` baby girl, i'm a blur

[autumn mika longley]

Eyes shut tightly as if afraid to open, Mika Longley sat in a doctor's room, wincing every so often in pain as the doctor examined her. It had been a little over a year since she had a machine helping her breath, the young woman finally getting her first check up in America since she had gotten here. It was irresponsible, but having no insurance it was hard to get to a doctors office without paying a fortune. But Mika ran out of pain medication, an the wounds on her body still had stitches that needed to be removed. That's a nasty gash you got back here, lass," the doctor said, removing the stitches from one of the many scars her father had placed upon her. She winced a bit, biting her bottom lip as he continued to do his job. "Thanks," she murmured, as if it was half a compliment. She was sure her father would love to be there right now, marveling at his handy work. He got a sick satisfaction from the pain he inflicted upon her - but that part of her life is over with. The only thing left were the scars - those were never going away.

It took about a half hour to remove all the stitching, Mika getting a strange sense of relief when it was over. The doctor put a bunch of bandages on her back, taping her up to make sure that she wasn't to bleed. 'If you don't mind me asking, what happened to you?" the doctor asked, rolling over in front of her as he wrote a few things down on his clipboard. Mika sighed, grabbing her shirt and putting it back on before rolling up the legs of her pants. "I got jumped," she lied comfortably, not really feeling like having to deal with talking about her father. The doctor surveyed her for a moment over his paperwork, taking her word for it before looking down at her legs. 'you said they broke your legs? Looks like they healed nicely. Do they hurt?" he asked, examining her legs. Mika nodded "My back more than anything - I ran out of pain medication as well. Anyway you can prescribe me more Vicodin?" she asked, rolling her pant legs back down as she sat painfully in her seat. He din't say anything at first, writing a few things down in her brand new spiffy file. "If you didn't ask me to write you one I'd consider you a crazy person. You got really badly beat up, didn't you?" he said, handing her a prescription a few moments later. Mika smiled back at the doctor, her way of saying thanks for the prescription. "Lets just say I'll never walk those streets alone again," Mika told him, getting off the examination table slowly, making sure she didn't put herself in any access pain. The doctor handed her a bag, replacement gaws and bandages inside. Mika put the brown bag in her own purse, taking some pain medication that the doctor gave her before he left the room. "Thank you," she told him, exiting the hospital.

When Mika reached daylight again she rummaged through her bag and put on her sunglasses to shield her eyes from the rays. Walking along the familiar streets of California, Mika made her first pit stop : The drug store. IT wasn't that far from the hospital, fortunately, so Mika didn't have to walk around forever to get her pain medicine. She could already feel the effects of the one she took before she left the doctors office. The only problem with vicodin was that it made her so very tired. A yawn passing by her lips, Mika kept her eyes looking toward the ground, her mind drifting off as she walked several blocks down the street before taking a left, and then a right toward the drug store. Luckily enough for her there was no line at the pharmacy, so she was able to get in and out easily and with no hassle. The only issue now is that she had some time to kill before her medication was ready. Reaching into her purse she grabbed her cellphone, checking the time. It was 4:37 - she had an hour to wait. Noticing the pack of cigarettes in her purse she grinned devilishly, heading off to find a not-so-crowded spot to enjoy a smoke.

Mika ended up parking it outside a resturant in a back alley about a block from the drug store. She sat down on the curb, taking out her lighter and her pack. To the untrained eye this pack of cigarettes would look just like a regular pack, but it actually was filled with joints. One of Mika's favorite tricks to have wee unsuspiciously on her at all times for occasions such as these she pulled one out and lit it up, taking in the sweet, sweet THC into her system. She sighed, the smoke exiting her mouth as she glanced around the area. Weed is a social drug, so when she sat smoking it alone she always found herself going through her phone to find someone to hang out with or smoke with. But as she went through her contacts she realized none of them would come see her - they were either one night stands or didn't smoke. Mika sighed, her eyes falling upon one name in particular that made her heart sink into her stomach.

Caine.

It had been such a long time since she has heard from him. Such a long time since she has heard his voice. It has been over a year and Mika was still not over him. Just his name still gave her butterflies. She stared at his name for a moment, wondering if she should text him. I mean, she was looking for him after all - but what if he changed his number? What if he doesn't know it's her? What if he didn't love her anymore? He probably didn't, Mika knew this. She did break up with him, it was only fair that he moved on and found someone else to love. Someone else to appreciate the amazing person he was. But truth be told, it broke Mika's heart too. But she can't just stand by while he does such awful things to himself - she likes her drugs, don't get her wrong. But he took it to another level, and every time he took more pills Mika saw his life ticking away. Taking another hit, Mika bit her bottom lip, trying to make up her mind whether or not it was a good idea. She checked the time. 4:51. Sighing, she die out what little joint she had and tossed it in the corner of the alley before getting to her feet and making an executive decision. Mika had been looking for this boy since she got back from England. So much had happened. So much she wanted to tell him .. and yet she was terrified.

Exiting the alley Mika remembered where Caine lived, having made many trips there in the past. It was a shot in the dark to see if he was there or see if he even lived there anymore. But she had to know - she had to take a chance. Whenever she had returned from England with new bruises he was always there. Whenever she had an awful day he was always there. Caine was her best friend, and she wasn't about to let him get away. Someone once told Mika that if you find something that truly makes you happy then don't let it go. So she was doing just that. HEr phone still in hand, Mika pulled up a new text message quickly, typing away a short message an sending it to the number she had for Caine, hoping it was still him. I hope you're home is all it read, Mika wanting to put more, but knew she was going to be at his doorstep soon. She pressed send, turning down a side road that was a more efficient way to get to his apartments.

She was there within 5 minutes of sending that text message, Mika climbing the stairs to his apartment, each step she took making her more and more nervous. Her phone residing back in her purse, Mika's hands fiddled with the necklace that was around her neck - nervous habit - as she walked the path she knew far to well. She did march the walk of shame down this path several times, Mika finding a strange sense of comfort in the thought. The moment she reached Caine's door she stopped, staring at the number residing on it. "This is it. time to see if he's still around .." Mika murmured to herself as a kind of a mental preparation before knocking her signature knock. If he was there, he would know it was her.

STATUS; Done, for vanessa with Caine!
TUNES; Paramore
WORDS; 1507
NOTES; a little overboard? haha <3

[caine davin seymour]

It was just another dragging day for Caine. Not only was he tired and in a perpetual daze, he also only had one thing on his mind. His pill stash was running low and he had been forced to pretty much ration it to himself leaving him feeling shitty all around. It was kind of like having a cold, the aches and pains and the insomnia was the worst. The last time he had felt more dope sick than this he hadn't slept for two weeks. It wasn't that bad this time but he didn't want it to be worse later. Literally, all he had left were some painkillers and nothing else, it was a horrible and lonely feeling all around because it was something he had let slip outside of his control. The pills, the tar, the coke or whatever he could get his hands on. Caine put his hands in his pockets and pushed back his messenger bag he used for school. Somehow he had managed to drag himself to his classes today and sit there miserably. It wasn't a surprise that he was pretty much failing at this point and it was sad considering he was almost done. Despite his drug addict nature and laid back lifestyle Caine was good at a few subjects, math and anything computer related. He wasn't dumb by any standard, just unmotivated and depressed. That was Caine in a nutshell and it wasn't all completely his fault.

It wasn't that far of a walk from the school, past some shops and the pharmacy to his apartment but he took it slow. Caine just wasn't feeling it today and he hoped to God that his brother and sister weren't home, they probably wouldn't be. There had been some thing back home with their father that he had been pretty blatantly ignoring. Something about a hospital visit and lifestyle changes. Caine didn't give in to that bullshit, there was no way that their father could and would change, not even a near death experience or whatever. There had been a couple scares with Caine, the last time he done smack before now, an accidental overdose here and a bad speed ball there and he would awake at the hospital. He had stopped that for a while and slowly got back into pills and into the other stuff again, hence breaking bridges wherever he went it seemed. Caine sighed, there really wasn't a day that he didn't miss that girl. Even just the time as friends they had before it got complicated. She was easy for him to talk to and share what was on his mind, even just to smoke a bowl with, but she didn't like the other aspects of his life that he held onto with an iron grip.

His heart fell again and it was that same sinking feeling with each time she popped into his mind. She had left a jacket on his couch when she had left and he just about cried when he found it, his sister had relocated it somewhere and he was glad because he didn't need that reminder. It was like quitting drugs, you still had the cravings and had to curb and deal with them. It was a hard and painful process, but you did it and dealt with it. Caine turned on the sidewalk and kept walking until he turned one more corner and stopped at the front of some stairs that lead up to the hall with his door in it. There was a buzz from his bag and as he walked up the stairs he pulled out his phone to check the new text message he got. At the same time he was walking and his door was not very far from the top of the stairs. Though, seeing the name of who it belonged to made him just stop where he stood. It was her. It was so simple and yet exactly something she would write but he couldn't tell much more from it. What the hell did that mean. Caine put his phone in his pocket and when he looked up not only could he not move for a second his heart felt like it stopped. He swallowed hard and took a second to really look at her and see if it was her. She looked like she was in pain and had a bruise up at the top of her cheekbone on the side of her face that was facing him.

What did he do? His stomach filled with those familiar butterflies and he had this urge to just bring her close to him. There was this longing feeling of being separated for so long, a year now? It didn't seem that long, but maybe time traveled slower in hell. What are you doing here? That was all he could say, or ask, the first thing that came to his mind really. So all of a sudden she just shows up? Caine was confused and caught really off guard. This wasn't fair, didn't he get a chance to choose how to respond to this? After all, she was the one who left him and now she just jumped him like this. Was he angry? Happy? He really didn't know, from what he could see though was that she looked about as happy as he was and if that was measured in numbers it would be negative. I mean, hi. Caine didn't want to move from where he stood because he wasn't sure what he would do. Caine definitely had not moved on and still had strong feelings for her, that just didn't go away as much as he had tried. Maybe he hadn't tried hard enough or he still wanted them there. Sure there had been hook-ups and whatnot, but not anything like her. So, what happened now?

[autumn mika longley]

The moment Mika stood at Caine's doorstep the more and more she started to regret her coming here. With her amazing luck some stranger was going to come answer the door asking why this bruise frail girl was standing at their doorstep. But still, she remained where she stood. She bit her bottom lip, not really sure what she was expecting. She looked like crap and she felt even worse. Though the Vicodin and weed mixture was helping that cause. Her hands were still fidgeting with her neckless as she waited patiently for him to answer. It had been a few moments since she had knocked, and still there was no word or noise from behind the door. I knew this was a mistake .. he isn't home or just isn't answering she thought to herself, mustering up the strength to just leave. Walk away and pretend this has never happened. Just walk away.

Mika really didn't know what she was hoping to accomplish when she came here. She knew nothing was going to be the same with them. She knew that Caine was probably not around and she knew that she was probably never going to see him again. Thats what happens when you find the guy of your dreams who has some ... other problems. They broke up, it should have been left at that. It should have, but Mika just could not let it go. She wasn't one to hold on to things. She was taught at a young age that everything - even people - were disposable. She was able to gain best friends and loose them the next day. It was just how she operated : there was no such thing as love and there was no such thing as a successful healthy human relationship. People can't stay together forever, everything comes to an end, right? That's what she always thought until Caine decided to change her line of thinking. Or feeling, rather. She wanted to blame him for everything, but it was just as much her fault (if not more) than his.

Mika sighed, a slight pain shooting up her back as she winced for a moment. She took that as a sign to leave, realizing this visit was a failed attempted. She turned her head to walk back down the stairs only to stop dead in her tracks. It was like she had just seen a ghost - she didn't know how to react and she didn't know what to say. She just smile, happy that he had shown up after all. She took in his appearance at first, noting that he looked sickly. She didn't want to jump to conclusions, so Mika kept her spirits bright. He was just sick, just had a cold. God knows there is plenty of that going around. Not to mention she wasn't one to judge - a few of her facial bruises still haven't healed completely. She dropped her purse onto the ground, her fingers lightly hanging on to it as she decided what to do next. 'What are you doing here?' her expression changing slightly. It wasn't the reaction she was expecting, but she couldn't say she was surprised. By all means she can't just show up into his life and expect a 'hey how are you I've missed you,' even though that's all she wanted to hear and all she wanted to say. But she kept her mouth shut. When she got his second response she smiled, but still remained silent. It was very ... "Caine" to react the way he did. It was like a breath of fresh air.

Mika didn't think. She didn't really process the moment, but she knew that it was one she was going to remember. There were a silent moment before she acted. She dropped her bag completely on the ground "Hello Love," she said before starting a light run in Caine's direction. She didn't think about the consequences for what she was about to do, and as she ran she could feel them tugging at her 'battle wounds.' Luckily for her Caine didn't move, which made the entire moment just flow smoothly. When Mika reached Caine she some what jumped on him, but it was more of one of those tackling hugs. She wrapped her arms around his neck, just ... being close to him was enough. She sat there for a moment before realizing that she could have potentially just did something she shouln't have. She let go, standing back and letting out a sigh. "I'm sorry I Just uh .." she fumble for words to say. Mika never fumbled for words. She looked up to him, her blue orbs meeting his for a moment. "It's been a long year,"

STATUS; :D
TUNES; Freaks and Geeks
WORDS; 806
NOTES;My "D" key isn't working right! stupid keyboard. /stab

[caine davin seymour]

Caine believed that this was now the appropriate time and circumstance to break his rules of rations and get something because the situation called for a couple xannie bars. He had surprised her, and at the same time she had surprised him. There was pain in her eyes, they didn't look the same and not to mention the bruise right there on her face. Caine could only imagine what had happened, like previous instances of her father beating her up and Caine there after to pick up the pieces again and again. Something that he had never minded, not that he looked forward to it because of the pain she had been in. But, he could relate from his own family life. There was an awkward pause for a moment and he really wasn't sure how to proceed with this. His chest felt funny as if his heart was telling him to go get his girl but his mind was unsure. What would change? She would still disapprove of his chronic drug use and then the cycle repeated itself. Caine had tried rehabs and they didn't work, he was just not meant to be happy and that was a heart-breaking thought. Before he knew it she had came over to him and jumped on him into a hug. It took a second for the shock of what happened to wear off and when it did he lightly hugged her back.

It felt good to have her near him again and at the same time it hurt because, well, it had been nearly a year. She jumped back though as if finally thinking about her actions. At that moment he wasn't mad anymore and despite the obvious pain she was in even the fact that her normally bright blue eyes were dull she still seemed okay. And he had to agree with her, for which he did with a light nod, it had been a long year. Yea, it has.... It wasn't so much that a whole lot had happened to him, he had just spiraled like no other and the only people that saw it were the ones close to him. Now that she was standing right in front of him, he reached up his hand softly to her face where his thumb lightly traced over the bruise that was there. He wasn't able to stop caring, so sue him for making any physical contact and she started it. What happened? He asked in a calm tone, worried even, even though he probably already knew the answer to that question. Caine probably figured she had gotten pain meds for the pain she was in, and he was still trying to figure out why she was at his doorstep in the first place. Such a long time passes by and all of a sudden you show up again. The usual over thinking from Caine told him that something was up, but what?

Caine dropped his hand and remembered that they were standing in the hallway still. Um...do you wanna come inside? No point in being rude, though the last little, well big argument they had were actually the last things they said to each other face to face. Caine had tried calling and texting but to no avail so he had stopped and sulked around instead. He pulled his key out of his pocket and opened his door, if somebody had been home it would have been unlocked. So at least it avoided the awkwardness of siblings. In fact, when they were dating she actually became friends with them, and both Christian and Cassie had been shocked at their split but not surprised about the reason, they had been trying to get him into rehab without telling him for a while now and Caine wasn't having that. The door opened and he walked in and dropped his back on a nearby chair. Nothing had really changed in here, same furniture and same surroundings. The same kitchen she would jump him in and the same couch they would cuddle on or get high. His stomach and chest both still felt funny. Sit down. He motioned to the couch as he closed the door after her. What was she doing back in town anyway? Caine wanted to ask but maybe she would tell him anyway.

He sat down on the couch opposite of where she sat and resisted the strong urge to take something to relax. And he had to stop thinking about what was happening so much, one thought was along the lines of happily ever after and the other one more or less the exact opposite. But, awkward was good though. it's not like running into this like nothing had happened because a lot had happened. Caine had some serious relationships under his belt, ruined by drug use of course mainly his own, but though he had strong feelings in there, really strong ones, he had never loved them, not like her and that hadn't faded at all. But, with that little gap year they couldn't jump back into it, Caine was confused at he battle between his reason and his heart. What to do?

[autumn mika longley]

( SHOCK ME WTH YOUR ELECTRIC FEEL)

It was like time stood still for a moment. There was no one else in the world, there was nothing else that mattered except Caine, who was still standing in front of her. Her purse still resided in the middle of the walkway in front of his apartment which could have been disastrous if someone was to come by and just pick it up without her noticing. But she wouldn't even care - at lest not right away. Her hans found their way back to her necklace as she waited for a response form him. He returned the jump hug slightly, which was a nice gesture for Mika - it just let her know that he wasn't completely repulsed by what she had done. She relaxed a bit, a not coming from Caine as he agreed that it had, indeed been a long year. She smiled lightly, trying to process what was happening - she finally found him. It was like a dream come true for Mika, but life seldom has fairy tale endings.

Before Caine steppe into her life Mika's love life had been nothing but empty relationships. She dated a few people in the past and managed to keep a steady relationship with them, but after a certain amount of time they were head over heels in love with her, and she was out the door. She didn't believe in love. Her parents clearly didn't love each other, all relationships she has seen failed. She held so many friends as they cried their eyes out when they found out the boy or girl they thought was faithful was caught with another. For Mika, relationships were just means of social interactions - and sex, lets not forget about that. But she was more respectful of herself than half the population of the college girls. She wouldn't just sleep with anyone it was something that had to be earned. There were few instances that Mika had been to f*cked up to realize what was happening, but she chalked it up to life lessons. But right now, Mika was at a loss for words. Only Caine had this kind of affect on her - give her butterflies, make her at a loss for what to do except smile.

God how she missed him,

She spent many nights herself trying to forget about him. She experienced her first bad trip over him actually. On the second night she was back in England she got herself some triple C's, and in attempt to make herself feel better about leaving the man she loved she took them. Biggest mistake ever. She laid curled up in a ball on the floor of a friend's apartment crying her eyes out for hours. She felt ridiculous about it after word, Mika never being the super emotional kind - but drugs can do that to a person. It was strange, Mika having so much emotion and so much love for Caine yet she never actually muttered the words I love you. It took her a while to accept the fact that she let herself be that vulnerable with him, and by the time she realize it it was far too late. She was sure she would get to tell him someday - maybe when things with them are better, when things are back to normal - or as close as they could be. She wished she had texted him sooner - if only. if only.

She was drawn out of thought when she felt his hand against her cheek. It sent a sensation through her body that she had been without for such a long time. She bit her bottom lip, fighting back a small smile and the urge to just jump his bones. "He put me in the hospital this time .." she said, the first time she had been truthful about her bruises and wounds for the first time since she was back in the Cali. "If you think that's bad you should see my back," she grinned slightly, trying to make the mood a little bit brighter. that was very stereotypical of Mika - play off her obvious physical abuse as nothing serious. Only this time it was serious, she almost died. He didn't just use his fists, he used whatever he could find. Hell, he even broke her legs to prevent her from running. What a sick twisted man he was, Mika didn't even want to think about it. She didn't want to tell Caine either .. if he knew she almost lost the game of life she wasn't sure how he would react. She would tell him eventually, but not right now.

When he mentioned going inside Mika nodded an checked the time "That'd be nice, I'm sure the pharmacy wouldn't mind if I picked my pain meds up tomorrow," she said, waiting for him to lead the way as she followed, picking up her purse (which was luckily still there) and waited behind him while he opened the door and let her into his apartment. She wonder if Cass was there, Caine's sister. Mika and her got a long very well, they were actually pretty good friends. She hate leaving her when she and Caine broke up, but she knew that she would understand. They were both kind of working together to get Caine to head to rehab. But it didn't work which is why they were in this boat to begin with.

When she entered the apartment it was the same as it was a year ago. The same couch the first night they hooked up - the same counter where she jumped his bones after a long day of school. The bedroom they spent many ays in just laying there enjoying each others company. It was nice to be back here, it had a strange sense of home for her. Caine's apartment was always an escape for her, so seeing it basically the same way she left it was a nice surprise. She took a seat on the sofa that had far too many memories for the two of them when Caine took a seat opposite of her. She placed her bag down beside her, leaning back and crossing her legs. She sat in silence for a moment, not sure what to do next. What to say. She was still pretty sure he was into pills and whatever else he could get his hands on. He just looked sickly, but not the cold kind of sick the "i need a fix" kind of sick. But she didn't say anything about it. She didn't want to ruin a potential good reunion.

"Surprise!" was all she was able to come up with, smiling at him as she tried to ease them into what was happening. Just because she broke both their hearts doesn't mean she has to act differently than usual, right? She is still the same person, after all. There was so much she wanted - needed - to tell him, but she didn't know where to start. She didn't want to just bombard him with all these horrific stories of her life the past year. So she started asking about him, because in all honesty thats all she really cared about. "How are you?"

STATUS; caine&mika make me smiiile<3
TUNES; Razia's shadow C:
WORDS; 1229
NOTES; <3!

[caine davin seymour]

Caine frowned a little. She had been beaten pretty badly before and personal experience told him that to end up in the hospital would require a pretty serious beating, life threatening at that. Caine had only ever been to the Hospital from his father and overdosing. It wasn't fun. He didn't say anything again, how could she joke about this? It wasn't funny, at least not to him. Maybe because he cared about her, but he would doubt that anybody else would take it so lightly either. Caine's father had been sort of a sociopath himself, or a psychopath or whatever. One of those things. It took evil to do harm to one own's children, especially if there was four of them. Cassie was lucky that she never had to feel that pain of losing a mother, just the emptiness of never having one. Caine would have preferred that over the image that he saw and remembered being torn away from him. Kind of like ripping a valuable page out of a book, now that book was missing that page forever and that piece of whatever story it was telling. She mentioned that she had to pick up pain meds, internally he had a small moment of panic. Most people that Caine knew and that he had met in his previous rehab got into pills and worse because of some life even, accident, surgery, that placed them in a position to received these addicting opiates and opiods and they never left them again.

Caine felt like he was stuck between a position to just hand her the world and give her everything including himself right then and there and staying cautious and finding out what was really going on. She knew that he was still the same, same drug addict she left almost a year ago and that he wasn't going to change. The fact that he looked sick at that moment should have confirmed that. So why was she back? Did she change her mind, to let him do what he wanted ? Then why did she dump him in the first place, it just seemed pointless to him if that was the case. Sitting there he couldn't help but feel sorry for her, he didn't want her to take those pain meds but there was no way for him to stop her without looking like the biggest hypocrite int he world. But it was his experience that taught him that these magical pills that made you feel good were the worst decision you could ever make. At least with Vicodin you could take them as prescribed and be find, but smack or ice and even blow you couldn't do just once, it hooked you right from the beginning and drained you of everything. The couch that she sat on was the one where they first hooked up, getting high and drunk and then that magical blur of passion.

Caine smiled back quickly but was quickly overcome with confusion and awkwardness. So, what were they supposed to do? Talk? The last time they talked he had his heart ripped out and broken into a lot of little pieces, he wasn't sure if it was whole again. Despite closing himself off he still felt vulnerable, it was difficult to keep this front up. Caine thought for a second, Oh, you know, same old stuff. And then some. Right now he was in a hole that he had dug himself and wasn't sure if he had the strength to ever leave it. When you stay in one place long enough it becomes comfortable and safe, doesn't matter what it contained. How you holding up? It hurt him to see her in pain and with those bruises, he had his own scars and knew what it was like. That made it worse to see somebody else in pain like he had been and continued to be haunted by. Something told him that if they kept up this pace this was going to drag on awkwardly and painfully. Sure, he'd dreamed of her coming back to him by some miracle and that miracle whatever it was seemed to be happening but it wasn't like he imagined. It wasn't the same.

"I can't 'sit back and watch you kill yourself with that stuff!" She had screamed at him after throwing his needles away in the kitchen trash can, if she had looked she would have found all the burnt spoons and soda cans in there also. A few more words and she said she was done and just left like that. It was the most pain he had experiences in a long time, at least emotionally. If he had been in a rut before that, he had sunk further and just fallen. Caine brought his mind back to the present and took a half deep breath, he just had to know. Why'd you come back? And she knew that he didn't mean the whole beating thing, he could understand that little fact but she could have gone somewhere else. Frickin Florida for all he cared by why back here, why back where he was so that every time that he would see her he would be constantly reminded of what he was trying to move on from and failing so miserably at. Why was she doing this to him? Couldn't she see the pain in his eyes. Why are you here? He wasn't meaning to be rude or mean in anyway, he just needed answers.

[autumn mika longley]

( CAUSE BABY I'M NOT ALRIGHT WHEN YOU GO )
I'M NOT FINE, PLEASE BE ALL MINE. I NEVER WANT YOU TO GO
BECAUSE I AM ALL YOURS, SO PLEASE BE ALL MINE.

Mika remembered the day that she left Caine like it was yesterday. She tried countless times to erase that day from her memory but no matter how hard she tried it was never going to happen. The needles, the drugs - Mika really didn't mind it at first. But it steadily got worse and worse as time went on. She helped him shot up a few times, broke up a few lines for him - even did it with him every now and then. But it was never her cup of tea. As time went on Mika watched as he slowly but surely got more and more dependent on the drugs, longing more and more for that quick fix to get him through the day or through the night. It became too much for her to handle. He was slowly killing himself, and watching him do that was slowly killing her. If he ever died from an overdose while she was with him she would just .. loose it. Completely and utterly loose it. In a sense Mika was surprised that he was blind sided that she left. Did he really expect anyone who love him to stick around and watch while he did these things to himself?

The memory was haunting. She probably could have handled it a bit better than she did, considering she just tossed his needles, told him she wasn't doing this anymore and left. She didn't even bother getting majority of her things, Cass had to bring them to her at her dorm the next day. The funny part is that she still had some of his things too - she never got rid of them for whatever reason. His Pink Floyd shirt was one of her favorites, that she was never going to get rid of. Even though she couldn't wear it for a good couple months after she left considering it made her break down almost every time she tried. But she eventually healed up her heart the best she could using alcohol, drugs and one night stands to provide for the void his love left. That kind of thing was never her thing but desperate times call for desperate measures. A flavor of the week, a flavor of the night - anything to get his taste out of her mouth.

This wasn't the easiest thing for Mika either. She had no idea he still cared. With his dashing good looks and charming personality he was bound to have another girlfriend or someone who was more important to him than her. The thought killed her - it was scary to think that he could find takers other than her. Better than her (because lets face it, there are a lot of people out there that are better than her). Mika's eye resided on him, waiting for him to answer her question. She really wasn't sure what to expect, but he was pretty vague. She offered a smile, knowing that this was going to be one conversation she was never going to forget. "And Cass? How is she? We haven't talked in ages .." she questioned regrettably, pushing a stray piece of dark brown hair from her face when she answered his question. "Oh I'm a hot mess. Physically and emotionally but a lot better than I was a few months ago," she answered truthfully, a smile on her face as she said it. She will never be the one to let anyone see her cry. Even given the circumstance she will fight it back with all her might.

Caine's net question caught Mika off guard, but at the same time she was expecting it. She was trying to ease into the topic, but she knew he wanted answers. Maybe he did still care - there was only one way to really find out and that was to tell him why she really came back. Her eyes met his an she could see it - he was still hurting as much as she was. "Oh boy .. where to begin," she said, not wanting to bombard him with everything all at once. She knew what he meant, but there were several reasons why she was back. "I wanted to finish school though I had to transfer. I burned down my parents estate with lightbulb bombs - it was pretty awesome," she shrugged, knowing that's not the answer he was looking for. She took a deep breath, scratching the back of her head before checking the time on her phone. 5:26. Not like she had anything special to do, right? She was mainly just avoiding the topic as to why she came back - the real reason, but once Caine asked why she was there she had to answer. She owed him an explanation.

"I wish there was some kind of medical procedure to erase someone from your memory," she started, not really knowing what to say at first. "Because I would have gotten it to remove you from my memories, like you never existed. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how many drugs I did or how many parties I went to you were always still on my mind. Every day something would come up and I would wish you were there by my side," she said, her bottom lip quivering a little as she fought back the emotions she was hiding for such a long time. "You were my knight in shining armor Caine, you saved me from my awful reality ..." her gazed drifted to the floor, remembering the many nights she spent in the hospital alone. No one who cared enough to know if she was alive or dead.

"I missed you. I missed you a lot. That is why I'm here"

STATUS; lsdkfhs! I've been wanting to reply to this since I read it! stupid work! You're post was wonderful <3
TUNES; The Used
WORDS; 1021
NOTES; <3!

[caine davin seymour]

She's fine. Caine responded at the question of her sister. After they had really started dating Mika and Cass were bff's all of a sudden. That was fine with him as long as she didn't get involved in the habitual drug use that they did. Nothing would destroy him more than to see one of his siblings go down the same path and into the hole that he was in, luckily she was stronger than that. But, when she wasn't with Caine she was probably talking to Cass, it hadn't bothered him at all but right now it did that she asked because she had pretty much just dumped her too. It was hard to Caine to imagine how she could have looked worse and to be honest he really didn't want to imagine it at all because it would hurt him. It would remind him that he hadn't been there at a specifically dark and awful time, even if she had left him. Luckily for her, Caine wasn't the type to let go of anything easily, a grudge, a favor, love. When he thought about it he didn't remember if he'd actually told her that he loved her or realized after she stomped on his heart. After some time he had realized that he did indeed love her, but did he tell her? It wasn't something he just said like that out side of family, it made him nervous, what if she didn't love him back? Or another argument about drugs or rehab. He wanted the tugging in his chest to stop.

Luckily, he was feeling patient, despite the questions he asked. Having been friends for such a long time when he asked a question she knew what he meant, not some lame bullshit simple answer, but what was going on? to Balston? That was a surprise, but when she introduced the next information it made sense. Arson is a good way to tell your family to fuck off. Still he was a little surprised that she did that, that she could do that and at the same time impressed but he didn't want to encourage such behavior. Still, even if they didn't work out now she went to the same school as him, they were both seniors though she worked at least a hundred times harder than he did and he felt like he would still be at the school when she graduated, not that he had any grand plans with his degree. Nice... He muttered, not sure if she was quite deserving of a medal, but in her case probably. There was another lapse in speaking, another pause and he waited for the answer that he wanted and he contemplated and going straight to what they both wanted to talk about, what about them? It was eating at him because she was here and that was what he wanted right? Honestly, he'd never thought this far ahead in this process, what did he do now?

Caine had a momentary look on his face of : you did not just come over here to tell me that. As if the events of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind actually existed, maybe he would have contemplated it himself for the pain that he had been in, but he didn't want to let go of all the good memories. Still, the thought of her removing him entirely from her life was a painful thought, it made his stomach drop a little. There was this physical urge to jump across to the other couch and just hold her and tell her it was going to be okay, but he wanted to let her finish what she was saying and he didn't want to put her in more physical pain than she already was. Caine's heart felt like it did some kind of somersault in his chest, so she did still care? But, now he didn't really know how to respond. Normally, he liked to have control on what was happening, have the ball in his court but right now he didn't know what to do without messing something up and he felt so lost. He swallowed hard and found himself rubbing his eyes and running his hands through his scraggly hair, until he looked at her again. I'm sorry you had to be alone. It wasn't his fault because she left him, but he still felt some kind of responsibility for not being there when she probably needed him the most. But, she had to know that he wasn't going to change, right? Or she wouldn't be here.

His world had fallen apart when she left, but he was having a hard time articulating the right words to explain his feelings. It was strange because he'd always come off as unemotional and cold, but not with her, she brought him out of his bubble. So now what? Was this supposed to be some kind of cheesy romantic movie ending where they admit their feelings and live happily ever after? Things hardly worked that easily for Caine, and this was not going to be an exception. He was so lost and confused it hurt. Another deep breath, it didn't help he already felt sick. When you left......everything got out of control. The drug use jumped, the drinking and the partying and sleeping around. There was this constant void he had been trying to fill and it didn't work. Sure he had his hook-ups every now and then or a consistent person that would spend the night that wasn't Mika, but he didn't feel anything for them, nothing. There was still another question on his mind, maybe he was being to serious about all this but he didn't want a repeat and felt like things had to be laid out on the table when they had the chance. What's going to change? Is she just going to leave him again because of his drug habit? Hurt him all over again until he did something stupid, he couldn't handle that, not another time. He needed to know that she wasn't going to break his heart again.

---

hehe (:

[autumn mika longley]

WE ALL HAVE SOMETHING THAT DIGS AT US
( AT LEST WE DIG EACH OTHER )

People never change. It was a lesson that was seldom learned and almost always overlooked. The cheater will never stop cheating or having a wondering eye, the drug addict will never really get clean no matter how much is at stake. The murderer will always kill and the pathological liar will never have a truthful relationship. It was sad to think that human kind as a whole will never be more than primitive creatures, not able to over come the things that were keeping them from true happiness. It was an opinion that Mika always agreed with, so at this moment, almost all her cards on the table Mika was still holding back the ace in the hole in fear that he really will not change. If there was one thing Mika knew about Caine it was that he loved his drugs. She loved her drugs too, it was one reason they got along so well. She loves getting high with Caine - it's one of her favorite past times.

But another one of her favorite things is the sober Caine. It isn't that there is a difference between them because they'r really isn't much of one - aside for his lack of good judgment, but that happens to everyone. But it was just a better feeling for Mika when he was sober. Drugs numbed every part of you. Those mornings where Mika was at her most open she didn't want to think that he felt none of the things she said, because some of them were important. She didn't like the idea of him not being able to feel her skin, her touch, her kiss - it was as if she was with a doll. But at the same time they always had so much fun. Hell, sometimes the drugs even enhance things. But the fact of the matter was that he was an addict. He would choose drugs over food and drugs over her. He was slowly taking minutes off his life each time he shot up or took another hit. Mika can't just stand by and watch him commit suicide, even if it was unintentional. She found herself in one of the most difficult places : follow your heart or just be smart? It was a 50/50 chance that Mika could walk away like she did last time, not offering anything more than a goodbye. But there is a chance this could work, they could work through all the issues they had. Truth be told they really didn't have any, just the drugs. And Mika's lack of open communication insecurities were always a problem too. She really needs to speak up more.

As she sat on the sofa next to Caine, she wanted to just fall into him, though she knew that was inappropriate at the moment. When he spoke the few words he did Mika's hope got brighter. It was strange to hear him admit that he messed up. That it was his fault - he never openly said he screwed up before. Not on this topic anyways. It was such a shocker to her that Mika looked up, her head no longer resting on her hand. Acceptance. that was a start, right? But she couldn't put all the blame on him. They were fighting a lot before they broke up - she was insecure and he was just doing his thing with the drugs. Mika knew he would never cheat on her or stray, just like she would never do that to him. But for whatever reason she was just uncomfortable, getting scared in her only comfort zone. It could have had to do with the fact that she was well aware she had fallen in love and was looking for a some way to run away from it. Whatever the real reason Mika was unsure, but she regretted the pointless fights they had. "It's not all your fault," she spoke up. They were both adults, they were both able to take responsibility for their actions. "I didn't even give us a chance to talk it out. I just ran, like always," she added regrettably, still hating the fact she did that. But still, the apology was nice. "I'm sorry too. For just leaving the way I did," she confessed, knowing he was owed an apology too.

The next few things he said caught Mika's attention even more. What if he stopped? Well then this would be going completely differently. Mika would have already forced herself onto him - not even in a sexual manner, but just to be in his arms again. Her own high completely gone (at lest from the weed), Mika let a small yawn pass by her lips, blushing slightly and covering her mouth up afterward. Vicodin always made her tired. She wondered how Caine felt right now. If he felt as bad as he looked she felt awful for not letting him go to bed or get his next fix. She hated to see him in any kind of pain. Mika thought of how she could respond to his inquiry. She already knew how this was going to end if he just went to rehab. He was like a .. serial rehab-est. They never worked for him. It was going to take a little more effort to get him clean - or at lest not addicted. Mika had to compromise, she knew she wasn't going to get him to completely drop his habits, especially not for her .. would he? The moment Mika saw his face when he said that she knew that he wasn't even sure himself. "If you stopped we would live happily ever after," she smiled, knowing that even happily ever after has it's problems. "But the question is are you really going to be able to?" she spoke, her head falling to the side for a moment.

When he told her he wanted her to stay Mika was glad. She would have understood if he wanted nothing more than to get her out of his hair. More hope. She bit her bottom lip, her eyes glancing over his features. God. Even sick he was still sexy as all hell. Mika always thought so, even when they were just friends. Her gaze met his lips for a moment before bouncing back to his eyes. She wanted to kiss him, tell him she wasn't going anywhere. But she wasn't sure of that yet. "I'll help you," she spoke. He wasn't going to be able to do this alone and she wouldn't want him to. Besides, she wants this to work as much as he does. At least she hopes so. "Start off slow .. even keep at the pace you're going for a few more weeks. Just weed you off it slowly but surely. The days you withdrawal I'll be here. I'll skip school .. whatever it takes," she offered, hoping that the thought of her being there for him would help the situation a little. Though she knew he wouldn't want her to miss school because of him. But school was missable. Him needing her was not. "You don't have to go to rehab, it never works for you anyways. I can only imagine ho awful those places are .." Mika noted, never experiencing one herself. She felt like she was making him feel like an open target. Facing all the skeletons in his closet at once. "I'm not here to judge you Caine. Or yell at you or anything like that," she explained further, preparing herself for what she was about to say.

"I love - loved you" Mika corrected herself quickly. She still did love him, but she wasn't going to tell him that. not yet. Still, this was something that Mika had a hard time saying. "It's just .. too much. You know me, Caine. You know I'm fine with drugs in general. I'll even do them with you on those special occasions," she shrugged, her hands playing with a loose thread on the bottom of her shirt. "You just crossed the line," she finished, knowing how hard this must have been on him. A small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth, Mika gave him a slight head-butt playfully. "I'm not giving up on you - on us. Are you?"

IF I TURN INTO ANOTHER, DIG ME UP FROM UNDER
WHAT IS COVERING THE BETTER PART OF ME. SING
THIS SING, REMIND ME THAT WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE
EACH OTHER WHEN EVERYTHING ELSE IS GONE.

_________________________

`status; love<3
` lyrics; Dig - Incubus

[caine davin seymour]

Caine watched as Mika walked over to where he was sitting, the change in proximity made his heart leap a little and a butterfly move in his stomach. So bad did he want them to be together again, but he wanted it to be natural again and not so heavy with all this baggage that they now had created for each other over the past year or so. His words had been absolutely true, though. He fell apart when she left and it had been downward ever since. More drugs, more partying, more reckless behavior because for a second he actually cared about something and when it left he didn't care about anything anymore. Caine wished he could explain that to her without making it sound like some creepy obsessive thing or whatever, but she showed him how to laugh and live and enjoy life. That was something he wasn't used to doing because he had felt so empty and dead inside all the time. Something inside of him told him that asking that question was a bad idea, what was going to change? Nothing really, they would be good for a while and then more fighting and arguing over different things and mainly his drug use. There was just something so disappointing about rehab that Caine didn't want to deal with and since it had failed for him and so many people close to him he didn't want to bother. But, it made him nervous that she was so close to him and yet so far in terms of this giant wall.

Caine looked at her, that was the most blunt she had been so far in this conversation and he hated it and appreciated it at the same time. He swallowed hard, looking at the floor in front of him. When she put it that way, she was absolutely right. His heart sank and his stomach felt funny, more than before anyway. It was just as much his fault for everything that had happened, he was making himself suffer. And the funny thing was, that he still didn't know if he wanted to give it all up, especially when it had been such a cemented piece of lifestyle for more than ten years. With his young age that was a lot of time spent on slowly poisoning your body into a painful death. His jaw clenched a little, he wanted to get up and pace around or just leave instead of facing that fact that his mistress was basically heroin and that he couldn't give the one person he loved a hundred percent of what he should have been. His attention was back on her when she put her hand on his face, again speaking the obvious truth that he hadn't been able to accept or even acknowledge out of stubbornness or even ignorance. Right now he was going through withdrawal, why? Because he didn't have any drugs with him, or at least not enough. Rationing out these substances was worth than having a food shortage, it was the worst thing in the world to go through, and it terrified him.

I'm sorry... He muttered, it was his fault because she didn't stand a chance against the drugs, there was no way. This whole situation was completely fucked up and not fair to anybody involved. But, how did he fix it? He didn't have a clue. Mika's hand fell from his face and immediately he wished it wasn't. There was a small glimmer of hope in her words and at the same time the painful truth, so very painful that Caine just wanted to leave in frustration and do this later. But, that wasn't how this was going to get fixed, it may work with other conversations and things, but this time he knew he had to man up about it, especially when it was a long year coming. No.....No, you're right. Caine said, sure it hurt to hear all that and it was like re-stabbing a still healing wound but he needed to hear that. He could tell himself he was a horrible person and nothing but a worthless junkie and his sister could tell him that he needed help and needed to stop doing this to himself, but Mika, well he could actually lose her and forever and not be able to forgive himself for it. So, of course he didn't want her to leave, she just got back and it was painful enough with her just sitting there next to him, let alone in the same town and just away from him.

I fucked up... She basically just got caught in this web of his internal battles and escalating drug use that had been a process since he was thirteen or fourteen. It was his father's fault, though by this point it would look stupid to just blatantly blame him all the time, he was old enough he figured to stop even if it was true. Caine thought for a second, this was the fork in the road and there were two very different options that he could take here and either would be very big so there was no obvious option that he could take. Option A - chose drugs over her again and just keep pining from a distance for however long that would linger for, or at least until he finally overdosed and didn't wake up, not a very happy ending. Option B - quit, get clean. It would be a hard and painful process with a high risk of relapse, but he'd have some kind of happy ending, right? Caine would stop hurting the people around him for once and maybe start acting like an adult his age who should be doing something with his life. But, with the drugs it was nice being numb and ignoring how really lost you were in your life, Caine had no direction he didn't even know what direction he was facing or the different paths in front of him, like being lost on the freeway, hopeless.

Caine leaned forward where he was sitting, his elbows on his knees and his hands holding up his face. This was a hard decision, easy on the outside but not so much for him. No to mention his urge to curl up in a ball and stay there was pretty prevalent. Caine thought about the last time he had been sober, he must have been seventeen and he stayed clean until he was about twenty. But, to be honest he didn't remember much in those years, there had been this one girl he got pretty serious with but she cheated on him and that ended really badly and he ended up relapsing with pills. Still, it was better than the rampant heroin habit he'd had in high school, and he didn't touch heroin again until a year and a half ago almost. It was at a consistent peak with him and Mika happened. Caine came back to reality, he wasn't clear-minded anymore and besides hopelessness, pain and depression he didn't feel anything. Caine looked at Mika, she looked about as sad as he was and he just wanted to hold her. What if I stop? He'd done it before right? So he could do it again, hell he was already in a mild stage of withdrawal, though this was nothing compared to what he would going through. Heroin withdrawal, he'd need to stock up in Valium for this one and maybe some Ambien for the sleep. Still, it wasn't like he was announcing it on the rooftop, he said it in a quieter tone of voice, enough to seem convincing because he wasn't sure himself yet.

Still, he didn't want to go to rehab. What was the point of sitting around a circle and sharing your feelings, that hadn't worked for him before. There was no point in reading books and writing down every little thing you had done wrong in your life, every time you got high or told a lie. Or at least he could stick to pills, at least on those he was more functioning, once a needle was involved is when shit would hit the fan and things went downhill with jet propulsion. For now, he'd offer that general quitting of drugs statement and he'd start with quitting only the only the hard stuff first, then he'd be limited to vic's and benzos, anything oxycodone was already synthetic heroin and that would be cheating. Maybe, she would take them, because there had to be a compromise here that didn't involve turning himself suicidal. But, then again if they could work it out without him quitting that would be optimal, so he'd wing it I don't want you to leave.

[autumn mika longley]

WE ALL HAVE SOMETHING THAT DIGS AT US
( AT LEST WE DIG EACH OTHER )

People never change. It was a lesson that was seldom learned and almost always overlooked. The cheater will never stop cheating or having a wondering eye, the drug addict will never really get clean no matter how much is at stake. The murderer will always kill and the pathological liar will never have a truthful relationship. It was sad to think that human kind as a whole will never be more than primitive creatures, not able to over come the things that were keeping them from true happiness. It was an opinion that Mika always agreed with, so at this moment, almost all her cards on the table Mika was still holding back the ace in the hole in fear that he really will not change. If there was one thing Mika knew about Caine it was that he loved his drugs. She loved her drugs too, it was one reason they got along so well. She loves getting high with Caine - it's one of her favorite past times.

But another one of her favorite things is the sober Caine. It isn't that there is a difference between them because they'r really isn't much of one - aside for his lack of good judgment, but that happens to everyone. But it was just a better feeling for Mika when he was sober. Drugs numbed every part of you. Those mornings where Mika was at her most open she didn't want to think that he felt none of the things she said, because some of them were important. She didn't like the idea of him not being able to feel her skin, her touch, her kiss - it was as if she was with a doll. But at the same time they always had so much fun. Hell, sometimes the drugs even enhance things. But the fact of the matter was that he was an addict. He would choose drugs over food and drugs over her. He was slowly taking minutes off his life each time he shot up or took another hit. Mika can't just stand by and watch him commit suicide, even if it was unintentional. She found herself in one of the most difficult places : follow your heart or just be smart? It was a 50/50 chance that Mika could walk away like she did last time, not offering anything more than a goodbye. But there is a chance this could work, they could work through all the issues they had. Truth be told they really didn't have any, just the drugs. And Mika's lack of open communication insecurities were always a problem too. She really needs to speak up more.

As she sat on the sofa next to Caine, she wanted to just fall into him, though she knew that was inappropriate at the moment. When he spoke the few words he did Mika's hope got brighter. It was strange to hear him admit that he messed up. That it was his fault - he never openly said he screwed up before. Not on this topic anyways. It was such a shocker to her that Mika looked up, her head no longer resting on her hand. Acceptance. that was a start, right? But she couldn't put all the blame on him. They were fighting a lot before they broke up - she was insecure and he was just doing his thing with the drugs. Mika knew he would never cheat on her or stray, just like she would never do that to him. But for whatever reason she was just uncomfortable, getting scared in her only comfort zone. It could have had to do with the fact that she was well aware she had fallen in love and was looking for a some way to run away from it. Whatever the real reason Mika was unsure, but she regretted the pointless fights they had. "It's not all your fault," she spoke up. They were both adults, they were both able to take responsibility for their actions. "I didn't even give us a chance to talk it out. I just ran, like always," she added regrettably, still hating the fact she did that. But still, the apology was nice. "I'm sorry too. For just leaving the way I did," she confessed, knowing he was owed an apology too.

The next few things he said caught Mika's attention even more. What if he stopped? Well then this would be going completely differently. Mika would have already forced herself onto him - not even in a sexual manner, but just to be in his arms again. Her own high completely gone (at lest from the weed), Mika let a small yawn pass by her lips, blushing slightly and covering her mouth up afterward. Vicodin always made her tired. She wondered how Caine felt right now. If he felt as bad as he looked she felt awful for not letting him go to bed or get his next fix. She hated to see him in any kind of pain. Mika thought of how she could respond to his inquiry. She already knew how this was going to end if he just went to rehab. He was like a .. serial rehab-est. They never worked for him. It was going to take a little more effort to get him clean - or at lest not addicted. Mika had to compromise, she knew she wasn't going to get him to completely drop his habits, especially not for her .. would he? The moment Mika saw his face when he said that she knew that he wasn't even sure himself. "If you stopped we would live happily ever after," she smiled, knowing that even happily ever after has it's problems. "But the question is are you really going to be able to?" she spoke, her head falling to the side for a moment.

When he told her he wanted her to stay Mika was glad. She would have understood if he wanted nothing more than to get her out of his hair. More hope. She bit her bottom lip, her eyes glancing over his features. God. Even sick he was still sexy as all hell. Mika always thought so, even when they were just friends. Her gaze met his lips for a moment before bouncing back to his eyes. She wanted to kiss him, tell him she wasn't going anywhere. But she wasn't sure of that yet. "I'll help you," she spoke. He wasn't going to be able to do this alone and she wouldn't want him to. Besides, she wants this to work as much as he does. At least she hopes so. "Start off slow .. even keep at the pace you're going for a few more weeks. Just weed you off it slowly but surely. The days you withdrawal I'll be here. I'll skip school .. whatever it takes," she offered, hoping that the thought of her being there for him would help the situation a little. Though she knew he wouldn't want her to miss school because of him. But school was missable. Him needing her was not. "You don't have to go to rehab, it never works for you anyways. I can only imagine ho awful those places are .." Mika noted, never experiencing one herself. She felt like she was making him feel like an open target. Facing all the skeletons in his closet at once. "I'm not here to judge you Caine. Or yell at you or anything like that," she explained further, preparing herself for what she was about to say.

"I love - loved you" Mika corrected herself quickly. She still did love him, but she wasn't going to tell him that. not yet. Still, this was something that Mika had a hard time saying. "It's just .. too much. You know me, Caine. You know I'm fine with drugs in general. I'll even do them with you on those special occasions," she shrugged, her hands playing with a loose thread on the bottom of her shirt. "You just crossed the line," she finished, knowing how hard this must have been on him. A small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth, Mika gave him a slight head-butt playfully. "I'm not giving up on you - on us. Are you?" Mika knew that they wouldn't be actually back together for a little while, if at all. But she wanted him to know that she was willing to work for it if he was.

IF I TURN INTO ANOTHER, DIG ME UP FROM UNDER
WHAT IS COVERING THE BETTER PART OF ME. SING
THIS SING, REMIND ME THAT WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE
EACH OTHER WHEN EVERYTHING ELSE IS GONE.

_________________________

`status; love<3
` lyrics; Dig - Incubus

[caine davin seymour]

shes all laid up in bed with a broken heart
while i'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar
and we don't know how

how we got into this mad situation
only doing things out of frustration

trying to make it work but man these times are hard

Was he really going to be able to do this? Caine honestly didn't know, he figured he would have to try now that he said it and verbally committed to it. If he wanted her back he would have to do something, otherwise he'd be sulking for a very long time and making those around him miserable. Many times Cassie had told him to call her or go find her, do something dramatic like some John Hughe's 80's movie. That wasn't him and it was never going to be him, he had his ways and he knew Cassie was okay with them except for that little drug thing. Still, quitting was a huge thing for him, especially since he had brought it up this time without some kind of intervention or tv crew brought in here. Why people had their interventions on TV he didn't understand, it was making things worse because he knew he saw how to do certain drug things on that show that he had no idea of before. It was a well known fact that things ran better and smoother when people were sober and mostly clear-minded. When you had strong feelings there was no chance of being clear-minded to the fullest extent. Still, he could remember a lot of times, now that he thought about it, that they both wouldn't be high or drunk and were actually happy. So, it proved to him and everybody that they could function without drugs, he was just afraid to let go.

Luckily, Caine had never been the cheating type and he just didn't have an interest in it, at least not with Mika. So they didn't' have that drama like other couples might have and probably did. Especially in college it was as rampant as a venereal disease, they all did it. Not to say he hadn't done it before, drugs made you a different person and it really depended on the drug. A downer would just knock you out, an upper would make you nuts or paranoid and act differently. She tried to remove some of the blame from him but he knew better, it was his fault. If there weren't needles or such damaging drugs in the picture they would be happier and together, not this mess that they were in. Still, he wasn't the only one with issues and at least he tried not to run when the going got tough, she just up and left him which was painful in itself, it was like a train hitting him versus the slap in the face that the break-up was in itself. She went all the back back home, across many miles just to be beaten. There wasn't much logic in it the way he saw it, but that was over and done with. Right now, however, he might as well been running. Something inside of him told him he couldn't do it, not all of it. The smack he could quit, but the pills would be a whole other story, each had its own side affect and it's hard to withdraw without a drug nearby.

It woke me up when you did, though. It had, that he had caused her to leave him and even some time later he could see it from a different perspective despite still feeling the aftermath of pain. How could he tell her that he was only quitting one drug? Pills were easy enough to hide, and he took enough to not feel sick as opposed to high unless he was desperate for sleep. Caine saw her yawn, must have been the painkillers. Those would definitely leave you floating if you took enough but she probably took as prescribed. He should have been example enough on what not to do with prescription drugs. Still, he remembered how tired he had been, no rest for the wicked or at least those who didn't have any dope left in their stash. The problem with downers was that sleep avoided you like the plague if you didn't chemically induce it yourself. Happily Ever After. How often did that happen in a lifetime. Caine had a few friends from high school that had their high school sweethearts and were happily ever after, but how can one be sure. You take a chance and he wanted to with her, but there were so many obstacles it was like having a bunch of Berlin walls to climb over. She asked him, are you sure? Can you do it? Could he? Caine looked at the floor and then looked at her. I don't want to end up like my father. And that was the truth. Where was he now? In a hospital bed, dying and deserving of it, Caine didn't want that for himself.

This wasn't a happy conversation, but a hopeful one at least. Caine's world didn't have rainbows and happy endings, but enough to get by and he accepted that in his own optimistic way. She pledged her support and he looked at her, her same blue eyes that he loved and her hair that fell in her face that he would push out of the way. She was beautiful and didn't need to change a thing as far as he was concerned. She verbally dealt out a game plan and he stayed quiet, he knew how to quit it was merely getting the motivation to even try. It was not an easy process and most people didn't understand the complexity of the situation. It was a chemical dependency and that wasn't a one step process. It was like falling into the bottom of a well and being stuck there, slowly crawling out of your mind while having an insane flu at the same time. You don't have to do that, really. I don't want you to see me like that. It's pretty and was as painful to watch as to endure it. He couldn't pain her with that, seeing and who knew what he would blurt out in a desperate state. Caine wasn't worried about being judged, he just wanted to fix things and this seemed like the only feasible option.

Caine's heart skipped, though the word was in past tense it was still mentioned. Still, past tense? Why then did she leave? Caine didn't know what to say, he wasn't sure what love felt like as there really was no textbook definition for it. His own blue eyes looked at hers, she was his best friend and one person he could be with and turn to, she was the whole package and he still couldn't have her. Still, she was right, there was that line for fun and he went over to the dark side where your life became a black hole and a never ending spiral. She still didn't know the extend of it, this wasn't the first time he had an affair with heroin. I've been doing it since I was fourteen. It was hard to admit this, something so small and petty looking could have such a grasp on him. I started it again a year and a half ago. More or less right around the time that they started their thing, though he couldn't be sure to be honest. The pills had started again before that and then he just caved and couldn't stop, once you get in you can't get out. Like the fucking Hotel California or whatever. He didn't know what she thought he was doing or how long he had been on it, it had been a long time though and lucky that he wasn't dead or had stopped breathing.

No, I don't want to give up on us.

were smiling but we're close tears
even after all these years
we just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time

[autumn mika longley]

( A KISS TO SEND US OFF )
HERE I AM, THERE YOU ARE ON THE WIRE CONNECTING OUR HEARTS.

There was this uncanny voice nagging at the back of Mika's head. Overwhelming, it was getting harder and harder for her to ignore. It was doubt. Doubt that he could do what he needed to do, do what she had asked of him. She had a bad feeling in the pit of her gut that something was going to go wrong, he wasn't going to get clean. It was such an awful feeling and she hated to think that way of Caine but she just knew that things weren't going to work out as they planned. He was going to get clean, she was going to start waking up in his bed every morning like before - life seldom worked out the way you wanted it to. Even so Mika knew he was at lest going to try. Her hopes were for once held high. He never let her down before, she felt like high hopes were safe in this game. She never gave anyone more credit than they were worth, but Caine was different. She just hoped that when it came down it he wasn't going to let her down.

When she listened to what he had said Mika knew his father probably played a big role in his drug use. She really didn't know too much about him, she never met the man and she surely had no desire to after the stories she has heard. From what she understood he was very similar to Mika's dad. The thought of someone doing to Caine what had happened to her made her angry. She was tiny, but she was protective over people she really cared about. If she ever did meet him she would have jumped on him like a spider monkey. Never the less when he mentioned that he didn't want to be like his father Mika knew that it must have been a horrible feeling. Thinking even in the slightest that you could become like someone who had hurt you so much. Mika would have jumped of a cliff before she let herself hurt her own children in the way both their parents had. No one deserves that, no matter who you are. Mika knew Caine was nothing like his father, aside from his addiction problems. She wanted to tell him that he is ten times the man his father would ever be, but at this point she couldn't exactly say that. He is headed down a similar path. But personality wise? Morally? he was completely different. She felt like she was the only one who really saw what lied beneath those blue eyes, and she wished that the world would see it too.

"You're worth so much more than any man I've ever met," she assured, choosing her words carefully as she spoke. Se felt like she was tip toeing around land mines, afraid that saying the wrong thing would send him off. He was being more than cooperative and open with her, but this subject is foreign territory to Mika now. They use to fight about it almost every night, but it has been a while since she has been in this situation. She sat comfortably on the sofa beside him, the foot or so between them feeling like oceans. She let her hand find it's way to his for a moment, more for a source of comfort than anything else. It was her turn to be the strong one even if right now all she wanted to do was break down and cry. Just cry her eyes out so he could really see what it did to her when she left. She must have confused him, she admitting to him that she loved him but she still left none the less. It was painful and complicated, but she knew that in time she'd be able to tell him exactly what was running through her head when she walked out of his life.

Still, she was a little disappointed that he didn't admit to it back - or at lest say anything close to the word. She didn't let it show on her appearance though, not wanting to make this situation any more tense then it was. It left a strange feeling on her stomach, almost thinking that all those feelings were one sided. She looked to the floor for a moment, forgetting her hand had been on his. She still did not remove it though, her mind floating to the possibility that she loved him but she didn't love her back. It was an awful thought, and made her second guess what she thought love was. Love can't be on-sided, can it? Wouldn't that be considered obsession? Mika was dragged out of thought, blinking as her blue eyes darted back to his, nodding. "I can understand that. But I honestly would rather be here than not," she told him on the topic of being there with him while he went through withdraw. She knew he would understand that it wasn't her so much forcing herself onto him because if he didn't want to see him like that. But just so he knows that it could be three o'clock in the morning, if he called her she would come running.

When he started talking about the heroine Mika was really surprised when he said he started when he was fourteen. That was so young. She wasn't judging, she just didn't know that this problem steamed for such a long time - what, ten years? She was kicking herself for not stopping him when he started up again when they first started to get together. She didn't think it was anything serious, but now that she knows about his history with it she would have never let him start it again. Or at lest try to stop him. She didn't say anything the topic though. She felt like anything she would have said only would have made the confession worse on him.

Then he said the words that made her heart skip a beat - at lest it felt that way. "Well I'm glad we're on the same page," she said, adding a bit of light humor to the chatter at hand. "It's going to take a lot of effort though, you know that right?" she added, not wanting to bring the mood down but she had to be realistic. But there was always the thought of things not working out between them. It scared her. "Just .. promise me something?" she asked, her hand still comfortably on his hand and her eyes connected with his. "No matter what, just don't leave me. I know that's selfish and all to ask, considering I left you but ... even your friendship would be enough. you're my best friend love," she finished, finally letting her hand sip away from his.

_________________________

`status; oh yay my graphic! c: <3 sorry it's kinda crappy, I'm super tired. ;__;
` lyrics; a kiss to send us off - incubus

[caine davin seymour]

shes all laid up in bed with a broken heart
while i'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar
and we don't know how

how we got into this mad situation
only doing things out of frustration

trying to make it work but man these times are hard

Caine was lost in his own mind, what the hell had he jut agreed to? Was he going to be able to do it? For the stakes at hand he probably didn't have a choice now, or he did have a choice but he was afraid of making the wrong one. The one thing he didn't want to happen was regret, he didn't want to be sober and miserable and therefore push away and Mika and then who knew what would happen. This was all so sudden, it was like something was being ripped out from inside of himself and he already felt sick enough. Still, he knew how he felt about her and he wanted to prove it to her somehow and this seemed to the only option that she was open to. It was scary, terrifying. Quickly his mood changed from hopeful and nervous to just this urge to be alone and sulky, but he tried not to show it. Her words mean a lot to him, having somebody care about you say something positive about you was reinforcing, it was different if his sister or brother said it, they were siblings they were supposed to say those things. You spend eighteen years of your life hearing nothing but demeaning and derogatory comments and they being to grow on you and you begin to believe them. Many a time had he sat on his bed, staring out the window at the clear night and the moon in whatever sparkling phase it was in contemplating just how easy it would be to take a knife or something sharp to any one of his main arteries, he didn't want to be at that place again he felt like he was running the opposite direction on an escalator which mean he would lose to the physics of it.

Caine was never the huge expressive person that most people were, he had trouble even giving compliments let alone a declaration of love. Though, he could shock himself sometimes at what came out of his mouth when he wasn't thinking. Still, that was rare because he was always thinking, always analyzing and processing the information around him until it gave him a headache. It was the constant anxiety that plagued him and he never figured out how to make it go away, no amount of dope could even settle it after the high was gone and lately the high was harder to reach. Caine's eyes wandered to the floor in front of him, it was plain and there was nothing there but he focused on it, until he felt a hand on his own, her hand. It was warm and small and familiar, she insisted on her presence during the process and he knew better than to argue, the only way to keep her away at that point would be to change the locks or move, none of which he wanted to do so that was settled. There really was no way to explain the grip that his drugs had on him, it would be like taking a lung away or some pretty vital organ at this point. The biochemistry spoke and it's spell could be broken, but you might as well skip the trouble because Caine had seen it claim so many lives, so many people in medical detox that just didn't wake up, mostly from alcohol, but still from the harder drugs that the grip was too strong.

Would that be him? Ten years was a long time, a very long time and so much damage had been done. What if his body just decided to abandon ship? Quickly, he pushed the thought away, he couldn't do that to his family, not to his brothers and sister, he couldn't die by drugs because such a curse had plagued their upbringing for such a long time already. He wasn't going to be anywhere near his father's shadow though he had a foot in. A lot of effort was an understatement, I got clean when I was seventeen... He didn't want to snap or lecture her but he knew what he was getting into and he was stupid for starting up again, that was his bad and completely his fault if anybody asked. Still, at least he had started the process, and he literally just wanted to reach into his xanax reserves and sleep through this as best he could. There were body aches, you felt clammy and cold all the time, you didn't sleep, the cravings were hell and you literally would give your arm for something, it hurt everywhere and your heart felt like it was going to beat out of your chest, the chills were bad too and you could barely walk. It was bad, so bad. For him, it would probably be two weeks at the minimum, though it had been a few days already and the xanax had been holding him down. That's how I know I can get clean again. It just wasn't going to Disneyland, more like the worst circle of hell in his opinion, but he told her he would and he would try his best. Caine wasn't sure what she knew about heroin and affects, so we'd see how that went.

She asked him something and he turned to look at her where he sat. That was a lot to ask of him, if things didn't work out between them he didn't know how he could manage just friends. His heart seemed to skip a beat at her doubt that he sensed in that statement. Did she really see them not working? Yes, Caine could see that alternative but he didn't want to believe in it. There was no turning back, there was no turning back after the first time he slept with her or the next. After the feelings that had built up inside of him finally had an access out and he recognized them after all that time of being friends. He honestly could not see them backtracking, it would be complicated and it would hurt, she might as well have just left him again if that was the case. Still, he didn't think expressing all that would make this whole thing any easier or put confidence in the right places. Caine took her hand in his and put it between his two hands softly, their blue eyes looked at one another's. I won't leave you, I care about you way too much. You know that. She should know that, he had fought for her not to leave and during their arguments and then she up and left, blindsiding him in the process. Caine took a deep breath, all of a sudden he was nervous and just needed to get this off his chest before exploded. They could never be just friends. Her hand slipped from his, and he could speak.

But, if this doesn't work, I don't know how to go back to just friends, Mika. If Caine hadn't said anything it would sit on him until he probably yelled it at her. If there was anything his brothers and Cassie could tell you was that he was like a bomb with a fuse, or a shaken up soda can. Either way it wasn't pretty when he bottled up way too much and didn't get it out. You see Mika, i'm cleaning up so we can work this out and move on. I didn't realize how much I...cared about you until you left me and I just fell apart. That L-word was just stuck on his tongue but he felt like it was not the right time. You were my best friend and then I fell for you, and here we are. If we don't work I can't ignore everything that's happened. So basically if they didn't work not only did he lose the love of his life but his best friend. The thought was enough to break his heart all over again and it made him anxious because he knew it was a real possibility. Why did it have to be all on him now? She couldn't just deal with his using like everybody else did, virtually ignoring it and still loving him? Sure his sister and all but physically dragged him to the rehab nearby and she'd seen him detox before though she had been so young. Something told him Mika just wasn't getting it, she just didn't fucking get it and it annoyed him a little, but he had to push that away.

Why was this so fucking messed up? Internally he was a little angry to be honest, but not at her, more at himself because of this entire web he was stuck him and he couldn't move without breaking other things in the process. Caine wasn't sure how she would respond, he was so used to just keeping his mouth shut especially in relationships just wanting something that worked so effortlessly and yet so superficial. This wasn't superficial, it was just another one of his friends with benefits relationships. This was real and he felt like he was so close to losing it. In the back of his mind he made the decision to actually move on if it didn't work this time, not say he would and stay stuck for a year. His eyes looked sad and dull, he was tired and really wasn't even close to the proper mindset for such a conversation to occur. So what happens now? Phase One begins? There was so much he wanted to tell her but he didn't know how, the articulation of words was stuck in his head like throwing something in the gears of a machine. You don't realize what you have until you lose it, and that's what had happened to him. Something made him wish that Cassie would show up and interrupt and be awkward and Caine could find an excuse to be alone and maybe they could talk. Cassie had seen him the most this past year in his most miserable state and how depressed he had been. There wasn't a way for Caine to explain it to Mika, maybe somebody else could.

You know, Cass is going to think you're a goddess for getting me clean. That little girl, so full of fire, had been trying for a long time without much success, and here Mika was and Caine bringing up the idea himself. What a change. She should be home later today, she would want to hear from you. She would be pissed if there wasn't at least a hello, that was his fair warning of that.

were smiling but we're close tears
even after all these years
we just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time

[autumn mika longley]

( YOU DON'T KNOW HOW LOVELY YOU ARE )
I HAD TO FIND YOU, TELL YOU I NEED YOU. TELL YOU I SET YOU APART.

This entire situation was getting worse and worse as the conversation went on. The moment Mika asked him to never leave her she realized how stupid and desperate it sounded. She regretted those words the moment they left her lips. Still, it was comforting that he assured her he would never leave. His hands felt so natural wrapped around hers. It made her smile, but at the same time it made her hurt a little, feeling the lack of drugs in his systems through his hands. Mika was feeling ansy, knowing she just stepped on the word mines she was trying to hard to avoid. When her hands fell from his they found their way into small fists on her legs, Mika's eyes tearing away from his as they shifted to the rest of the apartment. She took in a deep breath, her legs starting to move up and down as if she was getting ready to get up and leave. She surely wasn't, but sitting on this sofa was starting to get to the best of her. As much as she loved being close to Caine she needed to get up and move. Abruptly Mika got to her feet and started pacing around his living room, her back to him one second, she facing him the next. She remained silent for a few moments trying to collect her thoughts.

She was asking a lot of Caine. She knew the moment they started talking that this conversation was going to be very demanding of him. She felt guilty knowing that she really didn't have to do much on her end. Only be here when he needed her and that seemed like such a small price to pay considering what he was going to be going through. She's never seen anyone go through withdraw, she's only heard stories and watched awful movies about it in high school. She felt bad, making him go through all this torment just for her. It was selfish and cruel of her, but at the same time she complete agreed with her actions. This needed to happen, and she wasn't the only one who thought so. Knowing that he got clean before was reassuring - if you can do it once then you can do it again. This time you know what to expect, you know what will happen to your body - at let for the most part. But Mika needed - he needed this. He was on a path right to becoming his father. What would happen if he died from an overdose? That would completely crush his family and her. She knew he was aware of this, but she didn't think he fully understood. He could die. Death. this isn't a game, he would be gone forever and she'd be left with nothing but his memory. Everyone would.

Mika listened to what he had to say as she stood, stretching her legs and pacing around his apartment, but not too far from him so she couldn't hear. Caine never really spoke up about anything, he and Mika were similar in that sense. She spoke up a bit more than he did but they were both similar creatures. He was completely right. "I know, you're right,"she said finally, scratching the back of her head. "After everything that happened with us - that first night - " voice rifted off into the stale air of the apartment. "There was no going back," she completed, her eyes making their way to the window, displaying the setting sun outside. Clouds rolled in from the opposite direction of the setting sun, promising showers later that evening, but Mika wasn't worried about walking back to her dorm in the rain, she's done it many times. "But we were both willing to take that leap. And I'm happy we did. It's just .." she started again, her expression getting a bit more frustrated than it was before. She couldn't find the words to say exactly what she wanted to, and she hated that. She hated that about him, Mika giving Caine all the blame. He was the only person she found herself speechless in front of. She was always well rehearsed, always ready with a full arsenal of lashing words and a silver tongue. But this time she just had nothing.

Shaking her head Mika gave an annoyed grunt, tossing her arm carelessly in the air as she walked around a little more still trying to find the word combination of letters. "My Life fell apart too, it never came back together. I don't want that again," she explained, continuing after a short breath. "I know I was the one that left. And I know I'm asking so much of you and I know that there is a possibility this might fail. Not because of you or me but sometimes things just happen," she said in desperation, her voice fading from an aggravated tone to more of a desperate one. She was pleading with him, she never felt so weak. "Part of me says I shouldn't of even came here. But at the same time I just wanted to see you. We both don't want to give up on this, but at the same time if things go badly then this was just worthless. But I'm not happy like this, are you?" she asked, biting her bottom lip. "Just one more chance at happiness, at bliss I think is worth the risk," this was just a hot mess. This entire situation sucked. How did it even get like this? How did it get this fucked to the point that she almost regretted walking back into his life? It just caused so much drama for the two of them. But the moment she looks at him she remembers everything they had, and she remembers why she came back. True love only comes once in a lifetime, right? What if this was it? Mika was not going to let it pass her by and she wasn't going to let drugs cut his life short. At lest she was going to try.

Mika never actually accepted or talked about what had happened to her. She almost died and yet she is still living the same way. She is just taking more chances on the things she loves, which for her is everything. She got one more chance at happiness. She never got over it, the touch of death that was almost bestowed upon her. Mika stared at him for a moment before speaking again. Only this time her words were not well planned out, she merely dropped another bomb shell that she was sure wasn't going to sit well with Caine. "He almost killed me, Caine. I almost died," she finally divulged to him, her arms hanging by her sides lifeless. It was the first time she actually said it out loud - it always sounded different in her head, no big deal, but out loud? It was a completely different story.

Ever since that experience Mika has had a new appreciation for her life. As depressing and awful it was right now she needed to make the most of it. That's all she's been trying to do. It was one reason why she came back here to begin with. Watching him put that shit in his body just reminded her that his death is just coming sooner, possibly the next time he decides to stick a needle in his arm. That was the biggest fear of this entire drug situation. His death, his sickly being and dependency on this poison, this toxin. Caine has a choice, something that Mika never did. As she stood in front of him, Mika practically knocked down all her walls, everything was out on the table in plain view. She cried. For the first time in a long time she cried. It was needed, but she didn't want to do that here. Not now. A few tears and small sobs coming from her mouth she choked it back as best she could, her eyes still tearing slightly. "You're slowly killing yourself. This isn't .. this isn't just some thing you do every once in a while. Look at you .." she said, gesturing with her hand as she did so. The words she spoke weren't hurtful, they were just sad, mellow and hallow.

This situation seemed way too familiar, Mika feeling like she stepped into a time machine. Haven't they had this conversation before? Or at lest something similar? "The thought of you overdosing terrifies me and everyone else. That's the only reason why Cass, your brothers and I have all tried to get you to stop," she finished, still standing a few feet from the sofa. She didn't want to move yet, but she willed her feet to slowly make their way over to the sofa where she sat on the arm rest. She didn't look at Caine, she was embarrassed, confused and just flat out a hot mess. She didn't want him to find out what had happened to her this way, she wished she waited until this discussion was over with but it was too late for that now. the damage was done. She couldn't help but laugh at what Caine said about Cass. She flat out laughed, whether it be because she was so nervous about the words she just spoke or the adrenaline rushing through her veins but it was amusing and a nice change of tempo. She smiled, her hand wiping underneath her eyes for a moment before she finally looked back to him.

"I guess you're going to have to suffer through my company for a little bit longer than hum?"

NOBODY SAID IT WAS EASY, IT'S SUCH A SHAME FOR US
TO PART. NOBODY SAID IT WAS EASY, NO ONE EVER SAID
IT WOULD BE THIS HARD. I'M GOING BACK TO THE START.

_________________________

`status; :o bombsheeeeeell
` lyrics; coldplay - the scientist