` baby girl, i'm a blur

[caine davin seymour]

Caine watched as she got up and paced, he had the urge also but decided against it for the time being. Despite the fact that the decision had been made he was still pondering it, as if he was thinking of some other option or a Plan B to look like Plan A had in fact worked. His worst fear was a drug overdose and death, he had in fact overdosed before and it had taken time to recover physically and even more mentally and emotionally. The affects on his family were still felt as they just pushed harder for him to stop, it was like he was voluntarily walking down the sidewalk that lead to suicide and death and not even fighting it. Somebody was pushing him and he went along with it instead of fighting. For the most part Caine had just given up and gone with it, over all he gave up on life most days. Mika had helped him live life and even though he had the heavy anchor of drugs and needles behind him, he actually felt bad about what he was doing even if he didn't stop. When she left he gave up all over again and let it take over him. The only way to describe it, that he could think of in layman's terms, was if some entity had taken over him and he couldn't push it out. She paced and moved around the room, maybe she had gotten tired of sitting or she just didn't want to be near him. He didn't blame her, his sister would get mad at him for no reason just by being next to him just because of what he was, who he was and how he wasn't changing and pretty much on the path to death all the time.

She saw where he was coming from on this. They had tried the 'just stay friends and pretend we never slept together' but that hadn't worked because all these doors opened like flood gates and all of a sudden Mika went from his best friend to a girl he had slept with, and he was a boy so nature likes to take it's course. They both weren't very communicative people for when it counted. Caine hadn't mustered up the courage to tell her exactly how he felt before she left him and he knew she never told him everything that was on her mind. Maybe things would have been different if they had been more open with each other, who knew? Dwelling in the past was a favorite past time of his and this was no exception, finding out the different outcomes, the what-ifs and scrutinizing every little detail. It was exhausting really, and he'd spent a lot of time scrutinizing his role in their relationship, and he'd come to the conclusion that he was this loser drug addict that couldn't get his shit together, not for anybody. When you look at some stable structure or something that looks strong and well put together, it takes only the minimum force to break it to show how fragile it really was and that is what happened to them. Pieces shattered everywhere and they were never properly put back together. Whether they liked it or not they were a big part of each other's lives and for the first time he found himself wondering if there was really any chance left for them, or the energy even. What if the Caine didn't have the energy to quit and change, or what if she didn't have the patience and met somebody else.

Caine clenched his jaw habitually, a stress response and anxiety. Let nature take it's course, and he hoped Mother Nature approved of them together or this was all jut a big waste of time and energy and doing more harm than good. She got her thoughts out and Caine held his head in his hands, elbows on his knees, listening in general but, he found himself tired and trying to focus more than usual. It was a roll of the dice, and she knew it just as well as he did if not more. This was the fork in the road and he felt all this pressure from it, of course he wanted to be happy and for them to be happy. But, sometimes the damager was irreversible and even if he got clean and she waited for him, then what? Caine never forgot the past events that he incurred with somebody, he didn't let go and didn't forget. He would always remember that she left him and what if he regretted getting clean, he would blame her and ruin everything like always did. The thought made him anxious and he tried his best to focus on that moment instead. His head shook side to side, of course he wasn't happy. Was he ever happy? It certainly had been a very long time. I'm doing this for you, because I miss you, I miss my best friend. I don't have anybody else. At least outside his siblings, but that was an automatic thing that he didn't even really count it. Caine always figured he would know if he hit the very very bottom if he lost his family, and with that he didn't know what he would do. Thankfully, they still badgered him and they still cared. Otherwise, he didn't have any other significant connections.

Caine looked up suddenly, she what? He what? Clearly, that got his attention and he hoped to God she wasn't joking because that was a bit cruel. His chest felt funny for a second, she almost died and where was he? Sulking and getting high. This horrible feeling swept over him, if Caine had been there he would have defended her, he would have killed him or something. Without really thinking about it he stood up and looked at her, Jesus Mika, you almost died and you waited this long to tell me? He was a little upset and scared, but happy that she was okay because she was standing right there in front of him. If that was a test, he better have fucking passed because she certainly got a response out of him. The fact was still in the process of sinking in, what if she had died? Caine would have never been able to live with himself and probably would have killed himself very quickly with some kind of escalating drug use. Why didn't she call him? Everything would have been forgotten and he would have found his way there. So this is what it felt like, knowing somebody you loved escaped death nearly. No wonder Cass and Christian would get so angry at him and Caleb barely speaking to him, he'd almost died himself but he had been on the other perspective. Caine rubbed his eyes and turned to look at the window for a moment, the weather was changing fast. With a sigh he turned around and walked a little closer to her, he didn't want to sound upset or angry with her, death was not something to overreact about if it didn't happen.

For most people a near death experience opens up your eyes and changes you somehow. For Caine it had for a while until he go a harsh taste of reality in the face like a bucket of cold water, after that he went back to his old ways much to the disappointment of his brothers and sister, but that was life. Shit happened. Caine had his arms crossed, mostly because it was more comfortable for his sore and aching upper body, and he looked down for a second, it was hard to look at her for too long as if she wasn't really there. And he wasn't a big fan of hallucinations, so that wouldn't have been cool. But, when he did finally look back up he saw her eyes watering, the tears were starting and he felt worse for making her cry. Nobody else was in the room so it had to be his fault and this current conversation was about him so it was his fault, all his fault. Her words were sad and piercing at the same time, she was right. The expression on his face slowly went to sad and even ashamed, he was killing himself and he might as well have admitted he was suicidal and that wouldn't have been as bad. This was knowingly putting lethal products in your body, and at the point that he was at it was more because he had to instead of for fun anymore. He felt like he was a kid again, five years old and feeling bad over spilling something in the kitchen and his mother cleaning it up, the difference was that she told him it was okay, everything was fine. It wasn't the same.

He closed his eyes and sat back down on the couch. She couldn't have picked a better time to ambush him, while he was dope sick and vulnerable, what would be the difference if she saw him more functional. With his fixes and drugs and not looking so despondent and dead. This had come full circle over the year though they had grown up a little bit and things had happened, it was the same things. Mika telling him he needed to stop and him just sitting there like a lump. This would probably be a very bad time to tell her that he'd overdosed before, twice and lived. Though he didn't have nine lives, he only had one and you can't escape death so many times without finally failing. And as much as he wanted to tell her he wouldn't overdose, he knew he couldn't promise her that, hell, he couldn't even convince himself. How do you be honest with someone if you couldn't even be honest with yourself first, Caine had a hard time not lying to himself all the time. Convincing himself that he needed another fix and if he didn't he'd be horribly sick and that it was okay and he knew what the hell he was doing. The truth was that he didn't know what he was doing, it was reckless and pointing a revolver to his head would have been less dangerous. This was a certified death sentence and he thought he'd come to terms with it over the past decade, in a way he had because everybody dies eventually and before nobody had give him a reason to live.

I know. There had a been a few scares where he'd thought he was OD'ing, but luckily he hadn't. Something kept him alive and he remembered the sinking feeling he felt all over and wondering if his life would flash before his eyes. Caine couldn't tell her he'd almost died before twice and never learned his lesson, she would never give a chance after that because things were never that easy for them, not for him certainly. At this point he didn't know what to say, there was a lot going through his head that he didn't want to say and that was the problem. In due time more facts would come out and when he was ready to talk about them. About more of his childhood, his mother's suicide, his emerging drug use and overdoses. It wasn't good that it took something like this for Caine to really reflect on his life and realize how sad and empty it really was. Caine leaned forward and rubbed his eyes again, they were tired and dull and looked as if he was completely unfocused. It was a wonder he was making it half his classes, or even that. There was no hope for school right now, his body was rebelling and the cravings were strong and pulling hard at him, that was what he couldn't handle. It was like being turned inside out mentally, it was exhausting. Caine looked up through the windows where the clouds had taken over the sky and blocked the sun, there was a light drizzle which would turn into pouring rain soon enough. At least nature was matching his mood and then some.

Caine looked back at Mika who sat on the edge of the couch. To answer he question he nodded his head, his mood wasn't up for anything other than staring at the wall and being depressed. Even functional addicts could laugh and have fun, not Caine. Right now he was in a hole and somebody was handing him a rope to help him get out and he didn't know if he had the energy to grab it. It's raining. he commented on the weather. So he'd get clean and she'd give him a chance. That was the deal, right? Now what?

[/color][/size][/justify][/blockquote][/blockquote]

---

ugh, my muse has been off lately :x

[autumn mika longley]

IF SHE EVER TRIES TO FUCKING LEAVE AGAIN I'MMA TIE HER TO THE BED
( AND SET THIS HOUSE ON FIRE )

Everything that was said, everything that had just happened led Mika to remain somewhat speechless. She had told him things she should have told him months ago, and opened up about things that probably should have been said from the start of their relationship. That should have come up before they parted was. Mika was in a foreign territory, never demanding something like this of another person before. Who was she to tell someone they could or could not do something? The thought of being able to command someone like that gave Mika a sick sense of importance. If he was willing to do something like this for her then she must mean something to him. Nothing was ever as one sided as it seemed, two sides for every story. Mika was finding that to be more and more apparent as her life progressed.

The topic of Mika's near death experience was still sensitive to her. She just now openly admitted to what had happened to her, an her mind was still racing with the thoughts that she, indeed cheated death. When he reacted to what she had said Mika covered her mouth with her hand, watching him as he reacted the way she expected him to. What was she suppose to say to that? Why didn't she call him? Mainly because she couldn't, but it took Mika a while to get her cellphone back. Even when she did get it back it had been so long since she had talked to him. She got the few text messages he had sent her but they were months old that she didn't think responding to them would do any good. "I .. I don't know. I wanted to call you I really did," she started trying to explain her lack of keeping him informed on what was happening with her when he had tried to get in touch. "But for a while I couldn't, given my condition. Then I when I managed to get my phone back it had been almost seven months since I had talked to you. I thought it would do much more harm than good to call you out of the blue and say 'Oh hey love, I almost died, how are you?'" she said, hoping her line of thinking was at lest somewhat acceptable. She definitely could have at lest picked a better time to tell him.

When they both returned to sitting on the sofa Mika didn't move from the arm rest for a little while. At Least Caine was able to accept the things that he was doing wrong and knew why everyone who really cared about him did and said the things they did. She hoped that he understood why she said the things she did to him. They weren't meant to hurt him (though Mika has been known to have a silver tongue from time to time), they were just the truth. trying to help, trying to get him on a better path. Mika was just scared that they would reach the finish line and he wouldn't be satisfied. If she made him go through all that for no reason and he didn't want to be with her it would be awful. He would hate her, despise her even for the things that she put him through for happiness, or at lest what she thought was happiness. He wanted this to, she know he did and not just because he admitted it but because she knew that there was something still there. Something worth fighting for, worth walking through hell for. Mika would do anything for him, she just hoped he would do the same for her. Still, the thought failure still scared her. What if he couldn't do it? What would Mika do then, leave again? To be honest, she didn't really know. Maybe she would stick around to get him to try again, depending on what had happened. Just as long as there was hope she would stick around. Right now, for once, she actually had plenty of it.

Even though the decision was made without a verbal confirmation, they both knew what the deal was. No words needed to be exchanged on the matter because plenty were already. The two sat in silence for a while, Mika finally sliding back down onto the cough as she got as lost in her own thoughts as much as he did. She always told herself that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Like Hitler entering Russia like Napoleon did, the same mistake that basically coast him the war. Mika's eyes finally drifted back to Caine as she started to slowly come back out of the thought, the rain outside starting to come down and getting slowly harder and harder. But for the moment it was light, Mika enjoying the welcome change in weather. The Rain was very soothing to her, for whatever reason. She only hoped that it would start thundering soon. As Mika sat on an all too familiar Sofa she couldn't help but wonder : wasn't it raining the first night they hooked up? Mika found it kind of Ironic. But the thought didn't last in her mind long, Caine having spoke again and pulling her out of the thought. She smiled. "It seems to be raining all the time lately," Mika said, shrugging slightly. As much as she loved the rain at times it was depressing. Even if it wasn't really raining outside it still felt like that in Mika's mind. Lazy, unmotivated, uncaring and alone.

Mika's eyes drifted from Caine to the window as the rain started to pick up a bit. She put her hands next to each side of her, clearing her throat as another silence came across them. She moved closer to Caine, close enough so that their legs were touching. He looked awful, she felt bad for keeping him away from whatever it is that could help him feel better. Aside from the drugs, that she wasn't really for. But sleep or relaxing - or even her not being there might have helped. "Is there anything I can do to help?" she asked, looking at him. "I mean I don't have much to offer but I can at lest let you sleep for a little while," she murmured, not really wanting to leave. But she felt like they both had a lot to talk about, a lot to think about. She bit her bottom lip, wondering if he was going to send her away or not, or ask something else of her. Either way Mika would obey, it was the lest she could do.

JUST GONNA STAND THERE AND WATCH ME BURN,
BUT THAT'S ALRIGHT BECAUSE I LIKE THE WAY IT HURTS.
JUST GONNA STAND THERE AND HERE ME CRY, BUT THATS
ALRIGHT BECAUSE I LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE, I LOVE THE
WAY YOU LIE.

_________________________

`status; no worries! that post was wonderful as always ;D
` lyrics; love the way you lie - Eminem

[caine davin seymour]

She had a point, it would have been awkward to just make contact out of the blue and he wasn't sure what he would have felt after that. Messages aren't meant to be responded after seven months, more like much sooner than that so he let it slide despite the fact that he wasn't happy with it at all. If she had died or something had happened he would have just been worse and it would have hurt immensely. The last time he had felt somebody ripped away from him like that was when his mother died when he was about seven, after Cassie was born. It was his father's fault, she killed herself and he was unfortunate enough to remember her and miss her all the time eighteen years later. The only equivalent situation that he could imagine would be if he told her right this second that he'd almost died before of a drug overdose, not exactly great tact and it would have not have helped the situation at hand at all. Caine stayed quiet, he really didn't have a lot to say at the moment, it was difficult to pick and choose your words when he once was so open with them. They had this fragile agreement and plan that was supposed to work and he had his major doubts about it, it wasn't like when you took uppers and had that grandiose pride and courage for the world, he was the exact opposite, this whole time he was wondering, 'what if he couldn't do it?'. What if he failed? What then? He sunk in an even lower depression because he couldn't get his act together for anybody that he loved.

If he knew somebody that was just like him he'd probably put some pressure on them also, so he couldn't blame them but he did because they pushed hard and he was known to push back even harder than that. The only thing he didn't fight against was the drugs because they just took over like some infection that spread from one person to the next without warning. He at least had to try, so that when he did fail he could say that he tried and that would be that. Some wold say he was stupid and dumb for doing all this for just one girl, there were plenty of girls in his life and at least one which he had some kind of emotional and physical connection to. Why was she any different? Caine had pondered that from time to time, but it was the one thing he had never over analyzed. Sure she was his best friend and he loved her, but what was different? He couldn't pinpoint it, she just was and he didn't want to explain himself to anybody, if they didn't like it then they didn't have to be there. Plenty of people had just dumped him from their lives and she was one that came back and he liked that because it was a bit of a first for him. A second chance from somebody that wasn't family and actually cared beyond anything superficial. There were plenty of times he had been taken advantage of for his family money, Mika didn't care and he liked that because money was just money. Clearly it didn't buy Caine any actual substantial happiness.

Yea, it is. he agreed. Mother nature was sad in some way and he could relate to the shades of grey that his world always seemed to be. There wasn't any color or any bright emotion, nothing that stood out but when it did, it would shine. Just like many things could happen late at night, or in the dark, many things could happen in the rain. And they had, Caine was sure they had done many things in the rain, even if he couldn't think of them at that moment. His brain wanted rest, his body wanted to just lay their and his consciousness wanted to torture him with the knowledge that he was kicking it and it was going to get worse What the hell had he gotten himself into ? Fuck. Caine looked at her when she sat right next to him, it was the closest she had been to him this whole time and it made his heart jump a little, like that weird feeling you got when you realized that you'd fallen for somebody, it was like the butterflies in your stomach moving up to your chest. She had this affect on him, it didn't matter how pissed off or crank he was she could calm him down and few could handle that or even manage it. How many times when all his siblings would be there, they would argue and he'd throw a chair and walk off. Sure there was at least once he'd been pissed off enough to walk away from her and not calm down for a while, she still had the highest success rate.

Caine didn't say anything, he really didn't know what he wanted to do at the moment. Sleep would have been nice, if he could manage it without having to pretty much drug himself to do it, and there was so much on his mind that wasn't sorted and that would bother him. What did he do with that? I guess I'll lay down for a bit. You had to concede defeat at some point and that was it. At least a drug induced sleep was better than nothing. Noting the rain he turned to her more, You don't have to leave, though. He paused, hopefully that didn't sound too bad. You could hang out here, until the rain clears up for whatever. She was getting him clean, the least he could do was not let her walk home in the rain. He looked at her and almost wanted her to just lay there on the bed next to him, but then he knew that out of nowhere he'd have the urge to want to be alone and that would ruin that moment. Besides, she could watch TV or just hang out here until she wanted, she still looked a bit in pain and those vics will leave you motionless if you took them right, so it would be like him letting her drive home drunk, best she stay here where he didn't have to worry about her safety for now.

[/justify]

[autumn mika longley]

( WITH ALL OF THIS I KNOW NOW)
EVERYTHING I KNOW INSIDE OF MY HEAD, IT ALL JUST GOES TO SHOW
THAT NOTHING I KNOW CHANGES ME AT ALL.

It was a sunday morning, Mika fast asleep in a bed that was far too familiar. It seemed like nothing could stir her from her sleep, but just when it looked like she was to be sleeping for several more hours a sudden indent in the bed beside her stomach caused her to stir a bit, soft lips upon her shoulder kissing their way down her arm arm caused a smile to tug at the sides of her lips. "Caine .. I'm sleeping. You know I'm a grizzly bear in the morning," she said, a full blown smile residing on her face as she turned over onto her back, finally opening her eyes only to meet bright blue orbs smiling back down at her. Caine leaned over her, his charming smile and masculine arms keeping Mika trapped within his trance. Mika was normally the one who woke up first in the morning, but for whatever reason Caine awoke before her, which was a pleasant surprise. "You know if I got woken up like this every day I don't think I' be as much of a crazy bitch in the morning," she laughed, Caine giving a slight smile at the thought - he was never that emotional. He kissed her, Mika deepening the kiss, the two only parting lips for breaths of air.

__________

Mika was drawn out of thought, Caine admitting that he did want to sleep. She smiled, knowing that his aching body was probably dying for some form of rest. Mika herself was pretty sleepy, the pain that was only a slight distraction slowly starting to come back the more she stalled on heading to the drug store to get the rest of her prescription. Normally when she took she was placed into a coma for a few hours while she slept, a hurricane unable to wake her from her slumber. But recent events led to other outcomes, and now that she was well aware of her growing pain she wanted to fall asleep quickly as not to experience it anymore. She wanted nothing more then to crawl back into the bed that always felt like home, but Mika wasn't going to just invite herself over. Not to mention it would have made this even worse on both of them. Her eyes drifted to the window, the rain coming down a bit harder than it was before. At lest the rain storms seemed to pass quickly, at lest in the summer time.

Mika was glad he offered her his home as shelter from the rain before she took off. At lest she felt somewhat welcomed and that this wasn't a complete disaster. For a moment she debated about staying until Cass happened to get home, it would give the two a chance to catch up while Caine attempted sleep to forget his addictions for a little while. But as much as she wanted to see his younger sister she really din't want to stay. She in all honesty wanted a little bit of space, a little bit of weed and her piano. It was one of the only things that she could really pour herself into and forget about the world for a while. Still, the rain was preventing her from getting home without being a soaking wet mess. Maybe it was a good idea for her to stay for a little while, at lest until the weather lightened up to a drizzle. She let a yawn pass by her lips, a hand covering it up as she did so. "I'll hang here for a little while, at lest until the rain stops," she told him, accepting his invite.

She offered him a smile, but it was almost half assed at this point. It wasn't intentional, she just wanted to relax an lay down. She'd probably lay down on his sofa for a while, listening to the rain until it cleared up. Either way, she intended to be gone by the time he got up. It wasn't anything personal, she just assumed he would need his space. They both went on an emotional roller coaster today, how they chose to deal with it would be their choosing. Besides, Mika wouldn't want to be here if some random girl decided to stop by to help ease his stress - she wasn't sure how she'd react to that. They weren't committed to each other yet but Mika still didn't like the thought of him being with another. It made her stomach turn, even though she had no right. Mika knows he has to have at lest one or two girls he sees regularly, because for a while that was her. She doubted his life style change after she left, and judging by their conversation it only got worse.

Mika got to her feet as if to let Caine know it was fine for him to head off into his bedroom. Before he had the chance to stand though she placed a kiss onto his forehead, something that was some-what sentimental but not something that would cause major alarm between the two. "I hope you sleep well, but I probably wont be here when you awake," she explained, her voice soft and humble. It wasn't meant to be insulting, it was just what was going to happen. Mika headed over to the door where She proceeded to bend over and take her shoes off for the time being, considering she was probably going to be there for a little while. Not to mention she hated shoes. When finished she tossed them over by the door, looking back to Caine. "Sweet drams," She said, biting her bottom lip and making her way back over to the sofa that had her purse on it, taking out headphones and her iPod, watching Caine retreat to his bedroom. Putting on some music Mika got comfy, her gaze looking toward the window to keep an eye on the rain.

WITH ALL OF THIS I FEEL NOW, EVERYTHING INSIDE
OF ME HEART ALL JUST GOES TO SHOW THAT NOTHING
I FEEL PULLS AT ME AT ALL.

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`status; expect a PM from me! :o
` all of this - blink 182