& i'm letting it kill me -- rouge

[Kovu "Archer" Xavier]

living in the shadows of the scars,

This day was just like any other day, really. Waking up at a decent time, but just in time to get to see Rouge again. I don’t know what it was about this girl, but I liked her. I wouldn’t admit to myself that maybe it was a little more than just like, but I definitely considered her my friend. One of my better friends, actually. One that actually got me what I needed as long as I paid for her dinner instead of doing shit work. This bag of coke I had was probably going to be my breakfast. I had this shitty headache so when I got out of the shower and smoked, I decided to get a little bit more than I bargained for when I got my little coke fix. I did the amount I usually did, plus like.. half the amount. So like, 1.5 times the amount that I usually smoked; was for this. It was probably a shitty idea, but hey.. I felt so fucking amazing after.

I met up with a few friends after I adjusted myself. We were just fucking around being friends, you know.. the usual. Before I started feeling hella sick. Next thing I knew, I grew pretty dizzy and the ground was all up next to me. My friends laughed for a few seconds before they realized it was something serious and managed to grab their phones. “Shit man, he’s really fucking out. What the fuck??” I believe that was the last thing I heard before I blacked out. The darkness slowly overwhelming me despite how much I pushed against it.

The next time I woke up, I was surrounded by white walls and bright lights, and hooked up to many machines. A couple scars scattered around my tattooed body were seen as well. The door opened and a nurse walked in kind of disgusted. The only thing I could think of was Rouge. Well shit, I ruined the whole date tonight didn’t i? “Is there anyone we can call for you?” She asked me and I nodded slightly, trying to keep my voice steady. “on my phone.. I have a number.. for this girl named Rouge… tell her I’m sorry about our date..” I pretty much forced myself to say as quick as I could as I felt my vision closing in again in the blackness. “Sure thing. Doctor, we need some more morphine here.” Was the last thing I heard the girl say before zoning out and blacking out again, left to ponder my little thoughts.

the past defines just who we are.

tagged; Rogue Kade
notes; OHBOY. OD’d Kovu </3
translation; --
inspiration; cobwebs – motionless in white.

[Rouge Kade]

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE INVINCIBLE

[/size]

When it came to ‘working’ late nights, I usually slept most of the morning and noon time away. It was just the price I paid for my type of work. It was fast money and sometimes easy cash. Sometimes less, just depending on how much my body craved the sleep. Getting in, I showered and pulled on cloths and crawled into bed. It was my night time and there was nothing more I wanted at the moment. Under the covers and comfortable, I closed my eyes and I was out like a light. Fast way in dream world so far away from reality. My favorite place it seem. My slumber was hard or deep, more light than anything. So the moment my phone started ringing I was wide awake. Groaning as I found it, my mind tried to recognized the number but couldn’t. Answering it, the greeting seem to catch me off gard and I was about to hang up until the woman’s voice spoke the words of, ‘we have a patience here by the name of Kovu and he said to call you and tell you sorry about the date.’ My heart dropped just hearing his name being associated with a hospital. “Wait, what? Why?” My words came faster than I could think about it and I was out of bed in a second. A course I was told they couldn’t give me that information. Hanging up I dropped my phone on my bed. Grabbing the closest hoodie, I pulled on a pare of shoes and grabbed my phone and grabbed my bag before heading out.

Don’t ask me why I had such a fondness towards him. Something about him stuck out and in a way played at my heart strings. Most of the things we did, like our dates, was mainly for drugs. Yes, I knew that. Half of that was meaningless, meant nothing at all. I enjoyed the company of this strange guy. I cared. I just did. It was shocking for me. I didn’t want to, but I did. I was catching my self falling for a guy that I shouldn’t be falling for. Nothing I did seem to stop myself from falling. No matter how much I cursed at myself, no matter how much I bitched. No matter what my heart and mind was just playing this little tune in my head that was along the lines of ‘hahaha you have a crush. Oh how cute!’ It drove me mad. Insanely mad.

The way to the hospital never seemed so long before. It was like one of those hallways that never ended. This was exactly like the route was. Once there, I found the nurses’ desk and asked for his room. With a strange look, the lady gave me the floor and room number and I was on my way. Repeated it the whole way in my head as I found an elevator, I pressed the button for the floor and waited until getting to it. Reading the numbers I finally found his. Maybe it was crazy to knock before walking in, but I did. It was the polite thing to do. Walking into the room, I was greeted my the doctor about to leave. Before I could say anything, there was questions asked towards me. I answered them the best I could. ‘Do you know of any family members we could contact for him?’ the doctor questioned right as he got to the door. “No. I’m not even sure who he even has close by.” I answered and the doctor nodded and went to walk out before I stopped him. “I know you probably can’t tell me, but what is it exactly?” I questioned softly before chewing on my lip. I was waiting to hear a I can’t tell you because you aren’t family answer but that wasn’t the responds. More less I was told since I was the only one he had I could know. I was told and my heart sank when the words of overdose and cocaine were used in the same sentence.

Once the doctor was out and it was just mainly me there, I sat in the chair near the bed and just looked at what seen like a lifeless Kovu. Putting my bag on the floor, all I could do was shake my head. In disbelief mainly. One part of me wanted to scream at me as soon as he would open his eyes and call him a fool. Then there was that little part of me that wanted to hug him and tell him I was sorry. Yes, there was some blame on my part on this whole suitation. Honestly, there was a lot of blame. Pulling my legs up in the chair, I ran my fingers through my wavy, curly hair as I watched him. Just waiting for him to show some little sign of life.

I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR EYES THAT
YOU’RE SO SURE

tagged; Kovu Xavier
notes; Our poor babies.
randomness; outifit here
inspiration;vulnerable-secondhand serenade.

[Kovu "Archer" Xavier]

and your slowly shaking fingertips show,

The darkness that surrounded me kept my mind in around just one topic. And even though I tried my hardest to switch it from that, it would sink me back into my little watery grave under the sea of the one topic I guess I really had to think about. I wanted to do so many things, get up and leave; move, but no. All I saw was a dark dream-like state and machines keeping me down. I couldn’t hear when people walked in or anything. The only time I noticed things were when I woke up from this hell of darkness. It wasn’t really something that was convenient. Because to be honest, it was a fucking pain in the ass. Getting prodded, yeah, I could feel that shit. I didn’t know what was happening but I could feel the needles stabbing me under my skin. And yes, even though I had tattoos almost everywhere, this was different. So different.

It wasn’t really long until I could twitch my arm slightly and that started to wake me up once more. It took a few moments before my vision cleared and I saw the door shut. Exhaling a sigh of relief, I noticed that the doctor was gone. But in a few moments only it took for me to notice a dark shape in a chair by me. My heart raced and was made notable by the monitor. “Shut the fuck up,” growling to the machines helped it none. I realized it was Rouge and I calmed down slightly. For a moment there I thought it was Jagr. That would have been some shit right there. I just looked away for a moment. I didn’t know what to say. It really was an accident. And I had enough to last me that the date tonight would’ve been just fun, not drug oriented. But.. she didn’t know that. And she wouldn’t because I was stuck in this hospital bed with IV’s in my arms and an oxygen tank hooked up to my nose. I was quite a scene, I’m sure.

Finally, I gained enough courage to look over at her. “Rouge…” That name was probably the only one that could slide off of my tongue that easily. I just bit down on my lower lip as I felt a slight stinging pain in my lower stomach. “I’m sorry, really I am.” I murmured softly, just making sure that she knew that I was sorry. I didn’t know how much it affected her, but she seemed pretty bummed out and upset and such. So what was the least I could do? Tell her I was sorry and continue on with who I was. That wouldn’t change, not for anyone. As far as I concerned, I was myself. Kovu Xavier, and I would stay that way.

that you're scared like me, so.

tagged; Rogue Kade
notes; OHBOY. OD’d Kovu </3
translation; --
inspiration; vulnerable - secondhand serenade.

[Rouge Kade]

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE INVINCIBLE

[/size]

Sitting in the chair, I shivered from the coldness that over took me. It wasn’t like I had much cloths on in the first place. If I was home it would have been enough since I would have been curled up in a ball, under my covers. Sitting there, I couldn’t help but to shiver as I put my arms around my legs and rested my chin upon my knees. My eyes could barely focus any more and they closed more than they stayed opened. No matter how hard I tried to just watch him, to see him move, nothing would allow it. My eyes shut softly and you could say it was nap time for me. The craziness of the dream was more like the past of my life playing out.

Hearing my name, I jumped some and my eyes opened quickly. My heart seem to race, mainly because for a spilt second I thought that crazy dream was reality. I relaxed when I realized it wasn’t reality and relaxed even more when I heard it was Kovu. Hearing him apologize I just shook my head no. “You have nothing to be sorry about,” I mumbled some rubbing over my eyes. “I’m the one that is sorry.” Yawning some, I got comfortable in the chair keeping my feet up. Crossing my arms over my chest, I sunk down into the chair as much as I could staying in my current comfortable position.

Looking over at him, I gave him a smile somewhat. It was great to see at least hear him talk. To see him move some what. It was a sign that he was alive and wouldn’t have to be six feet under in the next few days. My heart had this little joy in it from just hearing him. Crazy. What was wrong with me? Shaking my head at my own thoughts I looked at my legs for a few seconds. It was an awkward moment for me. I didn’t know what to say. I, Rouge, was lost for any kind of words. Taking a deep breath, I kept my eyes focused the best I could on the black of my pants. The room was quick for a few seconds besides of the beeping of the machines. The beeping sound that gave me an odd chill every time it hit my ears. Maybe it was just the place or maybe it was the feeling I had. It reminded me of death.

“You gave me a damn heart attack.” I blurted out then somewhat regretted they way they came out. They came out in a blunt hurtful tone. In away, I was hurt. Extremely hurt. Why? It was something I was still trying to figure out. I was pissed off at him too. Not for the fact that because of him I maybe got three hours of sleep. Mainly because he was here, in this crazy place. My eyes found their way back to him. Taking a deep breath I just shrugged some. How I wish I could just been like 'you scared the hell out of me!’. If that was said, I would have to explain why. Well, I didn’t want to explain that I cared.

I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR EYES THAT
YOU’RE SO SURE

tagged; Kovu Xavier
notes; Our poor babies.
randomness; outifit here
inspiration;vulnerable-secondhand serenade.

[Kovu "Archer" Xavier]

living in the shadows of the scars,

The way that I startled her, kind of brought a small smile to my face. I wasn’t going to lie. I bit down on my lower lip for a few moments before playing with my lip rings and allowing her voice to hit my ears. “You have nothing to be sorry about, I’m the one that is sorry.” My eyes slightly widened and I shook my head the best that I could manage being hooked up to machines. “No. don’t blame yourself, it wasn’t you.” I said calmly. I held back some fright that I felt overwhelm my being at the thought that if I had died, she would have blamed herself. It wasn’t her fault. Yeah, shes the one that got it for me. But I had been doing coke since I was 11 and I should have known way better than to take that much.

Chewing on my lip slightly, I yawned best that I could against the oxygen machine that I was seriously hating. I lowered my gaze before I began to cough some. Once I was finished with my coughing fit, I exhaled a sigh until her words hit my ears again. “You gave me a damn heart attack.” I bit down on my lower lip unsure of how to take that. It was said kind of harsh but it had a more… loving undertone to it that I picked up on. I raised my eyebrow a tiny bit and looked over at her best that I could and just shrugged. “I’m sorry. You really shouldn’t get so attached.” I teased her. Even though I wasn’t sure if that was the case, it was kind of entertaining to show her tha ti was still myself and still willing to tease her no matter how shitty I felt. I just couldn’t seem to get that thought out of my head.

What if she really did care about me? That’d be like… the first girl that cared about me in a loving sense; not a brother sister sense like I had Jack for. Jack and Rouge were entirely different. First off, Rouge wasn’t lesbian. And second off, Rouge was very attractive. I’d admit that to myself, but never would I admit that aloud. At least, I doubt that I would’ve been able to sustain enough courage to actually say that. I was still getting to know her. And tonight I wanted to know her on a different sense than getting drugs. But like I said earlier; that wouldn’t happen now. But at least we were together here; all because of the drugs.

the past defines just who we are.

tagged; Rogue Kade
notes; OHBOY. OD’d Kovu </3
translation; --
inspiration; cobwebs – motionless in white.

[Rouge Kade]

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE INVINCIBLE

[/size]

Listening to his words I laughed some. Yes, I knew I shouldn’t get attached. I never did. Not even after all the years of being loving towards men and such. With the world being given to me I never got attached, no matter what. Here I was, sitting in a hospital room for a guy that I grew attached to and he didn’t do shit for me. Nothing at all. “I usually don’t, feel very special.” I joked some but there was a lot of truth to it. Something I didn’t want him to know very much. Never let your true feeling shows. It was the main rule of the game. Why did I feel like I was breaking all of the rules that I had set. Maybe because I was. In all honestly, this wasn’t normal for me. Why was I being so caring and stuff to him? It scared me some what.

Letting my feet slide down to the floor, I looked over at him. My arms still crossed trying to warm myself up. For a moment, I tried to figure out why I cared. I mean, why did I even give a damn if he would have died? What was so special about him? He had tattoos, yes. He had piercing, yes. That wasn’t it. There was something else. For the moment I could not put my finger on it. My mind was going insane, all I knew was that I cared. For some reason I did. If there was a god, he was messing with my head if there was a reason behind it. “You know, I should really beat you for multiple reasons.” I comment with a laugh, sitting up some in the chair. That was something I wanted to do to him. The main reason was because he scared me. Scared the hell out of me. But I knew better than to tell him that reason. “I slept maybe three hours because your ass.” I hissed at him before smiling small.

There was a part of me that wanted to get up and hug him. It was an urge I had that wouldn’t go away. That I couldn’t. I cared about him, as a friend and as more. Yes the hug could be from one friend to another but it wasn’t going to happen. No matter what. I doubt Kouv had the same feeling towards me. That was okay with me, somewhat. I knew if for some reason I would see him with another girl it would hurt. Never would I let it show but it would. Plus, like always I was just the French girl that had a way with things but no one could love or would love or wants to love. That was something burned into my mind, that I wasn’t someone worth loving. Isn’t it wonderful how my father could make me feel so horrible about myself.

I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR EYES THAT
YOU’RE SO SURE

tagged; Kovu Xavier
notes; Our poor babies.
randomness; outifit here
inspiration;vulnerable-secondhand serenade.