too far away. "Hey.." I spoke softly, and it was all I could offer at the time.

____________________________________

we're moving forward but we're not there yet

status: complete
tagged: chess lincoln
lyrics: homesick by a day to remember
notes: ---
[/size]
[/blockquote][/blockquote]

[Chess Lincoln]

------------------------------
I NEVER MEANT TO BE THE ONE,
WHO KEPT YOU FROM THE DARK

I really wasn’t sure why I didn’t just up and leave. Nope, I’d sit here and chill out in the parking lot up against the pole in a buzzed stupor that I didn’t particularly feel well being in. I took a deep breath before some movement caught my gaze. I refused to look at it until it got closer. I bit down on my lower lip, flipping my other lip ring side to side. I was confused, a slight amount bothered, and kind of frustrated. I rubbed my temple lightly before I heard these words hit my ears in a voice that I forgot how much I fell in love with. “Hey.” That was all he could say? It wasn’t much.. but I still loved the sound of his voice. No matter what tone it was in.

I took a deep breath and looked down from the sky and across to him. I allowed my bright gaze to watch him and study him for a few moments before I straightened up on the pole and took a few steps so that the ground and distance between us was smaller and easier to talk in. I folded my arms across my chest; looking away from him. The more I looked at him, the more I longed to have him close. I took a deep breath, prepared to say something then changed my mind. All of a sudden it was hot out here. So, I turned on my heel and my back was to him. I slid off the leather vest and tossed it onto the top of a car. Gage’s tattoo visible across my shoulder blades, like a brand on a cow. Vibrant and noticeable. There’d be no way you could miss it.

I shook my head slightly before turning back to face him. My bright eyes found his face again before I looked down. I couldn’t keep looking at him. I folded my arms closer around my chest and lowered my head. “I.. don’t even know what to say..” I said softly. “why are you here, Gage?” I asked quietly. My Finnish accent coating my heart wrenching words with sugar from the poison that they were. I don’t know why I had the feeling that he was here just to hate on me. It might have had something to do with the whole, being with a ton of guys, being with Alex. Alex used to do that to me a lot. So why did I think that Gage would do it too?

------------------------------
BUT NOW I KNOW MY WOUNDS ARE SEWN,
BECAUSE OF WHO YOU ARE.

outfit; here.
tagged; gage lawrence
notes; <3
translation; --
inspiration; saviour – black veil brides.

[Gage Lawrence]

www.petewentzonline.org/gallery/albums/userpics/10001/apeteall-16.jpg

[/IMG]

I'm holding onto a fairytale

[/i]
____________________________________[/center]

I watched as she frustratingly rubbed her temple and shifted positions to show me her back. I glance at the tattoo of my first and middle name on her back, but tore my gaze from it and stared at the ground. I wasn't going to sit there and stare at her back and receive the silent treatment. My Vans shuffled around on the tar as I waited for her to speak, her brilliant Finnish accent soon filling the silence that enveloped us. Again I scratched the back of my head in frustration as she spoke of not knowing what to say, and I was about to let her know that I wasn't here for a chase, but she soon spoke again.

It was quiet again, for a minute or two longer for I had no idea how to respond. I sighed, bringing my hand to my mouth and let it linger there as I stared her down with my baby blues. Finally, my hand lifted, waving slightly int he air as I shrugged. "I don't know, Madison." I called her by her first name like I always had. It made me feel closer to her because no one else called her that, or even knew of that name, or why she didnt like to be called that, even though I knew she detested it. I looked to the ground again as the words left my mouth, sounding more defeated than ever before. "I don't fucking know." I rose from my position of leaning against the pole, shoving my hands in my pockets once more and walking a small bit away. I felt like just telling her to have a good night, and head home. But I also felt like I couldn't just leave this "unfinished business." But I took a few more steps away from her, feeling completely useless and in the least bit, wanted.

____________________________________

we're moving forward but we're not there yet

status: complete
tagged: chess lincoln
lyrics: homesick by a day to remember
notes: ---
[/size]
[/blockquote][/blockquote]

[Chess Lincoln]

------------------------------
I NEVER MEANT TO BE THE ONE,
WHO KEPT YOU FROM THE DARK

The way he spoke my real name, made me bite down a little harder on my lip. My eyes scanned over him before he began to speak. I wasn’t sure what I was thinking. All I knew was that Gage was here. And I couldn’t keep pretending to myself that Id lost my feelings for Gage. Lord knows I hadn’t. Nor could I ever see myself doing it. Yeah, he frustrated me a lot, hurt me sometimes; did it matter? No, because id always love him. No matter what. I ran a hand through my hair and looked away from him before I allowed his words to finally process in my head. “I don’t fucking know.” I heaved a small sigh before his movement caught my eye.

As he began to walk away from me, I felt a piece of myself slipping away as well. I took a deep breath and wondered to myself, what I was doing, but I followed him. I jogged up to catch up to him and lightly rest my hand on his arm that had his hand placed in his pocket, and pulled on it slightly to get him to turn around. “Gage, wait.. I didn’t mean it like that..” I said softly, feeling defeated in a way. I couldn’t keep this stronghold up. The buzzed mind of mine was driving me crazy with confusion. As well as the drugs in my system. I had completely forgotten what it was that i had taken, but it fucked up my feelings. I was back and forth; confused as hell. I knew one thing for sure, though. Gage was here, and he wasn’t going to leave without me going with him.

------------------------------
BUT NOW I KNOW MY WOUNDS ARE SEWN,
BECAUSE OF WHO YOU ARE.

outfit; here.
tagged; gage lawrence
notes; --
translation; --
inspiration; saviour – black veil brides.

[Gage Lawrence]

www.petewentzonline.org/gallery/albums/userpics/10001/apeteall-16.jpg

[/IMG]

I'm holding onto a fairytale

[/i]
____________________________________[/center]

I was still standing, now facing away from her and a bit distanced, staring off into the city. Moments passed before a felt her tender grip on my arm, but demanding enough for my attention. I turned around slightly, a little irritated at the way it seemed like she was playing these games. She didn't mean it like that? Well, it sounded a little harsh. I simply grinned, but it was more of one of those aggravated grins, and I let my other hand fall on hers, taking her hand away from my arm much like that random girl back in the club. I laughed slightly, a forced, fake, annoyed laugh. "No, I know what you meant." I took a few steps back, stumbling away from her. I let myself stare at her for awhile, lifting my hand to my clenched jaw once more. "Just.." I sighed, backing up once more and removing my hand from my mouth to let it swat at the air as I turned and finished my sentence. "Enjoy your night, Mads." My words were a little bitter, and I refused to call her anything but her real name, at least tonight. I turned, my hands in my pockets once more and fumbling for my keys, staggering quickly to my Tahoe.

____________________________________

we're moving forward but we're not there yet

status: complete
tagged: chess lincoln
lyrics: homesick by a day to remember
notes: dayum son.
[/size]
[/blockquote][/blockquote]

[Chess Lincoln]

------------------------------
I NEVER MEANT TO BE THE ONE,
WHO KEPT YOU FROM THE DARK

He seemed not himself tonight. Which I could tell from the red eyes of his that he was influenced. Then again, I was too. But I couldn’t think of everything entirely to the point that I should have strived for. He moved my hand and it seemed like he tore a part of me as well as our touch dispersed. I looked down for a moment. His next words just struck my gaze once more. I watched him as he went to turn; visibly annoyed. “things haven’t been right.” I had little time to mutter before he began to leave. I took one step, not any more, with some pain and frustration visible in my eyes. “Gage, please don’t go. Don’t leave me again.” I shouted after him. I didn’t even keep my gaze on him long enough to see what he was going to do. I quickly turned my head away from him, biting down on my lower lip and trying to keep the tears from burning my eyes. I couldn’t sit here and watch him leave and walk away from me again.

------------------------------
BUT NOW I KNOW MY WOUNDS ARE SEWN,
BECAUSE OF WHO YOU ARE.

outfit; here.
tagged; gage lawrence
notes; poor chess D:
translation; --
inspiration; saviour – black veil brides.

[Gage Lawrence]

www.petewentzonline.org/gallery/albums/userpics/10001/apeteall-16.jpg

[/IMG]

I'm holding onto a fairytale

[/i]
____________________________________[/center]

I continued to walk, and what was worse, was that I knew how much it hurt her for me to do so. I caught her first words though, and all I could mutter was, "No shit." I kept shuffling along, barely hearing her last words before I reached my car. I turned to face her, speaking loud enough for her to hear. "I did twice already, right, Mads?" I threw my hands up at my sides before letting them fall again. "I think you'll be okay." They were a bit sarcastic, and full of spite. She was bright, I'm sure she'd catch onto the fact that I meant she'd find some other boy to make her happy. Someone like Alex, who she probably already had waiting somewhere for her. The hell if I knew. I climb in, slamming my door and revving the engine. And with that, I peeled out of the parking lot, refusing to glance in my rearview mirror.

____________________________________

we're moving forward but we're not there yet

status: complete
tagged: chess lincoln
lyrics: homesick by a day to remember
notes: what a dick.
[/size]
[/blockquote][/blockquote]

[Chess Lincoln]

------------------------------
I NEVER MEANT TO BE THE ONE,
WHO KEPT YOU FROM THE DARK

Watching him up and leave, just made my heart wrench even more. His words didn’t make anything better for me. It was all terrible and painful in itself. I bit down on my lower lip and turned, grabbing my vest and leaving. Some guys I guess had watched the scene go down, and watched after me curiously. My back stayed turned to them, and I just went ahead and turned and walked away. Straight back home, the night ruined. My mood for the next week would be too.

------------------------------
BUT NOW I KNOW MY WOUNDS ARE SEWN,
BECAUSE OF WHO YOU ARE.

outfit; here.
tagged; gage lawrence
notes; THIS THREAD IS DONEEE >D
translation; --
inspiration; saviour – black veil brides.